


And I'll Try, I'll Stay

by xenoglossia (oncharredwings)



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Autism, Autistic Sora, Axel/Roxas - Freeform, Blow Jobs, Celebrities, Closeted Character, Confessions, Cunnilingus, Dermatillomania, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, First Dates, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Flashbacks, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Priests, Self-Harm, Skin picking, Slurs, Social Media, Stimming, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trans Axel (Kingdom Hearts), Trauma, Trichotillomania, Understanding, Video & Computer Games, afab language, rape mention, stinky boy vanitas, trans Isa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-11-17 15:46:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 66,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18101570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncharredwings/pseuds/xenoglossia
Summary: In which Vanitas is a shitty gamer dude but learns to be a better person with a little help





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> We were talking about a gamer au and Van being shitty but learning from it in the akrk server so anyway here we are
> 
> Please note, there are a number of slurs used in this chapter!! And please heed the tags, this chapter is triggering.

**voidXgear:** _lol faggots_

The rest of the stream chat immediately all laughs and agrees with his choice words which makes Vanitas grin as he beats up a few more players. He’s been streaming a new MMO for three hours while he levels up through the game. He’s managed to scramble his way to level 12 in three hours so he has no doubt he’ll soon be running this game server and be completely overpowered.

 **demyxxx** : _how are you already on lvl 12 my dude_

 **voidXgear:** _I’m better than u_

 **demyxxx:** _how I’ve been playing just as long as u_

 **voidXgear:** _lol bc ur a fag_

 **demyxxx:** _fuck u_

Several people drop out of the stream at once but Vanitas just rolls his eyes. They’re all pussies anyway. He meets up with Demyx in game and they’re quick to overtake several areas to claim as their own. Other players try to hook up with them but Vanitas is cruel in killing them in game. He has no time to be interrupted by overzealous fans.

 **demyxxx:** _lol did u just take them out? They just wanted in the stream dude_

 **voidXgear:** _yeah they’re in the way_

More people drop off the stream.

Vanitas frowns as his view count lowers down until the only people watching are him, Demyx, and only three other people. Anger fuels him to move up higher until he hits level 15 but Demyx eventually logs off because it’s close to three in the morning. He calls Dem a pussy before he logs off and then Van is alone in the chatroom. He shuts down the stream and realizes he should call it quits for the night too but he’s still wide awake.

His fingers trail up to his face where he picks the skin on his lips, cheeks, and chin. He plucks acne there until his fingers come away bloody. When he sees the blood, he forces himself to stop by going upstairs to the first floor of the house to find a snack. The house is quiet and dark with the kitchen clock displaying the time in green numbers.

3:33

The fridge is packed with food which results in almost too many choices. Vanitas stands in front of the open refrigerator and resumes picking his lips and face while his anxiety peaks quietly in his chest. There are lunch meat and bread which would make an okay snack but he’s tired and making a sandwich feels like too much effort so he just grabs the pack of sliced ham to take back downstairs to the basement.

He’s been living with his little brother Sora ever since he dropped out of college. Sora inherited the house from their grandmother because she’d never liked Vanitas. Van moved in at twenty-two and is now twenty-six and still living in Sora’s basement. He tries to stay out of the way but his presence is contention in Sora’s relationship because Riku doesn’t like him.

Van sits on the bed in the darkness of his room, the only light source being the computer monitor, stuffing ham in his face and trying to keep from picking at the scabs already on his skin. He knows face picking is only making the outcropping of acne worse but he has a hard time stopping. His hair and skin are horribly greasy, especially his face, and even though he showers several times a day he never looks clean.

A lot of his competitors in the streaming gaming industry call him a basement gremlin. There have been quite a few articles about him popping up online. Nothing good is ever said. He’s lost more followers in the past three months than he’s ever gained quickly. People assume he doesn’t shower and is disgusting – living with his parents so he doesn’t have to pay rent or have a job. Van lives with the rumors and tries to armor himself with their harsh words but they still hurt.

He always laughs them off, pretends they don’t bother him, and he’s quick to drag someone else online on Twitter and twitch as payback. His latest enemy, some fashion blogger named Saïx,  quickly denounced his entire channel when someone asked Saïx if he likes to watch gamers because he’s been known to watch other streamers. He called Vanitas’ channel toxic, disgusting, and rude.

Van had quickly done an internet search and found Saïx’s channel. Some guy with vagina envy in his opinion. Lots of goth clothes, too much makeup, and at first Van wasn’t even sure if he were a guy or a girl and had to do some further digging. He hadn’t had a chance to clap back at Saïx for being a shit online but he’s already made plans to make a video tomorrow to put the jerk on blast. The fact is he’s some twerp named Isa and Vanitas can’t wait to drag him down a few pegs.

Half of the ham container gone, Vanitas drops the rest by his bed and slowly settles down to pull the blanket nest over his head for sleep. He’s just tired enough to feel his eyes grow heavy and he lets them drift shut and tries to focus on dreams so he can sleep well. The hours tick by and sleep doesn’t come until almost 7 in the morning. He sleeps for two hours and is up again so he drags himself upstairs to see if Sora wants breakfast.

The only thing he’s ever really done around the house is cook for Sora since Sora is awful in the kitchen. He almost burned the entire house down by making macaroni and cheese so Van volunteered to cook when necessary. However, since Riku moved in, he hasn’t been cooking nearly as much because Riku insists on cooking.

Sora is up and already talking a million miles an hour to Riku who is at the stove making eggs. When Sora spots him, he is quick to rush up and give him a tight hug as if they haven’t seen each other in years but Sora’s always been big on hugs. Van returns the hug and squeezes him tight.

“Morning!” Sora says with a big smile.

“Morning,” Van replies with a yawn. “What’s for breakfast?”

“I made Sora and I eggs with sausage and bacon, I didn’t realize you would be awake,” Riku replies and his voice is just a degree above cold.

“Oh,” Van replies and he pats Sora’s head because he still hasn’t let go from the hug.

“You need to shower,” Sora finally says which makes Riku snort and almost laugh but he tries to hold it back while Sora goes to sit at the table.

Van blushes and ducks his head. He showered yesterday morning but he hadn’t since and apparently, he needs to now. Sora has always been a bit blunt because he has a difficult time processing what is appropriate in interactions. Vanitas doesn’t mind because he would prefer Sora be honest than a liar.

“I stink?” Vanitas asks for clarification while he lifts his arm to smell. He winces at the smell and agrees he definitely needs to shower.

“Yes,” Sora replies while he picks up some beads in a bowl sitting on the table to rub his fingers on and play with.

“Sora, don’t get those on the floor, please,” Riku says and Sora nods in understanding.

“I’ll go shower,” Van replies and slowly disappears back downstairs to the basement. There is a full bathroom so he doesn’t have to go upstairs to use the shower or toilet. In fact, the only thing he ever has to go upstairs for is to eat. The basement is finished, complete with a bedroom and a full living area with a large television they use to watch movies and have parties.

Van glances at his face in the mirror in the bathroom and immediately wishes he could rip off his first layer of skin so he wouldn’t be so disgusting. The grease on his face is so bad, no matter how many times he showers and his hair looks like a bird’s nest filled with oil. Even his body has bad acne, especially on his shoulders and back.

The acne had started when he was ten and he’d been bullied ever since. School pictures he tried to avoid but his parents made him take one every year. Everyone called him crater face, pizza face, Bozo, and every other name in the book. Tormented in high school led him down a path of self-harm and face picking. He still has scars from cutting and burning himself with lighters and razor blades.

Even Sora doesn’t know he has a self-harm problem.

He hasn’t relapsed in years but the pain still sits heavily on his shoulders. He doesn’t have health insurance so he can’t afford the medication he probably needs and he definitely doesn’t have a job because his life consists of gaming and trying to make it big on YouTube. He has a larger following but there are other gamers out there cultivating followers faster than he’s been able to do.

He’s just happy Sora hasn’t kicked him out yet despite Riku’s prompting.

Van spends thirty minutes in the shower, scrubbing his skin and hair, using medicated shampoo and hoping it does what it’s supposed to but he’s sure he’ll be back in the shower later today. He takes upwards to four showers a day and Riku always complains about their water bill. He knows he doesn’t pay Sora any money but once he’s _making_  money he’ll definitely pay Sora back for all he’s done.

After the shower, Van inspects his body and face, annoyed by the angry red army of cystic acne he has all over his face. Demyx once suggested he wear makeup to cover it all up but he’d given him such a nasty look and proclaimed makeup is only for fags. Demyx never suggested it again.

Speaking of fags.

Van walks out to sit on his chair in front of the computer and record on the webcam, uncaring he’s naked since the only thing people can see are his shoulders and face. Wet hair or not he can at least prove he takes a shower in this video.

“Hey it’s Void Gear from YouTube, I just wanted to make a video about some crap going down on the internet about me. So, I’ve heard there’s some beef from this ugly dude with vagina envy called Saïx on the internet… Not his real name, by the way, for all of you out there thinking you’re following some YouTube and Instagram god. So, anyway, he – she? – is ugly as fuck and I have images to prove it. I’m gonna post them on the video. I had to do some serious internet digging to find these, sooo you’re welcome.”

Van pushes his hair out of his face so he can be sure to find the images when he edits the video later. The lighting in the basement makes his face appear less disgusting but he still has a lot of dark shadows and red spots but this is focused on dragging Saïx through the mud since he felt the need to call his channel disgusting.

“So, this guy which by now you’ve seen his real face, not the one he shows on Instagram, is first of all,” Van holds up one finger. “Ugly and has no right to trash my channel. You guys know I’m open about how I am and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to be here.” He holds up a second finger. “Secondly, who is he to denounce my channel when he doesn’t even game? Who is this guy? Why does he think he’s God’s gift to mankind? God, I watched some of his videos and he is so painfully a fag, I just wanted to beat my head into the wall a few times just to feel straight again.”

The sound of his phone going off distracts him long enough to check to see who is bothering him so early in the morning.

_Demyx: dude are u up yet I wanna play fortnite_

_Vanitas: in a sec I’m dragging that fag in a video_

_Demyx: Who?_

_Vanitas: Saïx or whatever_

“Sorry, Dem wants me to play Fortnite, so, I’m gonna wrap this up by saying this guy’s real name is Isa and I’m sure if you look hard enough you can find his deets online. If someone finds his address, send it to me, I’d love to send him a gift for being so ugly.” Van flips the camera off as he signs off and sets the video aside to edit later.

_Demyx: oh dude let that go lol he’s no one_

_Vanitas: He has over 10 mil followers on Instagram dude isn’t “no one” out here dragging me and I don’t even know him_

_Demyx: true I guess_

_Demyx: what did u say?_

_Vanitas: told everyone his real name and if they find his deets to email me his address_

_Demyx: dude_

_Vanitas: ??_

_Demyx: that’s kinda fucked up_

_Demyx: he didn’t say like a lot of bad stuff about u_

_Vanitas: he called my channel trash, dude wants to fight, fine, I’ll fight him_

Van sits down to edit the video until it’s what he wants and is quick to post it, even daring to go ahead and tag Saïx’s YouTube channel on the video. Once it’s uploaded, Van sits back to wait for hits to come in and comments to flood the comment section. Doing online drags is one of his favorite things to do and he’s had several dragging videos go viral.

Demyx continues to text him but he ignores Demyx’s texts in favor of finding Saïx’s Instagram to go over his photos. A lot of them are glamour shots but there are a few of his dog and him and his friends having a life. Van slowly pulls a photo up of Saïx and his dog smiling at the camera. He has less makeup on and he isn’t so intimidating in this photo. It feels real – like a real person and not a walking god.

Saïx is tall and pretty and Vanitas hates how the guy makes his heart beat faster and his palms sweat. He’s not gay so he has no idea why this guy makes him feel this way. He scrolls through Saïx’s photos quietly, going further and deeper, noting the guy likes to travel and takes a lot of fetish photos. All of his selfies are immaculate and his skin is flawless. He goes so far back, he finds a photo of Saïx with someone else Van knows from the gaming community. His rival, Roxas, is in the much older photo with Saïx and their friend Axel.

Vanitas heard rumors Axel and Roxas were dating but had never bothered to confirm the information himself. Roxas is a popular gamer and making good money to do let’s plays and streams. He goes to all of the YouTube conventions and travels the world to do competitions and speak. Axel, Saïx’s friend, is also a fashion Instagram alternative model. He does a lot of nude and risqué shoots and is attempting to launch a makeup brand.

Axel is also trans according to his profile. Vanitas falls down the rabbit hole and ends up deep in Axel’s Instagram, too. Both he and Saïx have done shoots together and Van feels his heart slam hard into his chest when he notes there is definitely a nude of Saïx on Axel’s page. Anything good is covered with an emoji sticker but he had no idea Saïx did nudes, too. There’s a photo of Axel, Saïx, and Roxas all at Pride where Axel has a shirt emblazoned with the words _Men Have Vaginas Too_ which makes Vanitas rolls his eyes.

Men do not have vaginas.

What an idiot.

Van makes his way back to the video he posted and notes there are already hits and comments which make his little gremlin hands rub together in his mind. He scrolls through them and notes the first couple agrees with everything he’s sad which is validating. However, the remainder of the comments looks to be comments from Saïx’s fans.

_-You call Saïx gross but have you looked in the mirror greasy boy?_

_-Lol he lives in his mom’s basement you guys it’s why his personality is so shitty_

_-we get it ur penis is small_

_-He’s mad Saïx would never date him bc he’s a nasty grease monkey_

_-its 2019 dude u can come out of the closet and say u like nb ppl like Saïx_

The insulting comments are flying in so fast, Vanitas can’t keep up and do damage control but quickly the video is flooded with people insulting him and not Saïx. He’s tempted to take the video down but he wants Saïx to see it first. He wants Saïx to comment on the video’s content. He wants a response.

He’s not heard the term before but he’s sure someone else will ask for clarification so he waits, still ignore Demyx’s texts.

- _Saïx’s real name isn’t your business and it’s disgusting of you to post it online_

_-I hope you know you can go to jail for defamation you stupid pig_

_-lol I like that he calls Saïx ugly but his face is covered in grease in like all of his videos what a nasty POS_

_-dude just kill urself pls and rid the world of ur trash views_

_-die_

_-I hope Saïx doesn’t even respond to ur trash video lol_

_-kill yourself_

The number of people telling him to off himself is enough to make him finally walk away from the computer and sit on the bed. He studies his forearms and traces old scars with his fingertips. Eventually, he notes he has a new text from Demyx.

_Demyx: Dude ur video is fucking rude wth man_

_Demyx: why would tell ppl his real name???_

_Demyx: take it down man_

_Vanitas: ur on his side?_

_Demyx: No man I’m trying to tell u that ur being a crappy person and u should take that video down it’s mean_

_Vanitas: I’m always mean_

_Demyx: it’s not funny Vanitas_

Van glares and angrily shoves his phone away because he doesn’t want to hear Demyx trying to be holier than thou. As if Dem hasn’t sat right by his side and been mean to people with him during streams.

_Vanitas: where do u get off being so morally superior??_

_Demyx: idk man I’ve just been thinking a lot about how we talk online and stuff_

_Demyx: also i’m gay and I just… don’t like it when you call ppl the f word man it’s wrong_

_Vanitas: ur gay?_

_Demyx: Yeah…_

_Vanitas: dude… gross_

Demyx doesn’t text him back so Van stares up at the ceiling and debates on taking the video down but then he may come off as a coward who can’t handle people making fun of him on the internet. He’s had plenty of people make fun of him in real life, this is really no different. Eventually, Van drags himself to his feet and goes back to check the video and notes it’s grown exponentially. His eyes widen when he notes the top comment is from Saïx’s YouTube account. It’s been upvoted already thousands of times.

_SAÏX: Thank you for proving my point : ) I hope you have a pleasant day. Also, thanks for stalking my Instagram, I appreciate all of the likes from your account *kisses*_

Van startles and grabs his phone and notes he must have subconsciously clicked likes on the photos he’d been looking at. Some of them were years old and his face burns with realizing he just completely outed himself and now thousands have liked and replied to Saïx’s comment. Despite wanting to hide in shame, he finds himself opening the replies to read through them even as they continuously flood in real time.

_-LOL he liked ur photos on Instagram? What a fake_

_-Hi Saiix!_

_-gremlin trash boy actually gay lmfao_

_-he’s so gay it’s painful_

_-CLAP BACK SAÏX_

_-he’s not even worth your time_

_-I hope he chokes on this_

_-burn!_

_-maybe he’ll finally kill himself_

_-Vanitas kill yourself challenge_

_SAÏX: Please do not tell people to kill themselves on my behalf or ever! He clearly needs help so please don’t tell anyone to hurt themselves because you never know what someone might do. Thank you. Have a good day everyone : )_

Tears run down Vanitas’ face while he keeps reading the comments of people wanting him to die and Saïx oddly defending him is sad and comforting all in one. He should take the video down but he can’t stop reading the awful comments from people. It’s not until someone threatens him bodily with rape he decides to take the video down. He deletes the video and all of the comments disappear but he can’t scrub them from memory.

“Vanitas!” Sora calls down the stairs. “Riku had to go to work and I’m bored. Can we do something?”

Vanitas wipes his face to put himself back together so he doesn’t sound like he’s been throat fucked and sits upright. “Yeah, Sora, just gimme a minute.”

“Okay!”

His hands shake while he redresses and starts to pick at his face again out of habit, slowly making his way upstairs to find Sora sitting with tons of board games sitting out. Sora loves board games even if he hates playing by the rules. He can still remember how they grew up with Candy Land and Battleship but lost the pieces for a lot of the games so they ended up combining them in a game Vanitas called Candy Ship Battle Land.

To this day, it’s Sora’s favorite game.

“You showered,” Sora remarks while he plays with some pebbles in a bowl on the coffee table. Sora loves to stim more than anything so they’ve taken it upon themselves to fill every room in the house full of things Sora likes to touch so he always feels satisfied.

“Yeah, I did,” Vanitas replies while he sits down to look over the game choices. “Board games, huh?”

“Mhm. Please?”

“Okay, sure. When did Riku leave?”

“A few minutes ago,” Sora replies. He eagerly grabs Hungry Hungry Hippos and shoves the other games to the side. “This one.”

“Only if you promise to play it right and not steal all of the marbles,” Van replies firmly.

Sora pouts and slowly pushes Hungry Hungry Hippos away. “Boring.”

“What about Sorry?” Vanitas asks and points to their Sorry game. They’ve had the same one since they were kids and Sora loved to play it so much his grandmother had made sure to keep all of the pieces in special baggies so Sora would remember to put them all back together correctly.

“Okay,” Sora replies. “Why are you sad, Vanitas?”

“Sad?”

“Your eyes are all red.”

Van blushes while he helps Sora set up the game on the coffee table to play. “Nothing just saw a sad video.”

“I want to see.”

“No, Sora, it’s… really pathetic and sad. The guy who made it is a big loser and people hate him.”

Sora’s eyes fill with tears. “That’s sad.”

“Yeah, it is sad,” Van mutters. “Anyway, uh, let’s play, okay?”

“Okay!” Sora says with a big smile. “Can’t wait.”

Vanitas tries to smile back while he tries not to think too deeply on the number of people who would love to see him in the ground. His eyes land on Sora and how he looks so happy to see him and play this game together. Would Sora still love him if he knew how awful he was online? Would Sora still want him to be his brother? Van’s heart sinks while thinking on how Sora would probably better off if he wasn’t his brother. He’s not a good brother by a long shot.

“Sora,” he says softly.

“Yeah?”

“Am… am I a good brother to you? Do you think I’m a good brother?” he asks slowly while moving his piece. He always gets yellow because Sora insists and he quit arguing years ago.

“Hmmm.” Sora watches Van move his piece and plays with his quietly in his fingers. “I guess you’re okay.”

“Just okay?”

“I mean you’re mean,” Sora replies bluntly. “You don’t pay me money to live here and I know you think I’m stupid.”

“What- Sora, _no I do not think that_ ,” he says firmly. “Who told you that? Did Riku tell you I think that? Because I _don’t_.”

“Riku didn’t say that,” Sora snaps back, his face and voice heated. ‘He wouldn’t say stuff like that! _I_ think that!”

“But-.”

“I heard you call me retarded once,” Sora whispers. “With your friends on the phone. I cried and cried and cried but you were too busy to notice or care. I know you think I’m stupid or retarded or whatever.”

“No- I… Sora…” Vanitas tries to remember when he would have ever called Sora a slur so mean but he can’t remember at all. “When was that? When did I say that?”

“Mmm, we were younger. You were like… sixteen…”

“That was ten years ago. Sora, I… I didn’t mean that. I’m so sorry. I’m _so sorry_ .” Vanitas reaches to take his hand but Sora pulls back. “Sora, I don’t think that. I swear to God, I do not think that about you. I probably said that to… to fit in or something but I didn’t _mean it_. If anyone called you that now, I’d kill them.”

Sora fiddles with Van’s piece but Vanitas doesn’t care if he loses his spot. He wants to make sure Sora knows he _doesn’t_ feel that way. “You swear on your game system?”

“Yes. I swear on all of my game systems and equipment and grandma’s grave I do not feel that way.”

Sora sets his piece back down at the start. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Vanitas whispers while he feels his eyes well up because Sora had gone for ten years thinking he thought he was something so heinous because of one conversation he overheard. “I’m sorry I ever said that and I’m sorry you heard me say it because I’m sure it hurt our feelings.”

“Yeah, it did.”

“I’m sorry. Sora, I’m really sorry.” He doesn’t want to cry but all of the emotions from earlier quickly bubble up and he feels tears run down his face. “Can you forgive me?”

Sora taps his chin in debate. “Maybe if you buy me ice cream.”

“Sure, any kind you want,” Vanitas says firmly.

“Okay, I forgive you.” Sora smiles and grabs some pebbles to play with quietly. “I put you back at the start.”

Vanitas smirks. “I see that. Trying to beat me, huh?”

“Mhm.”

“You’re better than me at this game so I’m sure you will.”

Sora brings the pebble up to his lips to rub and he smiles, clearly pleased he’s going to win this first round. “Yeah, I am better than you at this game.”

Vanitas snorts and lets Sora take his turn. “So, where did we leave off with me as your brother? Good or bad?”

“You’re improving,” Sora replies quietly. “Better than you used to be.”

He nods slowly. “Okay. I’ll take it.”

“I still love you, stinky.”

“I love you, too, brat.” Vanitas reaches over to ruffle Sora’s hair before they refocus on the board game. The comments from online become a distant memory and feel only like a bad dream.

* * *

 

“Closet case, I’m calling it right now.”

Isa rolls his eyes and gives Axel a look over his shoulder. “I think you should stop thinking about it.”

“He put your real name online Is’, that’s just wrong.”

“You can find my real name without a lot of searching,” Isa points out. “It’s not like I changed it because Isa is a dead-name. I changed my online persona that’s all.”

Axel stretches and yawns. “He deleted the video by the way but screenshots live forever. Plus, people already made him into a meme. Greasy Boi with an ‘I’.”

Isa snorts and rolls his eyes. “I’m sure it will die quicker than it came. You know how memes are.”

“Yeah but he also likes to step in it a lot,” Axel replies. “Let’s see, what does the internet bring up about our new friend Greasy Boi. How do you spell Vanitas? V-A-N-E-E-T-U-S?”

Isa sighs and slowly turns to face Axel where he’s stretched out on the bed, iPad in hand, and tapping away. “No. V-A-N-I-T-A-S and I really don’t think you should be fighting fire with fire, Axel. Leave him alone, he’s clearly troubled.”

“Oh, I think I found a Facebook profile.”

“Axel-.”

Axel laughs out loud and spins the tablet around. “Okay but tell me why Greasy Boi only has five Facebook friends and one of them is his brother. Aw, look, his brother is cute. How can someone so cute be related to someone so nasty? His profile pics are a disaster.”

“Axel, c’mon cut it out.” Isa walks over to take the iPad away and remove temptation. Axel pouts but Isa returns to his computer with the iPad and finds himself scrolling through Vanitas’ posts. There aren’t many; reposted memes, a lot of photos with his brother – Sora – and there are a few posts about Autism.

Vanitas’ profile pictures are pretty bad; a lot of MySpace angles and bad lighting and they distort his face more than necessary. Isa is ready to stuff the iPad away but he clicks on Sora’s profile next and sees the mass difference. Sora has thousands of friends and seems extremely friendly online. In his about he labels himself as autistic and his profile photo is of him smiling while a pretty boy with silver hair kisses his cheek.

Vanitas’ brother is gay.

Isa’s eyebrows raise and he wonders how someone could have a queer sibling and still be extremely homophobic. Especially when Sora has tons of photos of the two of them. There are more photos of Vanitas on Sora’s profile than on Vanitas’ profile. He almost looks normal instead of a bad, ugly grease ball but Isa can see the guy has horrible skin and his hair needs cutting.

In Sora’s photos, Vanitas is actually decent looking. Hell, Isa would even dare to call him cute or attractive if he didn’t know how crappy of a person he is in real life. Isa spends an hour scrolling through Sora’s photos, showing him and Vanitas at various events – the Renaissance Fair, festivals, the animal shelter, a Halloween party, a lot of events for different Autism groups.

“His brother is Autistic,” Isa remarks casually.

“So?” Axel asks. “That gives him a free pass to be inappropriate?”

“No, I was just saying.”

“Isa, he’s trash, just accept he’s trash and move on.” Axel sits up and stretches. “I wanna eat, do you want to go out? Roxas is at Destiny Island’s Bar, wanna come with? I’m gonna go meet up with him.”

“No, that’s alright. You can go.”

“Okay… If I can’t look him up and obsess, you can’t either.” Axel gives him a firm look but is out the door and Isa returns to going over social media. He clicks onto Vanitas’ Instagram profile and finds it’s more active than his Facebook. Mostly photos of nature and his brother, hardly any selfies and the ones he has are bad, but he also posts photos of drawings which Isa finds immediately interesting.

They’re all sketches and doodles of little monster creatures which Isa finds most of them are cute. Most of them are sad, however, with a lot of dark imagery despite their bizarrely cute designs. Isa decides to rise above it and he likes all of Vanitas’ doodles and the photos of his brother Sora.

Clearly, Vanitas needs help and while he doesn’t think Vanitas is a good person, he also doesn’t want him to feel so lonely. Rising above things is Isa’s new motto in life and with his rising social media influence and fame, he has no time for internet drama – especially with someone so insignificant to his field of expertise.

_SAÏX: Your drawings are very cute you should post more : )_

Maybe commenting is passive aggressive but he does like Vanitas’ drawings enough to comment on them. He flies to Twitter to see if Vanitas has ever tweeted the drawings. He has a handful of followers, under 5,000, and most of his profile is vitriol but there are photos of his drawings. They aren’t his most popular posts but Saïx tweets two of the drawings and replies to them, too.

_@ SAÏX: These are really good! Def put your focus on these : )_

Good deed completed, Isa feels better and he makes his way down to the first floor of his house to make lunch. Jelly, his favorite dog and best friend, is sound asleep on the couch which makes him smile. He stays quiet on the way to the kitchen to grab leftovers for lunch. He’s unsurprised to see his publicist is sending him emails about the deleted video and wanting to know if he wants to do anything about the content.

For now, he ignores the emails because he only wants to do something if Vanitas decides to keep harassing him online. Also, if someone actually does doxx him, he will definitely retaliate in some manner. Cease and desist letters usually, do the trick without further legal action. Leftovers warmed up, Isa goes to collapse on the comfy chair and stretches out to scroll through Twitter.

He has too many DM’s to go through and too many mentions but he’s unsurprised to see people Tweeting him about his recent retweets of Vanitas’ content.

_-why would you tweet this crap?_

_-I didn’t think you supported him???_

_-did you see the video he posted about you?_

_-he’s such trash why would you RT this?_

_-Lol I wonder if he’s a furry_

_-Monster fucker LOL_

_-his drawings are cute but his personality is SHIT_

_-his drawings aren’t even good Sai why did u RT him??? Ugh_

_-I don’t want to even see his name on my TL why would you do RT ?!_

_-Vanitas die challenge_

He’s unsurprised to see outrage on his TL but the last few tweets coming in are what make him snap and address the issue.

_@ SAÏX: I know you guys don’t want to see @/voidXgear on your TL’s but I RT’d his art bc I always want to try to rise above the drama and be a better person. Also pls do NOT tell ppl to commit su/i/cide EVER. IDC if you guys don’t like this person or if they are literal human garbage do not tell someone to hurt themselves or other people. You don’t know if that person is close to harming themselves or others so pls keep that in consideration. Thank you_

_@ SAÏX: His art is nice and I wanted ppl to see them I’m sorry if seeing his content upset or triggered you. I will refrain from RT-ing his content again_

Isa sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Clearly, Vanitas has created many enemies online and his following are people just like him. He probably shouldn’t even be attempting to defend Vanitas after the crappy situation they had this morning but Isa doesn’t like to leave vitriol unanswered or unaddressed. Opening himself to Vanitas’ followers, however, was probably a bad idea.

Unsurprisingly, Isa’s DMs flood with people wanting to talk about Vanitas and how he’s treated others in the past. Everything quickly becomes a bashing and complaining session, so Isa logs off of Twitter and knows his agent is going to have a field day with this entire mess.

_Axel: you really out here stepping in it Is_

_Isa: not in the mood Ax_

_Axel: Just saying probably shouldn’t have RT’d his art lol_

_Isa: I see that. I was just trying to be a better person ok?_

_Axel: yeah I know you_

_Axel: you weren’t always like that ;)_

_Isa: I learned my lesson_

Years ago, like Vanitas, he used to be a bully because he thought being mean and nasty would actually take him somewhere in life. He learned quickly, after tearing people down and hurting anyone in his way, the path to the top is not worth all of the drama. Over the years, he realized he was turning into someone he didn’t like and quickly rebranded himself to become someone better.

Now, he’s made a name for himself as someone who is professional, nice, and courteous. He likes to try and spread positivity and not allow anyone to tear someone else down in his name. The biggest lesson he ever learned existed in a young person named Xion. He’d ended up harassing them over stupid comments in his younger days and drove Xion to harm themselves.

When he found out on the social media tree about what happened to Xion, he’d debated on disappearing forever and leaving his dreams behind. Instead, he’d decided to take it as a learning experience and he sent an extremely long apology to both their family and them directly. Xion had managed to recover and he’d managed to obtain permission to come in person to apologize.

Ever since Isa had quickly turned his behavior around to try and become better. He went to therapy, became medicated for depression and received help with his own gender issues, and slowly crawled out of the black hole he shoved himself into. He apologized to Xion in as many ways as he could, even offering to pay for any hospital bills not covered by their health insurance.

The incident happened eight years ago and he’s learned a lot in the last eight years. Xion is doing better, in fact, they moved out to California and became friends with Roxas. Now, Xion is an artist working out of Los Angeles and making more money than they know what to do with. Isa is glad they are doing well and they can be friendly and understanding toward one another.

Now, he has a short leash for people threatening others online. He reports harassment on Twitter and threats of violence as often as he sees them. He speaks out about mental health and suicide as often as possible because he knows how deeply it permeates the queer community especially. Being non-binary and unsure about his pronouns for the longest time, Isa is glad he is finally in a place of acceptance of himself and able to push positivity on others. More than anything, he wants to show young queer people they can make it too, and things really do get better.

While he has no real evidence Vanitas is on the queer spectrum, he has his suspicions since he is so outwardly homophobic, even when his brother is clearly gay. Isa remembers a time when as a teenager he made a lot of homophobic comments too before realizing he was also gay. Vanitas, even as an adult, may have never had the Gay Awakening moment. Axel calls it: The Gaywakening.

If Vanitas is struggling with his sexual identity, Isa can understand the absolute chaos going on in his mind. He’s never seen an account like so many old photos on his Instagram without at least having a slight crush on him. Part of him just wants to be forward and ask Vanitas if he’s gay but asking something so blunt could have the opposite effect so he stays out of Vanitas’ DM’s. He does smile a little when he notes Vanitas likes the comments he left on the pictures on Instagram but hasn’t replied.

Maybe, just maybe, they can start over and he can educate Vanitas on how to treat people better. He’d rather have an enemy become his friend and help someone grow than remain enemies forever.

* * *

 

Saïx likes his art and he has no idea what to do with that information. He’s watching the notifications fly in on the tweet Saïx retweeted and he’s never seen so many people hate him collectively in his life. They usually reach for the lowest bearing fruit – calling him ugly, greasy, disgusting – but others reach further and do their best to insult and cut him as deeply as possible.

He’s been lying in bed after four hours of playing Sorry with Sora reading tweets and letting it consume him completely. Riku came home and he can also hear them fighting, too. Riku wants Vanitas to move out and Sora wants Vanitas to stay – they fight about him a lot. Riku can’t stand him and thinks he isn’t good for Sora but Sora insists Van stay because he loves him.

He tried to text Demyx earlier to apologize for being rude but hasn’t heard back. He doesn’t blame him and all of his other friends have essentially blocked him across the board. No one wants to talk to him on Discord and no one wants to message him on any other platform either. There are so many people now tweeting at him to just kill himself he’s been giving it serious thought. He knows Sora has drugs upstairs in the bathroom cabinet on the first floor. He knows Riku has pain killers for his wrist. There are an assortment of knives in the kitchen.

There are several options on how to go.

Anxiety tightens his chest and stomach until they’re in knots. The worst part is, he knows he messed up and hurt people on multiple occasions but he has no idea how to undo all of those things or how to change his behavior. Nothing can excuse him and he hasn’t bothered to tweet anyone in response or defend himself. His drawings are all locked up and he eventually goes over to his desk to unlock the drawer and dump them in the trash.

People think they’re ugly and they’re all right. He’s never liked his drawings and always thought he was a poor artist which is why he never bothered to pursue it beyond just doodles. He deletes the photos off of his Instagram and on Twitter but the threads will still exist. He’s also unsurprised when people quickly pick up he’s deleted the tweets and start to harass him further about running and hiding without addressing his bad behavior.

He spends the rest of the night, lying in bed, and reading comments, replies, and threads regarding his behavior. People are eagerly calling him out and using his handle so he’ll see their tweets. He sifts through hundreds of people talking about how he’s hurt them, hurt their children, and there’s more than one petition for him to be completely deleted from the internet.

The worst being he knows they’re all correct and he has no idea what to do from here.

He’s too scared to tweet and make a mess so he debates on making one more video before doing what they want. His brother doesn’t need him, he has Riku and Riku is much better than he’s ever been, and his parents can’t stand him either. His grandmother had never loved him, left him absolutely nothing in her will, and made sure Sora was set up for life when it comes to money and housing.

The sound of someone coming down the stairs makes him sit up and he covers up the fact he’s naked on the bed after a third shower of the day. Sora slowly appears and even in the darkness of his room, Vanitas can see there are tears shining in his eyes and running down his face.

“Sora?” he gasps. “What’s wrong?”

“You- you- you-.”

Vanitas scoots further to be closer to the end of the bed, pain filling his chest. “I, what?”

Sora sniffs and wipes his face on his sleeve. “ _You_ are a bully, Vanitas,” he says, voice breaking and sad. Being called a bully by Sora is the Ultimate Insult; Sora hates bullies because to Sora, bullies are people who are mean spirited and hate others and like to tear them down. Being called a bully by his own brother is a new kind of pain.

“Sora-.”

“No, you don’t get to _defend_ yourself. I saw- I saw your video online and then I saw your _channel_ . I didn’t know you were so _awful_. You call people names and make fun of people in your videos! Especially… people like me.” Sora’s face is a mask of complete betrayal and Vanitas can feel his soul die when Sora stares at him with a lot of pain in his eyes.

“I’ve never made of fun anyone like you,” he says quickly because one slur he won’t tolerate _is_ the r-slur. He’s shut people down in his streams for saying it and he hopes Sora has least seen _that_ much.

“Gay people, you call them… you say awful things,” Sora says. “I can’t even _say_ it. I have a boyfriend, we let you live in our _house_ , and I don’t ask you pay for anything ever. I thought all of the bigots were outside but I never realized they were in my own house. I want you to leave, Vanitas. I don’t want you here anymore. You’ve hurt a lot of people and you’re just a bad, bad brother. Mom and Dad were right to stop helping you.”

He wants to say something, to make time stop, and rewind his life to this morning so he could take it all back but the only thing he can do is stammer and stare. Sora leaves and goes back upstairs while Van is left to sit on his bed and not say or do anything. Maybe by tomorrow, Sora will have changed his mind but when he moves over to his desk to record he makes the video under the assumption by morning he has nowhere to go.

Tomorrow, he’ll kill himself tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

“My name is… Vanitas… I’m sure you all know by now who I am. I’m the hashtag on Twitter… Vanitas… kill yourself challenge. Funny, I guess, I always would tell people to do that and now it’s being done to me. Yeah…”

Isa sits on the edge of his seat, watching Vanitas’ new video, noting all of his others are gone. His channel is blank and his twitch deleted. He’s messaged anyone and everyone in his social circle to track down Vanitas’ or his brother’s information because he’s so anxious after having woken up to several people sending this video over to his Twitter.

“I, um, wanted to apologize to anyone I hurt,” Vanitas says, voice completely flat, not even looking into the camera. “Especially, my brother Sora… I’m.. I’m so sorry for using that language and for hurting people. I wish I could fix it but I can’t. I don’t know how.”

Tears threaten Isa’s eyes and make them water but he keeps watching.

“Sorry to Saïx for making that video… for… for…” Vanitas pauses and starts to cry which is like a nail right in the heart.

Overnight, he’s seen a meme crop up of Vanitas’ tears and people are extremely cruel with the way its spread like a disease. He’s also seen many people in the gaming industry state this is all fake and his tears aren’t real and no one should believe this video to be real.

Vanitas clears his face and tries not to cry again, hands shaking, and fighting the shaking in his voice. “I know a lot of you want me to k-… kill myself and- I’ve never seen so many people come together to… to this one goal in mind. It’s okay-“ He swallows back a lump forming and Isa feels his own tears start to slide down his face. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay. I won’t be here much longer and you can find someone else to hate. I know I’m easy to hate, I hate me, too. Sora hates me. His boyfriend hates me. My grandmother _really_ hated me. My parents hate me.”

_Axel: Roxas knows his brother he’s texting Sora right now to see if Vanitas is ok_

_Isa: Ok good_

_Isa: someone should call 911 to do a wellness check if they can track his address down his video is bad Axel_

_Axel: yeah… I watched it… I told Roxas not to it’s kinda triggering_

_Isa: I didn’t mean to do this_

_Axel: you didn’t_

_Isa: I should have stayed in my lane. If I hadn’t commented on that first video, I doubt it would have blown up like this_

_Axel: don’t blame yourself_

“I’m sorry, I’m just really sorry.” Vanitas cuts off to cry again, covering his face, and even in his bad lighting, Isa can see he has old scars on his arms. “I’m so sorry. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

The video ends and Isa feels a spike of anxiety smack him in the gut. He desperately pulls up Vanitas’ DM’s but they’re closed. His Twitter page is blacked out and he hasn’t posted anything since the video. More than once, Isa goes to the bathroom to pee and throw up because despite Axel saying it’s not his fault he feels a grave sense of responsibility for sending Vanitas to this awful place.

_Axel: Roxas got a hold of Sora_

_Isa: And??_

_Axel: Sora said Vanitas is ok_

_Isa: he’s ok he’s not hurt?_

Axel: Um hold on I’m translating from Roxas – Sora said Vanitas came upstairs around 4 am and went to the bathroom which Sora heard and thought was weird bc he has one downstairs so he went to check on what was wrong and found Vanitas crying and looking for Riku’s pain killers. Said he had a headache but Sora didn’t trust him and made Vanitas sit down and then Vanitas told him he wanted to die so Sora made Riku take Vanitas to the hospital

_Isa: is he there now?_

_Axel: he’s on a 72 hour hold_

_Isa: Omg_

_Axel: he didn’t hurt himself tho so that’s good_

_Isa: He’s in the hospital Axel_

_Axel: Getting HELP_

_Isa: Is Sora alright?_

_Axel: Roxas said Sora’s p upset rn_

_Isa: Can we do anything? I feel so responsible rn_

_Axel: Isa_

_Isa: Axel, I pushed this. I did it and I thought RT-ing his art would be helpful and it wasn’t helpful. He started it but I finished it and I should have just stayed in my lane and I DIDN’T._

_Isa: Can Roxas give me his brother’s #? If that’s ok with his brother? I’d like to talk to him myself_

_Axel: hold on_

Isa sits on the end of his bed, legs bouncing, while he waits for confirmation. An unknown number pops up onto his screen which he can only assume is Sora’s number.

_?: This is Riku I’m Sora’s bf he can’t talk rn this is my phone_

_Isa: that’s okay um I’m sorry IK we don’t know each other. My name is Isa_

_Riku: You’re the guy on Twitter right?_

_Isa: yes and I wanted to reach out bc I feel really responsible for this_

_Riku: Vanitas dug his own grave it’s not your fault_

_Isa: I shouldn’t have engaged, I should have stayed in my lane. Can I do anything for Sora or you or Vanitas?_

_Riku: Sora’s super upset rn he can’t talk so I don’t want to ask him rn but I’m fine personally_

_Isa: I take it you’re not a Vanitas fan_

_Riku: No. He really upset Sora last night bc Sora found the Twitter stuff and his videos and how he’s been calling people fags and Sora was v upset about it. He told Vanitas he wanted him to leave and then this all happened_

_Isa: Fuckk_

_Riku: We got to him before he could do anything but I know Sora is blaming himself_

_Isa: This is NOT his fault pls tell him that this is not his fault_

_Riku: I have. He’s nonverbal rn. His parents are on the way so I have to go and try to relay what Sora is trying to say if they talk to him_

_Isa: ok… pls… reach out if you need it. I really do feel like I caused this avalanche. I’m so sorry_

_Riku: I’ll let Sora know I’m sure he’d like to talk to you when he can_

_Isa: Ok_

Isa sighs, flopping back onto his bed. He promised himself he would never hurt someone on a scale like this again and maybe Vanitas is not the nicest or kindest person in the world but no one deserves all of this. He sits up the rest of the day trying to spread positivity on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Later in the evening, he receives a new text from another unknown number.

 _?: This is Sora, Vanitas’ brother_ _  
_ _?: Thank you for texting or I mean offering to text I appreciate it_

Isa sits up to add Sora’s number to his phone to go along with Riku’s.

_Isa: Hi Sora, I’m Isa_

_Sora: I’m sorry if I’m slow or hve tyops I’m still p upset_

_Isa: That’s ok! I just want to say first of all, I am so sorry if I caused this. God I am so fucking sorry I feel sick and awful and I did not mean to cause this avalanche_

_Sora: Van need hlp so myb it was a good thing_

_Isa: Maybe. I just feel so awful_

_Sora: it’s ok I’m not mad at u and I don’t think van would be either_

_Isa: How are you? Do you need anything? Can I ask which hospital he’s in?_

_Sora: We’re @ UCLA Medical Center rn_

_Isa: So you’re close by ok_

_Sora: I’m sorry he said those things about you 2 I didn’t see the video but someone Ik told me what he said and I’m rlly sorry_

_Isa: I’m not mad_

_Sora: You’re a nice person_

_Sora: I’m glad you reached out it was v kind_

_Isa: I just want you to be ok I know this is scary af_

_Sora: : ( I’m just glad I found him before it was 2 late_

_Isa: I agree_

_Sora: He’s… sick. Mom and Dad said he’s sick and needs help with his brain. It’s why he acts like that. I just want him to be happy bc I’m not sure Van’s ever been happy before_

_Isa: That’s rlly awful and rlly hard on ppl to not be happy or feel anything but sad. I was rlly depressed when I was younger and I tried to hurt myself like Vanitas but my parents helped me_

_Sora: And ur ok now?_

_Isa: I’m a lot better yes. I’m on medications and they help me feel better_

_Sora: Good : )_

_Isa: Not to be a total stalker but I saw your FB profile and Vanitas seems to care about you a lot. Lots of photos together : )_

_Sora: Yeah… he does a lot w/me_ _  
_ _Isa: I’m glad. I really hope he feels better soon_

_Sora: Ty. I’m tired so I’m gonna stop talking but ty again I’ll try to update you and you can come down to the hospital if you want but they probably won’t let you see him or anything_

_Isa: Ok. Thank you again for being so kind and responsive. Pls take care of yourself, Sora_

_Sora; I will_

Talking to Sora eases his mind a little and he makes a note to at least send flowers to the hospital once he has Vanitas’ information. He hopes, with all of his heart, Vanitas will at least receive enough help to not hurt himself again.

For the night, he makes one more tweet.

_@ SAÏX: Hug your loved ones tonight. You never know when you may not see them again. Reach out to that friend you’ve been meaning to say hello to and call your cousins, uncles, grandparents. Hold onto the ones you love and let them KNOW you love them. Good night xoxo_

Before he goes to sleep, Isa sends one last text to someone he hasn’t texted in a few years but hopes they still want to hear from him.

_Isa: I love you Mom and I hope to hear from you soon <3 _

 


	2. Chapter 2

“You look as if you feel better today, Vanitas.”

Vanitas shrugs. Better is a relative term – he doesn’t know what the doctor means by better but he is no longer standing on the edge of a precipice and debating on flinging himself over the edge. After the 72-hour hold at the hospital, he’d started therapy, which Sora was footing the bill since he lacked health insurance. Sora told him he could stay at the house but he had to stop making videos so Vanitas had packed a lot his equipment away so as not to be tempted.

In the end, it didn’t matter because his reputation is ruined and his channel subscribers dropped so significantly he has no idea how to bounce back. He has no idea what to do with his life now because he has no skills, no work experience, and is essentially hated on every social media platform. Eventually, he knows things will blow over because the internet will always find someone new to hate but it still hurts. He wants to make a new live stream again just to see how it goes.

It’s been a few weeks since the incident, maybe things have died down.

“I don’t feel like dying,” he replies with a shrug.

Dr. Cricket nods his head. “Good, I’m glad to hear that. Are you and Sora still having issues getting along or have things lightened up?”

“Things are still tense,” Vanitas replies with a shrug.

“He’s upset with you,” Dr. Cricket continues.

“Yeah, I don’t blame him.”

“Are you upset with yourself?”

He snorts – what a stupid question. Of course, he’s upset with himself. He hurt Sora so badly Sora called him a bully which may not sound bad on the surface but to Sora being a bully is the most heinous. He’s never hated himself more.

“Yeah,” he finally says, arms crossing over his chest and slumping in his seat.

“Are you working on forgiving yourself?”

“I don’t know how.”

Dr. Cricket nods. “I understand,” he says quietly. “I know it can be hard to climb out of a hole you’ve dug for yourself but the point is to try. Vanitas, if you are not willing to help yourself, I cannot help you move forward.”

Van sniffs and feels the urge to start picking his face but he clenches his hands around his elbows to keep from picking and peeling scabs until they bleed. “I just don’t feel worthy of Sora or anyone anymore,” he replies quietly. “I called him the r-word when I was younger and he thought I meant it for ten years. _Ten years_ , he thought I thought that of him… I’ve gone to events with him about Autism and supporting him and I was so proud when he graduated college and… I would never say that about him. He’s so smart and bright…”

Dr. Cricket makes a few notes and steeples his fingers over his desk. “Do you tell him these things? That you’re proud and you find him smart and bright?”

“I try,” he whispers. “I support him as much as I can.”

“Good,” Dr. Cricket says with a soft smile. “What do you think you can do for yourself moving forward to help you start to forgive and heal, Vanitas? When you first came in, we made a goal sheet, and you wrote on that goal sheet that you wanted to become a better person. I asked you if you could elaborate and you said you wanted to be more like Sora. Accepting, kind, friendly… to the best of your abilities.”

Vanitas nods slowly. “Yeah,” he whispers.

“What do you think you can do, starting today, which will help you go onto that path of becoming a better person. It can be something small – it doesn’t have to be a large life-changing event. Think small goals first.”

The other night he’d typed into Google, _how to become a better person_ , and had immediately felt stupid because how sad is it he has to _Google_ how to become better. He’d read through articles on bettering oneself for hours but they all came off cheesy and ridiculous.

“I could… start telling Sora how much I appreciate him,” Vanitas replies slowly. “And how much he means to me and that I’m sorry for hurting him.”

“That is a very good goal, Vanitas.”

“How… do I do that,” Vanitas asks slowly.

“Well, it can be as simple as showing appreciation around your house. I know you said you live with him and his boyfriend which is quite an issue right now. He’s letting you stay under the stipulation you will receive help and move out, correct?”

Vanitas nods and shrinks further down into his seat. “Yeah, those are the stipulations.”

                _“I’m going to let you come home,” Sora says while they’re sitting in the car after being released from the hospital’s hold. “I’m going to let you come home even though I said I wanted you gone but you have to get help, Vanitas. You have to go to therapy-.”_

_“I don’t have money,” he replies, staring blankly out the window of the backseat. His parents had come to visit him a few times but hadn’t said much. He’s pretty sure he saw his father look disappointed he hadn’t done the deed._

_“I’ll pay for it.”_

_“Sora-.”_

_“Not for free,” Sora shoots back. “You’ll pay me back because Riku is going to keep all of the bills so I don’t lose them but I want you to get help, get a job, and move out.”_

_“How long do I have?” Vanitas asks and wonders if this is just a prolonged death sentence. The end of the tunnel is just darkness. He can go to therapy, he can take medication but without insurance, he won’t be able to afford the medication once Sora decides enough is enough and cuts the cord._

_“When your therapist says you’re in a better place.”_

_“That could be a long time from now, Sora,” he points out. “You don’t know when that will be or ever be.”_

_Sora pauses to think and Van can practically feel his life sentence coming to a grinding halt. He knows he had it easy living in Sora’s house, out of sight, out of mind. His parents had quickly turned him out on his ass at eighteen and hadn’t bothered to look back. After his grandmother died, Sora inherited everything when he turned eighteen two years later. In those two years, Vanitas had tried college after obtaining a GED but quickly dropped out and moved in with Sora._

_Now, his time is up and he’s unsure where he’s going to go._

_He could move back in with his parents even if they’re toxic and abusive toward him. Sora doesn’t know and he never wants Sora to know his parents the way he knows them. He never wants Sora to know about how they stood by and let him be traumatized at an early age by their priest. He never wants anyone to know – not his future therapist or anyone else._

_“Three months,” Sora finally says. “You have three months to get a job and move out.”_

_Three months. Three months his life is over and his parents can finally put him in the ground._

“Do you think those are fair stipulations, Vanitas? You have lived off of your brother for many years,” Dr. Cricket says.

“Yeah.”

“Perhaps, to show appreciation for Sora’s kindness, you can do some work around the house. I know you are also searching for work. I would have you set up a budget and maybe give Sora money you can feasibly afford to pay some your debt off. You said you wanted to repay Sora, yes?”

He nods.

Riku has been working together to figure out how _much_ Vanitas owes Sora for the past several years. He’s scared to ever know the total because he knows he’ll never be able to afford to pay it back, even if he does make it on YouTube being a gamer or land a decent paying job. He owes Sora so much more than just money.

“I could try that,” he says after a moment. “To help out.”

 “I think these are all feasible activities you can complete and will help start you on a better path, Vanitas. I’m very proud of the work you put in today.” Dr. Cricket makes a final note and Van knows his time is up. He’s hoping Sora is here to pick him up and not Riku because he doesn’t want to listen to yet another Riku Rant.

“Thanks,” he replies.

“And you’re still taking your medication? How is that going?”

“I’m taking it… I don’t know if I feel different yet.”

“That’s alright, it can take up to six weeks to feel a difference. We’ll keep monitoring your progress, alright?”

“Okay.”

“You have a good rest of the day, Vanitas. I will see you next week. Same time?”

He nods. “Same time.”

“Perfect. I have you down.”

Once the session is over, Vanitas winds his way out to the front of the office where he sees Sora waiting on him in his car which is a relief and a half. He does look a little irritated but Sora could be irritated with a number of things which do not involve him so he takes it with a grain of salt as he slides into the car.

“Hey,” Vanitas greets slowly.

“Hi,” Sora replies, voice sharp and annoyed.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just… Riku.”

“What happened?”

“He’s making a _budget_ on how much you “owe” us and I told him to stop because he’s being unfair and ridiculous. I only have money because Grammy left me all of that money. He’s acting so unfair and I’m sorry.” Sora pulls out of the parking lot, fingers nervously ticking on the wheel. “I’m so mad at him, I told him to sleep on the couch.”

“Sora, I want to pay you back-.”

“Yeah, that’s _fine_ but he doesn’t need to take it upon himself to come up with some ridiculous number to throw at you which would be impossible to pay back fully. I said you could pay me back for the therapy and medicine because you _could_ have insurance if you would just get a job but… He’s going too far.”

“I’ve been looking for work,” Vanitas admits quietly. “I haven’t heard back.”

“Do you have a resume?”

“No.”

“Hmm, I’m not good at them. I’ll make Riku write yours for you if he wants to come back to the bedroom tonight. That way, you can find something decent.”

“I don’t have skills,” he replies quietly, turning partially away because he’s so tired of costing his family so much pain and trouble. “The only thing I know how to do is hit button combinations on a controller.”

“You used to make videos,” Sora points out. “You can edit them.”

“So?”

“That’s a skill! I’ll make sure Riku puts that on there. You type fast, too, another skill.”

He doesn’t have high hopes of ever landing a decent job. Without work experience, a degree, and with a history of not being able to make nice with anyone, Van isn’t sure he’ll even be hired at the local convenience store.

“You’re not hopeless, Van,” Sora continues. “You’re going to make it out.”

Van is glad Sora has faith in him because he has none for himself. Once they’re home, Sora tells him he has to go to a doctor’s appointment but he’ll be home later and Riku is at work so he has the house to himself. Van isn’t sure he likes the idea of being alone in the house but he doesn’t want to bother Sora by going to his appointment either.

The house is extremely clean which is Riku’s doing because Sora is a walking tornado so he’s not sure he can improve on the living room or kitchen. His own room is such a mess he’s too afraid to even look at it with the lights on. There is, however, one section of the house Van knows needs tidying. Sora’s craft corner.

When Sora is anxious, he likes to make tactile objects so Riku set up a craft corner at the back of the house by one of the larger windows. It’s always a mess so Van makes his way back there to start tidying. He cleans up the table, wiping off old dried glue and glitter, packs up all of the beads to put in their respective containers, stacks all of the colored paper in a neat pile, straightens up balls of yarn, sitting on the floor to unravel and unknot a lot of them so they’re all neat and organized. He even cleans the window to let in more sunlight.

Once the corner is completely clean and tidy, Van dashes to the kitchen to make Sora lunch for after his appointment. He digs out some mac and cheese to dress up and make into a proper meal with chicken. Once Sora is back, Van calls him back to the kitchen and dining room.

“ _Whattt_?” Sora moans as he walks back to the kitchen, clearly tired and fussy.

“I made you lunch,” Van says, gesturing to the mac and cheese with chicken and some quickly made garlic bread.

“Oh,” Sora says. “Thanks, Vanitas.”

“I also tidied your craft corner.”

Sora frowns and slowly sits down at the table with a raised eyebrow. “ _Why_?”

“I’m… trying to be helpful-.”

“Van, you can’t stay here, you have to move out.”

Vanitas stammers because Sora’s clearly misunderstood his intention. “No, Sora, I… I talked with my therapist today about finding ways to show I appreciate you so I can become a better person. I… I wanted to show you I really _do_ appreciate what you’ve done for me over the years… I know it’s small and maybe not obvious but that’s what I was trying to do- not- not bribe you into letting me live here. I know I can’t be here much longer.”

“Oh,” Sora says as he sits down slowly at his bowl to eat. “That was nice of you Vanitas.”

“I just hate how much you’re disappointed in me right now,” Van says, reaching to pick at his face while Sora eats. “I don’t know how to fix it.”

Sora shrugs slightly. “It’ll take a while, Van. I’m really upset… I mean, I am a gay man and I love men. You… were hateful and petty and mean. A bully, Van. You’re a bully and you know how I feel about bullies.”

“Yeah, I do, which is why this hurts me so badly-.”

“Hurts _you_ ? Van, think about how it hurts _me_!” Sora shoves the bowl away and grabs some beads out of a bowl to play with and Vanitas flinches because he didn’t mean to push Sora into being upset. “You hurt me, Van. Maybe you didn’t say that stuff about me directly but those words are hateful.”

“I know and I’m sorry,” he says desperately. “I wish I could explain how sorry I am, Sora.”

“Just please respect what I want, okay?” Sora slowly sets the beads back but digs his hand in the bowl. “I know you’re working on fixing things and I like that you’re trying but I also need time to forgive you. I can’t just immediately forgive you like I would if it was something simple.”

“I understand.”

“Once you move out, I think it’ll be easier. We can have distance and I won’t feel so smothered or obligated… You need to find a job first, so, maybe you can make that your priority for right now. Instead of focusing on me or my feelings toward you.”

A job – a terrifying prospect since he doesn’t exactly have a car and his license expired a while ago. He’s not even sure he remembers how to drive.

“Okay,” he replies.

“Or maybe it’d be better to find you a place to live first,” Sora muses quietly. “I can help you find somewhere, you can pay me back for deposits, and then you can find a place to work because I know you have to walk.”

“I don’t want to owe you _more_ money, Sora,” Van argues. “I was just gonna talk to mom and dad if I can pay rent to live with them.”

Sora snorts. “They won’t want that.”

“I’m not exactly in a position to have a lot of options, okay? I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about me.”

Sora rolls his eyes. “I worry because you live here with me. I have to worry.”

“I won’t for much longer.” Van’s fingernails scrape his face until he feels the skin break and bleed which is his cue to go down to the basement. His hands nervously flip the light on in his bedroom and he flinches at the surrounding mess. Piles of trash, dirty clothes, dishes, moldy food, and old electronic parts litter the floor. The first thing he needs to do is clean or he’s never going to be able to move out of here.

The mess is so bad he can feel his anxiety peaking and bothering him but he finds trash bags stored in his room from a time he said he would clean and didn’t to start throwing everything away. Clothes, trash, anything looking remotely dirty or disgusting, Van tosses into the garbage. The job takes hours and by the time he’s half-way done he’s exhausted, anxiety-ridden, and wanting to shower for at least an hour.

However, only halfway through, so Van returns to cleaning until he has over thirty trash bags full and he can see the floor. The bed is made, salvageable clothing is in a hamper, and his desk is cleared of junk. The trash bags all need to be taken upstairs but he’s too exhausted to haul them. He does, however, take a photo of his cleaned room to send to Demyx before deciding against the idea.

Demyx hasn’t contacted him and he’s not sure he’ll ever hear from his friend again.

He slowly sinks on the bed and stares at his phone and unsent message. More than anything, he wants to talk to Demyx even if they annoy each other. He misses gaming together and wouldn’t mind doing a stream together to partially fix his image but also to have fun with Dem again.

_Vanitas: I have to move out of Sora’s house w/in 3 months_

_Vanitas: not trying to bug u_

_Vanitas: cleaned my room and sprayed that febreze crap, smells decent, and I have a floor. Wild._

He doesn’t expect Demyx to respond so he lies back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling to try and imagine his life after he leaves this house. The only image coming to his brain is him living in a box because he may not hold a job long enough to keep from being evicted. Maybe if he can make up with Demyx he could move in with him.

_Demyx: finally kicking you out huh?_

The text makes Van sit up and he clings to his phone as if the conversation is precious gold. He misses his only friend.

_Vanitas: Yeah I deserve it_

_Vanitas: Idk what to do tho_

_Demyx: get a job like the rest of the world lmao_

_Vanitas: idk where tho_

_Demyx: if your nice and actually show up to work I can get you a job at the place I work bc we need a new barista but you HAVE to show up and you HAVE to not screw up. If you screw up ONE TIME I will fire you so fast bc I am putting my neck out for u bc ur pathetic_

_Vanitas: you would do that?_

_Demyx: yeah bc I’m a nice guy but if you screw up ur out, got it?_

_Vanitas: and what would I do?_

_Demyx: whatever I want u to do :P_

_Demyx: barista, cleaning the place, whatever tasks needs done. You’ll get trained I won’t just throw you on stuff without being trained first_

_Demyx: u want the job or not Van?_

_Vanitas: …_

_Vanitas: when can I start?_

_Demyx: come by tomorrow morning @ 6_

_Vanitas: in the morning??_

_Demyx: yeah man in the morning u know the address I would assume_

_Vanitas: yeah_

_Demyx: ok good see u tomorrow morning loser_

A job.

He has a job – a _real_ job. He doesn’t know how much it pays or if he’ll be bad at it but he can at least have a goal to work toward. Maybe, if he’s good enough, he can work his way to a higher position. The excitement is so high, he jumps up to go upstairs and find Sora to tell him the good news.

Sora is sitting in the living room with Riku, watching a movie, so he doesn’t want to cause a huge interruption but he stands on the outskirts of the room, hoping he doesn’t look like a total gremlin. They’re cuddling, so clearly they made up at some point.

“Sora,” he says, rocking on the balls of his feet.

Sora looks over at him, sleepy and unimpressed with having his movie interrupted. “What, Van?”

“I got a job,” he says and he can’t fight the smile.

“You did?”

“Yeah.”

“Where?”

“Demyx is offering me a job at his place. I have to be there at six tomorrow in the morning but I’m going to have a job!”

Sora’s smile is soft and there is relief on his face. “Good, I’m glad. Now you can move out soon.”

The joy quickly crashes down around him because he almost had forgotten he has to move out, too. A barista’s salary is not going to pay for an apartment and he has no idea what else he can do for extra income. Work five jobs? Sell his body on the street? This area is expensive and not possible to live in on his own.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “Right… I’ll let you watch your movie now.”

“Okay.” Sora turns his eyes back to the movie and snuggles against Riku harder.

Vanitas avoids Riku’s gaze and returns to the basement like he’s been banished. He knows he needs to move out of Sora’s home because this was never supposed to be his home. In fact, his grandmother is probably rolling over in her grave knowing he’s living here when she had never wanted him as a grandson to start with. He’s not sure he’s really belonged anywhere because growing up his parents had never wanted him to be around either.

Part of him wants to text Sora but Sora’s busy with watching his movie so now is not a good time to interrupt. A lump in his throat forms and he slowly rolls over and bury himself under the blankets, curling up into the fetal position as tight as possible. He presses his face into the mattress and screams as loud as possible until his body is too tired to keep up any further.

For once, Vanitas feels his eyes grow heavy and he sets an alarm to wake up extremely early so he can drag himself down to Demyx’s place in the morning.

* * *

 

Five in the morning is an ungodly time to be awake and walking to work but he’s walking the five miles into town. He walks quickly and is exhausted by the time he reaches the café but Demyx is there already and he walks up to the front door to let him in when he arrives.

“Did you walk?” Demyx asks while looking him over.

“Yeah,” he pants. “I don’t have a car.”

“Oh…” Demyx shakes his head a little and lets him in. “Okay, well, let me show you around and we’ll fill out paperwork so it’s all legal.”

Van nods and lets Demyx show him around the front of the café first before they go to the back and he looks over the stockroom, break room, and finally back to Dem’s office. It’s cramped and full of files, folders, and books but there’s enough room to have them both sit down.

“Okay, so, I know you have zero work experience so I can really only start you out at like 8 an hour,” Demyx says while he grabs paperwork and a pen. “I need you to fill this stuff out for me and I’ll go over your job basics. I can get you trained start tomorrow once you start your first shift.”

“This isn’t my first shift?” Van asks in disbelief.

“You’ll still get paid,” Demyx says quickly. “For coming in.”

“Oh,” Van says slowly. “Okay.”

“So, fill that stuff out while I do some email shit this morning,” Demyx says, turning toward the computer.

Van drops his eyes down to the paperwork to start filling out, panicking a little when he realizes he has to know his social security number. He’s not even sure he has the card – his parents still have it somewhere. “Dem, I don’t know my social,” he mumbles in shame. “My parents have the card.”

“Oh,” Demyx says. “Uh, we need that so go over there today to get it because I can’t process that stuff without your social, man. You’re like twenty-six, you should probably have that somewhere in your belongings. Just saying.”

Vanitas looks down, feeling further shamed. “Sorry,” he whispers. There are a lot of things he doesn’t know and he feels stupid for not knowing a lot of the things his friends and peers do. Sora probably even has his social security card or Riku probably at least knows where it is.

“You really don’t have your social? Wow, when do you go to the doctor?”

“I don’t.”

“Dentist? Eye doctor?”

“No.”

“Jesus Christ,” Demyx whispers. “Probably have more cavities than teeth at this point.” Demyx winks but Van doesn’t find any of it funny so he just keeps filling out the paperwork to the best of his knowledge and tries not to let his anxiety make him cry.

“I don’t have health insurance,” he replies, slowly signing the first document. His signature is trash but he tries to slow down to make it legible.

“You know, they’ll penalize you for that now,” Demyx says. “At tax time. You should probably find something.”

“With what? My charms nad good looks?” Van snorts and his face burns. The acne on his face hurts today and over his shoulders and back aches, too. He has a large one formed overnight on his chin which hurts so bad he wishes he could rip off his entire face.

“Hey, you could apply for government assistance. I’m sure you make way under what they require. I can help you if I have to,” Demyx adds.

“I’m fine, okay? Sorry, I’m disgusting and have bad teeth, too, probably.” He turns away so he doesn’t have to look at Demyx while he finishes the rest of the paperwork.

“Hey, I was just teasing,” Demyx says, voice softening. “Look, I know that stuff is expensive. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get on you. What’s nice about this company is they offer insurance for full-time employees and part-time employees. The benefits aren’t as good for part-time but it’s better than nothing, okay? I can help you get that setup today, too but we need your social.”

“Right,” Van whispers. “I can go over later… it’s a long walk from here though.”

Demyx waves his hand. “I can drive you later. What’s a good time for them to be up?”

“Dad is probably on his way to work now and mom won’t be back from errands until after 9;00.”

“Cool, we’ll head over before lunch and see if we can get that information.” Demyx pats his shoulder. “Okay?”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Vanitas asks, voice afraid and soft.

“Because we’re technically friends,” Demyx points out. “Look, I’m sorry we had a fight and I know you’re sorry about how you acted. I’m willing to forgive, not forget, but I can forgive you.”

“Thanks,” Van whispers. “Can we hang out sometime again?”

“Heck yeah, man. I miss doing streams with you.”

“Yeah, I miss that, too. We should do a stream soon.”

“Sure! Oh, we could try that new RPG Kingdom Hearts,” Demyx says with a big grin. “Did you get it yet?”

“Not yet,” Van replies. “How much is it?”

“It’s free to download but then you gotta buy it after level 20 but we can play tonight if you want. I’m off here at 6:00, so if you want to meet up we can stream tonight around 8:00?”

“Yeah,” Vanitas replies and feels happiness flood his core. Streaming and maybe he can repair some of his image. “Sure.”

“Sick, man.” Demyx offers his fist for a fist bump and Van grins while returning the gestures. “Okay, so, we can’t finish this paperwork until we get your social security number. Sooo, let’s move on and let me find you a shirt to wear to work and then I’ll have you watch some training videos. They suck but you have to watch them, so, may as well do them now while we kill time before we drive to your parents’ house.”

Van nods, following Demyx back to find a t-shirt and then he’s stuffed into a small room with a computer to watch training videos. Demyx is right – they are horribly boring and more than once he pulls out his phone to scroll through Saïx’s twitter. His heart melts when he sees a photo of Saïx with absolutely no makeup on, his hair half tied back, no eyebrows, and fresh-faced.

He’s breath-taking.

Sure, with make up Saïx is gorgeous but without makeup he’s completely stunning.

_@ SAÏX: Good morning my little Moonbeams : ) I’m up way too early bc I have to catch a flight to New York and then catch ANOTHER flight to London. I’m excited to go to London to meet up w/@Axxxel for a photo shoot for @TattooedBabesUK. See you guys  on the flip side_

Saïx is going to London and Vanitas has no idea why he misses someone he doesn’t even know but he does. He studies Saïx’s face and green eyes and realizes his lips look soft and pliant. Kissable.

_Stop, you’re not gay what the fuck._

Rolling his eyes, Van shoves his phone away to focus on the training video even though his mind won’t stop picturing Saïx’s pretty face. He has freckles on his nose and over his cheeks. _Freckles_. No one should be so pretty.

“Hey, you ready for a break?” Demyx asks as he pokes his head in. “You eat this morning?”

“No.”

“Cool, let’s get some food.” Demyx gestures for him to follow so Vanitas stands to stretch, following Demyx back to the office where he has some breakfast sandwiches waiting on them. “How are the videos?”

“Boring….” Vanitas snorts. “Can I, um, ask you something?”

“Shoot,” Dem replies, offering Van the sausage and cheese sandwich while he works on the bacon one.

“How did you know… you were gay…?” he asks slowly, picking the bread of the croissant.

“How did I know?” Demyx asks. “Uh, well, when I was in college I made out with a few guys and didn’t really think about it? You know? I kept telling myself I was into chicks and then, uh, I met Ienzo a few months ago…. And… God, it was like being hit by a _truck_.”

“Ienzo?”

“My boyfriend.” Demyx smiles dreamily at his sandwich. “He’s _great_ . Been dating him for about a month now. He’s really great and sweet and… God, I saw him and I just _knew_ , man. Been denying myself for way too long. Why? You, uh, questioning yourself or something?”

Van turns bright red and reaches to pull at his lips. “I dunno, maybe.”

“I kinda pegged you for gay,” Demyx says. “You were so nasty about it, I sorta figured it was the self hatred kicking in. Who made you have a gay panic?”

Vanitas blushes and peels skin off his lips in paranoia. “Saïx,” he mumbles.

Demyx pauses and then bursts into fits of laughter so hard he almost chokes on his sandwich. “Saïx? The guy you started shit with? Oh my God, that’s _hilarious_ . I mean, he is really hot, so, I don’t blame you. He is _so_ out of your league though.”

Yeah, he is definitely not even close to Saïx’s league. Saïx deserves someone just as sexy as him and Vanitas has seen potatoes cuter than him. “Yeah, I know,” he whispers. “But he’s… really… _gorgeous_.”

Demyx smiles a little. “Look, I know coming out is really scary, okay? Especially when you learn to hate that part of yourself but look at your friends, Van. I’m gay, Sora is gay, Riku is gay, you are _not_ the token straight. You’re fucking gay.”

Van covers his face as he turns red enough to feel the heat off of his skin. “I feel so crappy, Demyx,” he whispers. “I said all that shit and I hurt so many people and I’m… _I’m_ a fag.”

“Look, first of all, if you still use that word in a derogatory way, I would just stop using it. It’s one thing to reclaim it, I know I use it to describe myself but that’s just me personally… Secondly, it’s okay if you’re gay, Van. I know it’s scary, I know it’s a lot to deal with because it’s not something you’ve dealt with before… _but_ you’ve got time to figure yourself out, man.”

“I feel like I’m not even allowed to _be_ … g… gay because of what I said. How I acted. I feel like a giant sham.” Van slumps in his seat, breakfast sandwich still mostly untouched, fingers digging at his face until Demyx reaches over to pull his hands down.

“Stop that,” Dem says firmly. “Van, you’ve got a lot of issues but you can still be gay even if you spread nasty stuff. You realize now that how you acted was bad. Just… think of coming out like a fresh start.”

“I’m scared.”

“That’s fair. I was scared, too. It’ll be okay. Maybe when we stream… you can… casually mention it or something,” Demyx says. “Or you don’t have to yet, just a thought. You could make a stream and video yourself talking about it. How you realized you were gay and-.”

“I don’t want Saïx to know I have a crush on him,” Alarm settles over Van’s body thinking about Saïx finding out. How awful and humiliating. Saïx would probably get together with his friends and laugh for days over a greasy, crater faced bigot having a crush on him.

“You don’t have to say it was Saïx who made you realize. Just make it up… I’m just giving you an option. You don’t even _have_ to tell your followers until you’re ready, man. This is your story and your journey which sounds real stupid and cheesy. Someone please shut me up.” Demyx rolls his eyes. “You not gonna eat?”

“Stomach’s in knots.”

“I’ll stick it in the fridge for you… Okay, go finish the videos and we can go over to your parents’ house.”

Van nods and heads back to the room to finish up the training videos. He wants to check on Saïx’s Twitter again but he hasn’t posted since the photo but if he’s on a plane he may not post again until he’s landed in London probably later tonight. Instead, Van goes back to Twitter to revamp his layout and unfollow basically anyone he’d been following before to start fresh. He only keeps following Saïx, Demyx, and he even follows Axel.

Roxas has him blocked but he spends the next forty-five minutes blocking a lot of the crappy Twitters he followed before and finds new Twitters to follow instead. He doesn’t change his username since he’s been voidXgear for so long he doesn’t want to completely change his brand. This, however, is a fresh start. He pins a picture of himself and Sora to his profile with a quick introduction to himself. The new Vanitas.

_Vanitas | 26 | he/him | gamer | loser | yeah I’m ugly | the dude in the photo w/me is my brother Sora he’s gr8 u should follow him @/SunshineSora_

When it rolls around for lunchtime, Demyx comes to collect him and they set out on their way to his parent’s house. His parents live in a nice neighborhood with a large house because his dad is a CEO of a technical company. His mom’s car is in the driveway so at least he knows she’s home.

“Want me to go in, too?”

“No,” he says quickly. “I’ll go in. I don’t know how long it’ll take.”

“Eh, it’s cool. We got time.” Demyx waves him off and Van takes a breath to face the music.

The garage is closest to the back door so Van approaches slowly, feeling his hands shake, and his body starts to sweat in fear. He hasn’t really spoken to his parents much since he left their house at eighteen. They came to the hospital but hadn’t said much to him at all and he’s not even sure if they wanted him to be released. He rings the bell and stuffs his hands into his pockets so he doesn’t pick his face in front of her because she hates it.

His mother comes to the door, opening it and looking surprised to see him. “Vanitas.”

“Uh, hi,” he says, ducking his head down. “I needed to get my social security card.”

“Vanitas, stop mumbling, you know I hate when you mumble,” she says, still not moving aside to let him in.

He clears his throat and raises his eyes up to where she stands a few steps above him. “I said, I need my social security card. I have a job but I don’t know the number and I know you should probably have it because I don’t…”

She rolls her eyes which is a stab in the chest. “You have a job? Where?”

“Um, at _Café Oblivion_ … I’m going to be their new barista and I need my social to fill out the paperwork. Please.” His hands clench tight in his pockets so he can keep his fingers off of his face but it’s difficult.

“Still staying with your brother? Taking his money?”

“I don’t _take_ Sora’s money,” Vanitas growls.

“You live off of his money, Vanitas. Mooching and now you have a _barista_ job? How much do you think you’ll really make doing something like that?” She rolls her eyes and walks away but leaves the door open for him to follow. “Your social security card is somewhere in my files.”

“I can wait,” he says while slowly stepping into the house. He hasn’t been inside the house in eight years but nothing has changed. Everything is clean, tidy, and there are plenty of photos on every wall and table. All of them are photos of Sora, his cousins, aunts, uncles, his grandmother, parents. There are no photos of him and it’s as if his parents only have one son.

Growing up, he’d lived in the basement of his parent’s house, too, and he’d always been afraid to come into the main house without upsetting his parents. Living in Sora’s house, he’d never felt completely welcomed there either. He spent most of his time in the basement and tried not to invade the main part of the house. Even now, standing in his parents’ house, he tries to stay near the back door while his mother goes to check for his files.

By the time she comes back, he’s picking his face and she smacks his hands hard enough to hurt. “Vanitas, you know I hate that, stop.”

“Sorry,” he mumbles, rubbing his wrist.

“Here,” she says, handing out the small card. “Don’t lose it.”

“I won’t.”

“Good. Is that all?”

He licks his lips and looks down in uncertainty. “Sora wants me to move out in three months and I know I won’t be able to afford a place to live on my own but I was wondering if I could pay rent to live here again…”

To ask his mother to move back in is embarrassing and makes him feel two inches tall but he’s hoping if he offers to pay rent they’ll at least consider it.

She snorts but doesn’t immediately shut him down. “How much are you able to pay?”

“I only make 8.00 and hour so…  I’m not sure,” he admits quietly. “A couple hundred a month, maybe?”

“Live off of our food, our electricity, and our water and only pay a few hundred a month?”

“I’ll pay more if I can,” he says quickly.

She pauses and seems to consider it. “I’ll talk to your father about it,” she says.

“Okay… Thanks,” he whispers. “I’ll go now. Sorry to ruin your morning.” _And your entire life_. He turns to go and is surprised when she takes his elbow.

“Vanitas,” she says, voice softer which he’s only ever heard her use on Sora.

“What?” he asks, eyes down not looking back at her.

There is another pause where he can tell she’s having some internal war with herself. “I know we don’t always get along or see eye to eye… but… I want you to know that when Riku called us to tell us you were… in the hospital… I was very afraid.”

He pulls out of her grip and heads toward the backdoor. “No you weren’t,” he replies coldly. “You wanted me to die, probably planning my funeral on the way to the hospital.”

“Vanitas-.”

Tears eat his stomach into knots but he storms out of the house and back to Demyx’s car. He’s surprised to see her standing in the doorway but he snaps at Demyx to go because he doesn’t want her to try to talk to him again. Demyx looks confused but he backs up before she can approach the car.

“You okay?” Dem asks once they’re back on the road.

“Peachy.”

“You got the card?”

“Yep.”

“Cool… You hungry yet?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Demyx turns the radio on for the ride back and Vanitas leans his head against the window fighting back tears the rest of the way.

 

* * *

 

“What’s up, kiddos, I’ve got my dude voidXgear on here with me which I know a lot of you are gonna be like, why are you still friends with this dude but I’m here to say he has turned a new leaf and we’ve made up so take that with a grain of salt,” Demyx says over the headset to the stream.

Nerves bundle in Vanitas’ stomach while the chat quickly floods with messages. He has his camera on and so does Demyx and he does his best not to start looking or acting emotional while they start up the new game.

_-dude no_

_-he’s so gross_

_-lolol Vanitas Shower Challenge_

_-yes omg pls take a shower dude ur so nasty_

_-ur channel sucks!_

_-if I had skin like that I’d kms_

_-virgin alert no way anyone’s taken one for the team_

_-I’ll take one for the team if u pay me enough lmfao_

_-lol_

_-someone pls just take this dude oUT he’s gross_

_-like on a date? Nah_

_-no like a hit_

_-LOL_

The messages continue while Van makes his character and Demyx tries to defuse the situation but no one listens. He should have known better than to actually stream or show his face again. The more messages come in, he finds himself frozen and unable to play or do anything but read them. They all sink and destroy any last bit of self-esteem he ever could have had.

- _take a shower u nasty_

_-I think he’s allergic to soap_

_-why are str8 men like this? Why do they think they can do bare minimum or nothing and still get some omg_

_-get wreckt Vanitas_

_-I think if his skin became any more oily his skin would slide off_

_-his acne is so NASTY GOD dude wash your FACE_

_-who would want to look @ that every day? Lol_

“Guys, c’mon, quit or I’m gonna end the stream,” Demyx says but it’s too late. The messages won’t stop and Vanitas can feel the digs hurting and his patience wearing out. “Guys, seriously-.”

“I have a _skin condition_ ,” he says, too loud, and his voice breaks before he ends his part of the stream so he doesn’t have to cry in front of everyone. It’s stupid – he’s stupid.

The tears turn to anger and he storms to the bathroom to scrub his face hard enough to turn the skin red and raw, his acne and skin breaking in places until it bleeds. He turns the water on the shower all the way to hot and strips to stand under the scalding water and accepts the pain as it burns and hurts but in the shower he can cry and sob and no one can hear him.

He doesn’t leave the shower until the water is cold and he slowly walks out, resolved and tired, slowly sliding into the bed. Demyx texted him a bunch of times but what draws his gaze is an email from an email address he doesn’t know.

_Vanitas,_

_This is Saïx (Isa) and I was watching your live stream @ the airport because my flight was delayed… anyway, I wanted to reach out and offer you my advice. I know a lot about skincare and hair care and beauty products. Not to be a total creeper but from your pictures you’ve posted, I can see you have oily skin and oily hair which is probably what is causing your acne. Now, a good skin care routine may not fix everything but I think I can help you reduce some of it! I’m going to be in London for a few days but I’ll be back on Thursday. If you want, we could meet up in person? If you can that is and want to, and I can take you to Sephora and show you around. I know stuff is expensive, I’m happy to pay for anything I recommend._

_No one should be made fun of for how they look. I hope to hear from you._

_Regards,_

_Isa_

_P.S. – I got your email from your Twitter before you took it down. I planned on emailing you about the video stuff which I should have but then the hospital stuff happened. Anyway, didn’t want you to be like ??? about me having this email_

The email is so nice and out of the blue, Van feels even worse for treating Saïx like trash in his YouTube video. He manages to type up a quick reply but it’s not nearly as articulate as Saïx’s email.

_Hi – That would be nice… I appreciate you doing that. What time on Thursday?_

The texts from Demyx are still coming in so he finally opens his messages to read it over and calm Demyx down before he has a panic attack.

_-Fuck are u ok??_

_-I’m sorry I should have just stopped it or turned chat off_

_-I banned a bunch of people from my channel_

_-Van pls answer me_

_-I will 100% call Sora if you don’t reply pls_

_-Also don’t listen to them it’s not our fault! You can’t help how you look man_

_-Look idc if u leave me on read, I just want to make sure you’re alright_

Vanitas sends back a thumbs up emoji because he doesn’t have energy to discuss what happened but at least Demyx can know he read and replied to the messages.

- _Ty I’ll keep texting u later ok u don’t have to reply_

_-ok_

Saïx’s email comes in a while later, still professional and formal.

_Vanitas,_

_I’m glad you want to meet up! I can meet up any time on Thursday. Does 1:00pm work?_

_-Isa_

Vanitas uses one of the pre-populated responses in gmail to let Saïx know he’s okay with meeting up and he slowly curls up under the covers to sleep in the fetal position. Living with his parents is a horrifying thought but at least it’s better than being homeless. The issue will come to how he’s going to get to work. He’ll probably have to beg his dad for rides to work and find a way home.

He decides one final desperate plea with Sora – maybe if he pays Sora rent, he can stya here instead.

_Vanitas: Sora, if I pay rent to live here can I stay?_

_Sora: No, I don’t want that. I want distance rn_

_Vanitas: Ok_

He dug his own grave but it still hurts to know he can’t convince Sora to let him stay even with monetary compensation. Living with his parents is going to take a huge toll but it’s not forever.

At least, that’s what will help him sleep at night. Nothing is forever – not even bad storms.


	3. Chapter 3

Thursday.

The day arrives and Demyx let him have the day off. They’d ironed out more details and he’s waiting outside of the Sephora in the mall for Saïx. His stomachs is in knots and he did his best to find his cleanest clothes and brush his hair. Isa shows up and for a moment, Van doesn’t even recognize him because he’s somehow even more beautiful in person.

Dressed all in black – black leggings, tall black boots, and a black long sleeved shirt – and his black and grey hair tied up in a high ponytail. Makeup flawless and he walks with such confidence he makes people stare.

“Vanitas?” he asks and Van has to look  _ up _ at him. He didn’t realize Saïx was so tall.

“Uh, yeah, hi.” Van ducks his head and hopes he doesn’t make Saïx feel sick because he’s too gross to look at too long. “You’re… tall.”

Saïx snorts and nods. “Yeah, I am. You ready to shop?”

He nods a little, even as his face burns with humiliation. They walk into Sephora and Van is amazed by the amount of products on every shelf and row. Saïx doesn’t hesitate, walking back to where they need to go with purpose. Several girls standing inside the store all gasp and whisper to themselves when they recognize him but Saïx’s attention is on him.

“Okay, so, I do definitely recommend you see a dermatologist,” Saïx says. “Because you have a lot of cystic acne and you may have a medical condition that needs addressed. No matter how much skincare I shove into your face and say use x,y,z it won’t matter if you do need something treated. However, your skin is very oily and so is your hair so it’s probably making your skin worse. Question, and I don’t mean this in an insulting way, but how often do you shower?”

Van blushes and crosses his arms over his chest. Maybe Saïx thinks he doesn’t shower, too. “Like four times a day.”

Saïx’s perfect eyebrows immediately shoot up. “Four times? Oh my God- okay, well, definitely  _ stop _ doing that. You’re over-showering and making it worse. I know that probably sounds backward but I would recommend you shower daily, just once, and you only wash your hair like three times a week. Again, I know that sounds backward but  _ trust me _ , you will see a serious difference if you stop over-showering.”

Shower once a day and only wash his hair three times a week? Vanitas blinks a few times while he tries to process this information. “Three… only three times a week?”

“Yeah because by washing your hair too much, you’re actually freaking it out and making it produce  _ more _ oil. You can use dry shampoo between washings to help keep it clean and you can still shower your body every day but trust me, three times a week will help  _ so _ much.”

“That’s… going to be an adjustment,” he admits quietly. “Being told I’m gross so much…” He hears the words coming out and quickly shuts up so he doesn’t accidentally sound like he’s searching for Saïx’s sympathy after what he did.

Saïx’s face shifts and he looks sad. “I understand,” he says quietly. “Believe me, I get it more than you realize. I’m sorry people just assume stuff about you and I get over-showering is probably an anxiety response. But you’re not dirty, Vanitas- do you go by Van? You can call me Isa, by the way.”

“I go by Van,” he says quietly.

“Okay…. Listen, you’re not dirty just because you have acne and oily hair. That doesn’t make you dirty… You shower so much, you’re probably cleaner than everyone in here.”   

“It’s hard for me to believe but I’ll try I guess.” Van keeps his distance from Saïx to make sure he doesn’t invade his space.

“Okay, more questions. Is your skin oily only or do you have dry patches?”

“Just… greasy nastiness,” he mumbles.

Saïx gives him a look but he turns to grab a bottle of something. “Okay, this product is by Neutrogena and is  _ great _ for oily skin. It also works on acne which is a double bonus. Now, to go with that, I would suggest a super lightweight moisturizer. Nothing too heavy because it could just make you oilier. I would suggest cleansing both in the morning and at night and after you do that, put the moisturizer on. You only need a little bit.”

Van nods and suddenly wishes he was taking notes. “Should have brought something to write with,” he snorts.

“It’s okay, I’ll send you an email with instructions. Now, I’m not saying I’m  _ God _ and you should follow everything I say but it’s a starting point. Now, if you go see a dermatologist and they give you medicated stuff, then definitely follow what they tell you, okay?” Saïx hands over the cleanser and the moisturizer after he scans over the products.

“Okay,” he replies, heart hammering in his chest. Saïx steps closer to reach for something and Van can feel an urge to pass out. He smells  _ so _ good and he’s literally the most stunning person Van has ever met.

“I wouldn’t suggest getting like hardcore into night creams and day creams and neck creams and all of the other stuff they’ll sell you until you can get a routine down first. That’s literally the most important thing is to just make it your routine. I usually cleanse in the shower at night and when I wake up.” Saïx turns to face him and smiles which is a shot to the belt. No one should be so gorgeous.

“You have a nice smile,” he says quickly, blushing and clutching the products to his chest like a weapon.

“Thank you.” Saïx’s smile widens and softens which is a crime in Van’s opinion. “Let’s get this stuff and maybe we can have lunch?”

“I don’t have-.”

“On me.”

He coughs and nods, letting Saïx walk him to the register. He ignores the total because he’s too afraid of finding out how much it costs. Instead, he studies Saïx’s mannerisms and how he moves so fluidly. His long nails are pointed and the tips fade to black. People fawn over him as if he’s the most perfect person in the room and the girls from earlier slowly approach to ask him for a photo which Van obliges in taking. He hopes they don’t recognize him, too, because he’s not sure if it would be good for Saïx to be seen with him.

Once he’s able to extract himself, Saïx leads him out of Sephora to the elevator. “Sorry,” he says while pressing the button. “Did you drive here?”

“Uh, no, I don’t have a car,” he admits quietly. “I had my friend drop me off.”

“Okay, I can drive us. I’m fucking  _ craving _ this tapas place downtown. It’s so  _ good _ . Have you ever had tapas before?” Saïx asks and Van has to try to make his brain catch up to the question because he’s been staring at Saïx’s mouth form words.

“Why are you being so friendly?” he asks slowly. “I mean, I was awful to you and you’re acting like we’re best friends.”

Saïx snorts. “Trust me, I’m not acting like we’re best friends. If we were best friends, I’d be dragging you all the time in public for the hell of it. It’s what I do with Axel all of the time. Oh my  _ God _ , can this elevator be any slower? I am starving.”

“I’m just saying, you’re really nice,” Van mutters, eyes looking down.

“I try to be nice and I just, again, want to say I’m sorry for causing so many issues. How are you feeling… by the way- if I can ask that.” The elevator finally arrives and Saïx dashes in and drags him with so he can smack the parking garage button.

He shrugs. “I have a job now.”

“Yeah? That’s good.”

“My brother is throwing me out soon… I have to move back in with my parents.”

“Oh.” Saïx glances down at him and looks unsure. “Is that a bad thing or good thing?”

Van snorts. “Bad.”

“Does he  _ know _ that’s a bad thing-.”

“I don’t want him to,” he says sharply. “I want him to know my parents as warm and fuzzy and that’s it. It’s not that bad, I can make it.”

The elevator opens and Vanitas hurries out so he doesn’t have to keep up this conversation while he follows Saïx to his car. He drives a black Lexus which is extremely nice on the outside and the inside is even better. Van immediately has vehicle envy considering he doesn’t even own a car.

“Wow, it’s nice,” he says, slowly sitting in the passenger’s seat while Saïx hops into the driver’s seat.

“Thanks.” Saïx adjusts his mirror and checks his makeup quietly while he smooths his hair, his fingers skittering over his scalp which is odd. “Sorry, habit. I’m fine.”

“Okay…” Vanitas frowns in uncertainty but they’re pulling out of the parking garage soon after. Van places his hands in his lap and feels extremely unsure of what to say or do now. What kinds of conversations does one have with their once enemy now turned into almost a guardian angel?

“So, you’re trying to rebrand yourself, right?” Saïx asks which Van is glad he’s starting the conversation for him.

“Yeah, I am.”

“What you need is a PR person… They help fix your image and really do some damage control. I can recommend you some people who will take you on for free at least for a little while. They won’t take your money until you start making money, trust me, they’re great.” Saïx stops at a light and looks at him and Van can tell he’s earnest which is even more confusing. “I really think you can turn this around.”

“I’m trying small first… with my brother. Trying to make up with him but he’s so… he’s very particular on how he wants to hear things and has asked me to step back and respect his wishes.” Van shrugs, fiddling with the edge of his sweater.

“Your brother, Sora, is autistic, right?”

“Yeah.”

Saïx nods. “He seems like he really cares about you and like you really care about him. You have a lot of photos of him on your Instagram.”

“Sora’s my favorite person,” Van admits. “I’m not his favorite person. He tolerates me.”

“Tolerates you?”

Van nods. “He likes me, I guess but I’m not… I’m sure he would love for me to be a different brother. A better brother. Sorry, I should shut up and stop being so heavy.”

“I mean, I’m listening and I can’t judge you, not really. Sometimes, it’s easier to…  _ talk _ when it’s someone you don’t really know.” Saïx pulls onto the highway and they start heading into the city and Van turns his eyes to watch other cars go around them on the highway.

“I just have never been a good brother,” Van replies with a shrug. “I used to be so mad at Sora all the time growing up because he got all of the attention from my parents. They were so focused on him, making sure he had everything he needed, doctor’s appointments, and specialists, and therapists, and behaviorists… They spent all of their money and time on him, I resented him.”

“I mean, that’s fair, I guess. You were a kid.”

“It wasn’t his fault… He didn’t  _ ask _ for my parents to just… ignore me. I never should have taken out anger on him when we were younger but I did. I tried to get better as I got older because when we were younger he looked up to me. I was his role model and I used to… I would call him names and make him feel bad but I learned my lesson. Then he heard me call him retarded once when I was like sixteen? He’s got an elephant’s memory, I swear- and it wasn’t directly to  _ him _ . He heard me say it out loud on the phone or something… I didn’t mean it but he thought I did.”

Van pauses to keep from crying and he reaches up to start picking his face because it gives his hands something to do. “He thought I meant that for  _ ten years _ . I found out recently he overheard that conversation – one I didn’t even remember myself. But he thought I meant it… I didn’t. I would never  _ ever _ say that to him. I may say a lot of mean shit but never  _ that _ .”

“And now you think he doesn’t care about you?” Saïx asks. “He was pretty upset when you were taken to the ER.”

“I mean he  _ cares _ but it’s like obligatory,” Van replies. “He tolerates me. He doesn’t….” He cuts off because saying  _ he doesn’t love me _ is one of the hardest things he’s ever realized.

Growing up, Van knew his grandmother didn’t love him and his parents didn’t either. He didn’t have  _ I love you!  _ notes from his mother or father in his lunch, he didn’t get hugs from his parents or at family reunions, he didn’t receive good night kisses or hugs, he didn’t have positive family interactions. The only positive force in his life had been Sora for the longest time but looking back, Van knows Sora doesn’t love him either. Sora tolerates his existence and is much happier to throw him away and cut him off because it’s finally time.

“He doesn’t what?” Saïx asks and Van realizes they’re parking in front of a restaurant.

“Nothing,” He whispers. “Forget I said anything.”

“Look, I don’t know you very well and I don’t know your family but I can tell you that if you think your brother doesn’t love you, if that’s where you were headed, I can assure you that you’re  _ wrong _ .” Saïx touches his arm which makes him look up in surprise at the contact. “Sora was very upset that night… and maybe he gets upset a lot with dramatic events but I can tell you that he was so upset his boyfriend had to speak for him. He loves you. Maybe he’s asking you to leave his house but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”

Van glances at Saïx’s hand and sees he has small symbol designs on his fingers near his nails and he’s not sure if they’re tattoos or part of the makeup. They’re small and intricate, something that would take a steady hand. “You don’t know me,” he agrees. “And you don’t know Sora or our relationship or how awful I was growing up. I was a bad, awful, cruel brother. I made him cry, I made him wet his pants, I made him scream, hide, run away. I wasn’t good. I’m not good now. He doesn’t love me and I don’t ever expect him to love me. I love him and I hope he knows I love him despite all of the crap I’ve said and done. I’m not stupid, though. My entire family hates me. I’m used to it.”

“Vanitas-.”

“It’s okay.” Van slides out of the car so he can end the conversation because he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. He doesn’t need to be reminded of how much Sora must despise him. He can’t blame him and he despises himself, too.

Saïx takes a moment before he climbs out of his car and he looks extremely torn. “I think this is a conversation you should have with him,” he says finally. “That’s all I’ll say about it.”

Vanitas nods and follows Isa inside the restaurant. It’s not super fancy but he has no idea what to order so he just tells Isa to order him the same thing and he’ll just pick and choose out of whatever comes out. He feels stupid because he eats a lot of lunch meat, garbage fast food, and snacks. He only cooks for Sora when Sora asks and he never wants to be in the main kitchen for too long so he’s not disturbing their lives. When he moves back in with his parents, it’ll be the same: lunch meat, cheeses, and snacks.

“I love this place,” Isa says once they’re seated and ordered. “They have some of the best tapas in town.”

“I’ve never been,” Van replies with a shrug.

“Yeah,” Isa chuckles. “I go that.”

“Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Isa says quickly. “So, Vanitas, what do you like to do with your free time? When you’re not gaming?”

Van shrugs. “I game… uh… I read magazines about games… I, uh, sit in my room.”

“That’s it?” Isa asks. “You’ve gotta do more than that.”

Part of him wants to make up some glamorous life for Isa to suckle on like a bee to honey but he’s not sure he can make up anything which would sound believable but also fabulous. Isa lives the amazing, glamorous life; he lives in the basement of his brother’s house and wishes he had friends.

“That’s it,” he replies finally, knowing he sounds horribly boring and pathetic. He looks down and picks idly at his shirt so he can keep from picking at his face in public. He tries not to pick his face in restaurants; people usually don’t appreciate seeing him bleed on the table.

“Oh,” Isa replies and Van can see the conversation coming to a deadly halt but Isa doesn’t stop, he just keeps going. “That’s okay. Nothing wrong with being a bit of a homebody. I actually wish I was home  _ more _ . Traveling is so tiring when you’re constantly doing it non-stop and it’s not even for a fun reason. Doing it for work isn’t as glamorous as I make it seem.”

“But you get to go to so many places,” Vanitas says. “Definitely jealous.”

Isa shrugs. “I travel a lone mostly, it’s not as fun when I’m by myself.”

“Don’t you take your dog?”

He nods. “Sometimes. She has a lot of anxiety so I don’t usually take her on planes but if it’s a roadtrip, I will definitely take her.”

“Who watches her when you’re not at home?”

“I have a friend who watches her, she jokes Jelly is basically her dog.” Isa snorts and rolls his eyes a little. “Sometimes, I think I’m being selfish by having a dog when I’m not even home most of the time but she seems happy.”

Van nods. “As long as you love and take care of her.”

“I do,” he says firmly. “I love her so much.”

When their food arrives, Van is surprised by the tiny portions but doesn’t say anything. There is a lot to pick from so he takes Isa’s suggestion and picks up what he thinks might be potatoes. Everything is a bit spicy and makes his mouth burn because he’s not used to the spice but he’s not opposed to the food. Better than cold Oscar Meyer.

“Do you like it?” Isa asks when they’re half-way through their lunch.

He nods. “Spicy.”

“You don’t like spicy?”

“I’m not used to it,” he admits with a shrug. “I don’t get to go out to eat a lot.”

“That’s okay, as long as you don’t hate it when we leave,” Isa replies and his smile is softer and brighter than the sun. Van can feel his heart sink and break. He’s so beautiful.

“I don’t think I’ll hate it,” he replies quietly.

“Good. Good. You know, you’re not so bad one on one.”

He blushes red and ducks his head. “Thanks.”

“Way less scary.”

“You think I’m scary?”

“Do I think a guy making a nasty video about me and spewing gross rhetoric online is scary?” Isa asks and Van feels his heart sink but not in a good way. He keeps his eyes downcast and he pulls his hands into his lap so he can keep from picking. “Yeah, man, I thought you were scary.”

“I know I’m garbage,” Vanitas whispers.

“Hey,” Isa says and his voice is sharp. “I wasn’t trying to tear you down. I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re that bad, I think you’re probably pretty shy and scared. You’re not that bad of a guy. You’re really trying to be better and I think that’s good.”

“I don’t really hate gay people,” he says quietly. “I don’t really hate anyone except myself and, you know, bad people.”

Isa nods. “Well, I’m glad to hear that… especially considering your brother.”

“Yeah,” Vanitas says and sighs. “I wish he would believe me when I say I was stupid and didn’t mean it. I get why he doesn’t but it just really sucks. My own fault, I know.”

“Just keep talking to him,” Isa replies. “Show him respect and show him how much you care about him.”

“I’m trying, trust me.” He rubs his eyes to keep some tears at bay. He doesn’t feel like crying in front of Isa or in public.

“We can talk about something else if you want,” Isa says. “I love talking about my stupid dogs. I’ve got three.”

“Right, I’ve seen the twins,” Van says when he remembers seeing pictures of two husky looking dogs but much smaller.

“Fish and Chips,” Isa laughs. “They’re good boys.” He pulls out his phone and leans across the table to show him the separate Instagram profile. “Jelly’s camera shy but the boys  _ love _ to be hams. They have more followers than me and when they surpassed me, I made an emotional SnapChat video because I was so proud.”

Vanitas snorts but he can’t help but smile at the profile of the ridiculously cute dogs. The first picture is both of them sitting on Isa’s couch, looking happily into the camera, sitting pretty, and perfect. “What kind of dogs are they?” Van asks.

“Hm? Oh, they’re pomskies! Pomeranian huskies. They’re both full grown and four years old. They’re my babies. I love them  _ so _ much.”

“Wow, they do have a lot of followers,” Van says. “They’re cute.”

“Yeah, they love the camera. I have them promote products with me and it’s just a good time. They also like to travel so they basically go with me everywhere,” Isa says. “Jelly’s the one sensitive to travel.”

“Do they have diamond collars?” Van asks, squinting at the pictures.

“Oh, just for this photoshoot I was doing,” Isa laughs. “I swear, I’m not that bougie and crazy. I mean, I am bougie but my dogs have regular collars.”

“Do your dogs get manicures, too?” Van asks, eyes on Isa’s nails. He’s half joking but he’s also seen weirder things on the internet.

Isa laughs and shakes his head. “No, no. I don’t torture them like some insane people do and I don’t give them wild haircuts or dye their fur. I do feed them obnoxiously expensive food, though. Gotta feed my babies better than I feed myself.”

“Where did you get them?” Vanitas asks.

“Oh, I got them from a rescue, can you believe?” Isa asks. “I remember researching them for a while and I found a pomsky rescue in Nevada so I drove over and picked these two up. They weren’t even a year old when I got them. Fell in love  _ immediately _ when I saw them in person. Such good boys.”

“Fish and Chips?”

“Yep.” Isa smiles and Van can feel his world shake. Isa’s smile is so stunning.

“Did you name them?”

“No, they came with those names and I’m partial to dogs with food names so I just kept them,” Isa replies.

“Cute.”

“Yeah, they are.” Isa smiles at his phone dreamily which Van thinks is even better than the smile he gives to the world. This is a private smile, one only for his sweet dogs, and how much he loves them. “Do you have pets?”

“Me? Oh, no. My parents don’t like animals so we never had any growing up.”

“That sucks,” Isa says while pouting. “What about now? Your brother seems like a big animal lover to me.”

Van smiles. “Yeah, Sora loves the animal kingdom.”

“Do you have pets at his house?”

“No. I think Sora really wants a dog but Riku thinks if he’s going to have a dog he should have a therapy dog but Sora’s not sure he wants to go through all of that. I think Riku tries to take too much control of Sora’s life and needs to learn how to step back.” Van rubs his nose and is surprised at himself for admitting something so serious.

He likes Riku and he knows Sora is in love with him but he also thinks Riku has a lot of learning to do. In his opinion, Riku views Sora’s autism as something needing to be fixed and cured. He knows Riku means well but Van also knows how Sora feels about himself. Sora embraces his autism and has never felt it  holds him back. There is nothing to fix in Sora’s opinion and Vanitas agrees.

“I think he deserves a dog,” Isa replies with a smile. “He reminds me of rays of sunshine and I don’t even know him too well and all people that happy deserve a dog.”

Van smiles softly. “Maybe they’ll get one when I move out.”

“When you get your own place you can get a dog for yourself,” Isa says confidently.

Van snorts. Isa clearly lives in fantasy land where people can just afford to live on their own in this area on a meager hourly wage. “Sure.”

“You said you have a job now, that’s good-.”

“I won’t have money to save before you start asking me,” Vanitas replies. “I have to pay my parents rent, if they even let me live with them, and it’s not as if I’m going to be making a lot on 8 bucks an hour.”

“Never say never, which I know sounds stupid and cheesy but seriously, don’t ever say never,” Isa says firmly. “Do you think I’d be sitting on piles of money if I’d said I wouldn’t ever make it in what I’m doing? I’m aware of my privilege, okay, like I’m fully aware of my privilege but I also know where I came from. I wasn’t always rich and well off. I came from nothing… You want to be a famous YouTube gamer? Fine, but you have to stop telling yourself you won’t ever become that.”

“I’m a pessimist,” Vanitas replies.

Isa hums. “We’ll have to change that.”

Van rolls his eyes but he’s also touched by Isa’s kind insistence. “You can try.”

“All I ask.” Isa winks and he pulls out a black credit card to pay the bill. Van thinks to his own bank card and how his bank account has exactly 3.12 in it currently because he hasn’t been paid yet. He’ll be paid next week but he’s not sure how much he’ll be paid. Twenty hours a week at 8 dollars an hour will not get him very far. It would be rude to ask Isa how much money he makes but Van is sure it’s more money than he’ll ever see in his entire life.

The waitress hurries off with Isa’s card and they sit quietly together while Isa holds his phone in hand, scrolling on the screen. Van watches him captivated by even the smallest Isa mannerism. The way he plays with his hair hanging over his shoulder and the way he casually runs his teeth over his bottom lip. Van watches quietly and wishes he could touch Isa’s lips, hair, and face; silky strands to wrap through his fingers and gently tug to bring their mouths together.

_ Stop. _

_ He would never date a nasty grease gremlin like you. _

“Ready to go?” Isa asks and Van wishes he could think of a reason to hang out a little longer but his time with Isa is up. 

“Yeah,” he replies, following him back to the car. “I… had fun today.” 

“Yeah? Good. I’m glad. You need a ride home?” 

“Please.” 

Isa slides into the car and Van tries not to obsess over Isa not confirming he had fun also. The entire ride back, however, he focuses on how Isa didn’t say he had fun, too. By the time they’re parked in Sora’s driveway, he’s convinced himself no one ever has fun around him and he drags everyone down. Especially Sora. 

“I’ll send you an email on care instructions but try to see a derm if you can. They’ll have medical advice I can’t give.” Isa smiles and hands his bag from the back seat over. “Have a nice night, Vanitas.” 

“Yeah… you too.” He slinks out of the car like a wounded bird and scurries up to the front porch and into the house. Isa drives off and Van sighs sadly after he’s gone. Having friends would be nice and Demyx says they can be friends again but he’s not really convinced. 

He doesn’t exactly deserve friends anyway.

Shoulders slumped, Van walks back through the house toward the basement stairs, unsurprised to find Sora in the kitchen and Riku. Riku’s at the table, reading some mail, and Sora is coloring. The sight them casually together makes his heart swell because he’s glad Sora has someone who loves him, even if he’s convinced Riku has some adjusting and learning to do.

“Where were you?” Riku asks as he appears.

“Oh, just out with a friend,” he says and realizes he’s holding a Sephora bag which is embarrassing.

Riku looks as if he’s about to say something but Sora beats him to it. “You have friends?”

Van drops his eyes and feels the words sting. He knows Sora is probably joking considering the way he grins at his paper but considering the way, he’s been feeling lately the joke sloughs off and only leaves pain. “No,” he replies before heading downstairs in a rush. He shuts the door to his room and slowly sinks onto the floor, pressing his back against the door while he feels empty and lonely.

A soft knock on his door makes him press his back against it harder, He doesn’t want a visitor. “Vanitas?” Sora calls, voice quiet and unsure.

“Go away, Sora,” he replies, hoping his tears don’t come across.

Sora knocks again.  _ Knock knock _ . “Please?” Sora says, still soft and sad. “I’m sorry I said that it was supposed to be funny but I don’t think you got that part.”

“It’s fine, Sora,” he replies even though it isn’t.

“Please open the door?”

He sighs, letting his head tilt back against the door for a moment before deciding to be the bigger person and stand up to open the door. Sora stands on the other side looking sad and ashamed. “What, Sora?”

“I’m sorry,” Sora mutters. “About what I said. It wasn’t nice.”

“It’s true,” Vanitas replies with a shrug. “I don’t have friends.”

“ _ I’m _ your friend!” Sora says. “Right? We’re friends?”

“I don’t know, Sora, are we?” he replies, voice bitter and sharp. He walks over to sit on his bed, staring at the floor.

“Yes!” Sora rushes over to sit on his knees in front of him, looking up at his face desperately. “We’re best friends.”

“I don’t feel like we are,” Van whispers. “I get you’re mad at me for what I said and you have every right to be mad at me… but I’m still your brother and…” He doesn’t want to admit to Sora he doesn’t think Sora loves him because he knows it’ll break Sora’s heart.

“And…?” Sora prompts.

He sighs, folding his arms over his chest and looking away. “I’m your brother and I don’t feel like you care about me or love me.”

Sora freezes and Van can see the light in his eyes go out and die. “What?” Sora whispers. “You-you-.”

Immediate regret. Van reaches out to cup Sora’s face in his hands but Sora is already crying. “Sora…”

“ _ I love you _ ,” Sora gasps. “I love you so much!” Fat tears roll down Sora’s cheeks and he throws his arms around Van’s middle to squeeze and hug him tightly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry you don’t think I do.”

“I shouldn’t have said that I’m sorry,” Van says quickly, sliding his fingers in Sora’s hair to pet him softly. “I’m sorry.”

“No,  _ I’m _ sorry,” Sora insists, burying his face in Van’s chest. “Do you think I don’t love you because I’m kicking you out?”

“It’s… just a long… long line of thought, Sora,” Vanitas replies quietly. “I just figure you’re like mom and dad and would rather have me out of sight out of mind. I mean, I’ve never been good to you, Sora. Ever. I’ve always been a bad brother.”

“You’re getting better,” Sora says. “And you’re not the worst brother. You’re a good brother.”

Van snorts. “When was I ever good?”

Sora pauses which feels louder than any words he could have said but then Sora squeezes him and nuzzles his chest and starts to talk. “When we were little, you were kinda mean… but we were little and that’s normal. Fighting with siblings… but then we got older and you were  _ always _ there for me. You help me at every event I go to, you support me at races, you go to talks with me, you always defend me on Facebook from idiots. You’re  _ so good _ with my autism stuff. Riku’s not… and I’m really glad  _ you _ are because it really helps. More than you know.”

Tears fill his eyes as Sora talks and he bends forward to kiss the top of Sora’s head. “I’m sorry Riku isn’t always the best at that stuff. You gotta teach him.”

“Trying,” Sora mutters. “I know he means well but I think he thinks he knows best.”

Van snorts. “I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels that way. I thought you thought he was perfect.”

Sora laughs. “No one is perfect, Vanitas. Not even Riku... Especially not Riku.”

“You’re wrong,” Van says.

“What?”

“You’re perfect.”

Sora blushes and shakes his head. “Nooo.”

“Yes, definitely.” Van kisses his head again and rubs his back.

“See?” Sora whispers. “You are a good brother.”

Vanitas rolls his eyes but there is a warm fuzzy sprouting in his chest. Sora hasn’t let go and he doesn’t shove Sora away. He’s so touch starved, even this awkward contact feels good. “Shut up, sap.”

Sora giggles and nuzzles his chest. “I love you, Vanitas. I’ll say it more often, I swear.”

“I love you, too, Sora,” he whispers back.

“I know you want to stay here and it sounds nice but I think it would best for you to move out,” Sora continues softly. “It’s not that I don’t love you or want you in my life but…”

“I know,” Van whispers even though it hurts.

“Maybe, one day, it won’t be so painful and you could come back.”

Van snorts. “Riku won’t like that.”

“Well, it’s my house, not his.”

He’ll believe it when he sees it but he doesn’t say that out loud. “Still hugging, huh?”

“Yep,” Sora replies and Van smiles.

“Okay,” Van says, petting and scratching Sora’s head softly. “You wanna go out there and cuddle on the couch? We can watch something on Netflix.”

Sora pauses and then nods. “Yeah, easier on the knees.”

Vanitas fluffs his hair and helps Sora stand up so they can go out to the couch and cuddle up on the couch together. He lets Sora pick the movie and he eagerly soaks up the affection. May as well enjoy it now because soon he won’t be able to do this anymore. Soon, he’ll have no positive light in his life. Soon, he’ll be back in the prison of his parents’ house. The thought leaves him cold inside.


	4. Chapter 4

“How many more trips do we have to  _ make _ ?” Sora groans while they drag some more boxes down the stairs of their parents’ house.

Last week, he’d been given approval from his parents to move back in but only if he paid them half of his paycheck in rent each month. He agreed because otherwise he’d be living in a box and even his parents’ basement is better than a box. He’d also managed to rope Riku and Sora into helping him move his belongings because he couldn’t exactly move alone and he knew his parents weren’t going to help.

“Just one more,” Van pants while they go back upstairs but only make it halfway because Riku is coming down with the last boxes.

“I got it,” Riku says and Sora takes one of them so Riku can see what he’s doing. “Done. Finally.”

“Sorry,” Van says while staring at all of the boxes. His childhood bed is still down here so he at least didn’t have to move large furniture, just his belongings. Sora eagerly collapses on the bed and Vanitas stares at the old twin frame, his memories flooding painfully through his mind. The recollection of smelling pine and tobacco fills his nose and he can feel his bladder wanting to flood and burst.

“Okay, we’re gonna get going,” Riku says. “We have a flight to catch.”

“Oh, right,” Sora says. “Sorry, we can’t help unpack.”

Van shakes his head. “It’s fine.”

It’s not fine, none of this is fine but Sora has no idea he’s panicking on the inside. Sora gives him a hug and then he’s following Riku upstairs. He can hear his parents trying to make them stay a little longer, while he stares at the bed in silence. His eyes slowly shut as he recalls a heavy weight lying on top of him, hot breath on the back his neck, and pain sprouting from his pelvis like fire. Tears slowly roll down his face as he remembers all of the painful memories in this basement.

The sound of someone’s footstep creaking on the stairs brings him back and he glances over his shoulder to see his father standing o the landing looking unimpressed. Fear settles over his entire body and he tries not to outwardly panic. He looks away and goes to stand off to the side like a good little soldier.

“So,” his father says as he steps onto the basement floor, glancing at Vanitas’ stuff packed in boxes and bags. “Twenty-six and living at home again.”

“Yes, Sir,” he mutters, shame eating at his core.

He rolls his eyes and shakes his head, looking completely disgusted. “You drop out of school, this is what happens. You can’t find a good job and you end up living here because your brother was tired of you mooching. Since you’ll be home now, you will abide by our rules. Am I understood?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good. The basement is yours, the bathroom is still working down here. If you want food, you will buy your own. You will not be out late unless it’s for work. You know the passcode of the alarm so do not wake your mother and me up at night if you need to return home late for work. I will not take you to and from work. Your mother may be more willing if you ask her kindly. I don’t have time to abide by your schedule and as you are twenty-six years old, I would expect by now, you’d have your own transportation.”

He doesn’t snap back even though he wants to immediately point out Sora only has a vehicle because of their grandmother. He had never been granted a car growing up and he only learned how to drive because of people he knew in high school. He’s not even sure he remembers  _ how _ to drive since it’s been a long time since he’s been behind the wheel.

“Am I understood, Vanitas?” his father snaps.

“Yes, Sir.”

“I do not want you in the main part of the house unless invited or if you’re getting food. This first month, you may skip paying us rent so we can know how much you are making and how much we will expect. I’m sure your mother will be down here to give you more rules. I have to go to a luncheon. Stay out of your mother’s hair.”

“Yes, Sir.”

His father nods and goes back up the stairs, slamming the basement door shut. Van slowly turns back toward the bed and goes to sit, darkness and slime covering his entire body as he slowly sinks down to lie on his side. He’s not sure he even wants to unpack. This is not his home but a prison. He’s never belonged here. 

The fears he used to have as a child quickly return and his anxiety hits the roof. After one conversation, his father has managed to revert him back to being just a child; a lost, scared boy who is empty, cold and unloved. Already, he misses Sora and he misses living away from his parents. Sora can never know the horrors he’s endured in this basement.

The door to the basement opens and he can hear his mother’s heels heading down the stairs. He remains on his side, curled up in the fetal position, wishing he could just expire right now. No one would miss him anyway.

“Vanitas?” his mother calls as she peers into the basement.

He sniffs but doesn’t reply. He’s too tired to say anything, besides, he knows she’s only here to yell at him some more.

“Did you eat?” his mother asks which is surprising. Since when does she care if he’s eaten.

“No,” he replies darkly.

“Do you want something to eat? I was going to go to lunch, you could come with me?”

He sits up slowly and dares to look over at her in her sharp pantsuit. She looks surprisingly soft and not annoyed with him as her usual disposition.  He stands up so he can at least leave the basement. He’s sure the lecture will come over lunch but at least she’s offering to feed him. The other shoe will drop soon enough.

The sun feels extremely bright as he follows her to the car and sits in silence. She plays the radio and he doesn’t say anything because he has nothing to say. His mind is still trapped in the basement and the weight still rests on his back. They pass a grand, old church on the way to the restaurant his mother picked out for lunch. He turns his eyes slowly over to the church while they sit at a red light. Sweat gathers on his skin while he can feel his pulse quicken.

The door to the church opens and a figure steps out into the light with a young man at his side. His stomach flips and nerves coil his guts so tightly he can feel the urge to throw up overwhelm him. Dressed in a long robe, hunched forward, hands behind his back is a man Vanitas hadn’t ever expected to see again. He’s talking to the young man, younger than him from the looks of it, and Van can see the boy has a smile on his face. He wonders if the smile will fade later down the line the longer the boy stays trapped in Father Xehanort’s claws.

“Oh,” his mother says and rolls down Van’s window which makes him startle. “Father Xehanort!” she calls and pulls over so they can park on the curb by the church and not impede traffic when the light changes.

Vanitas feels fear soak his entire being.

The old priest pats the young man on the shoulder and then makes his way up to their car. Van recoils back when the old man’s hands wrap around the car door and Xehanort leans too close.

“Sefina,” Xehanort hums in his dark voice. “It’s been a long time since you’ve come by the church.”

“I know,” she replies and Van swears he sees her press her chest forward like a lamb to slaughter. “I’ve been so busy, Father. Would have thought once my kids left I’d be  _ less _ busy.”

He chuckles and turns his golden eyes on Vanitas. The smell of pine and tobacco slithers up Van’s nose. “Vanitas,” he says warmly. “It’s been even longer since I last saw you. You’ve grown so well.”

Van gulps back a lump in his throat and he nods but his voice is robbed just like it had been in confessional and the basement. Always the basement.

“Don’t be rude, Vanitas,” his mother scolds.

“Hello,” he manages to gasp. “Father.”

“It is good to see you. Having a day with your mother?”

“Vanitas had to move back in with us,” his mother replies which is humiliating and shameful.

“I see,” Xehanort muses. “Perhaps, you will come back to church then.” Xehanort’s hand slides to the back of his neck and his flesh is ice cold. Van freezes, locked in place. “I’ve missed you terribly.”

“We’ll come by on Sunday,” his mother says and Xehanort squeezes his neck.

“Good,” he replies. “I look forward to seeing you both.”

There is a moment where Xehanort stays by the car and keeps his hand on Van’s neck until he finally pulls away, fingernails grazing over his flesh lightly. Goosebumps rise up over Van’s body and he can feel nausea making him so sick to his stomach, he’s not sure he’ll make it to the restaurant.

“Such a nice man,” his mother says while they drive away.

He can feel his soul exiting his body and he dissociates, pulling away as fast as he can to stop feeling so nauseated. He pulls so far back, he can barely hear the world around him and follows her like a small robot into the restaurant, sitting down at the table, and staring at the menu without reading it. His mother makes pleasant conversation with their waitress and he doesn’t remember speaking but eventually, a glass of water is set in front of him.

His mother is talking to him but he can’t hear what she’s saying. He just stares at the menu and isn’t sure what he wants or if he can even eat right now. His mind sinks further away until he’s back in Sora’s basement with Sora upstairs watching cartoons and the soft sounds of knowing Sora is right there just a few feet away is comforting. He imagines lying in bed, playing video games, and spending the afternoon with his brother. Even from the basement, he felt safe. 

It’s comforting.

“Vanitas.”

The comfort falls out from under him when his mother’s voice brings him back. “What?”

She gestures at the waitress. “What do you want to eat?”

“Oh.” He hasn’t even read the menu yet so he just glances at it briefly. “Chicken tenders.”

“Fries with that, honey?”

He nods. “Yeah.”

“Great.”

“Where is your head today?” his mother asks him once the waitress is gone. “Off in the clouds?”

“Sorry,” he replies as a habit.

“Haven’t been to church in a while, might be a nice family bonding moment,” she suggests casually. 

He doesn’t react, simply sitting still and quiet while she talks. He wants to sink back inside himself so he doesn’t have to think or hold a normal conversation. The only thing his mind can focus on is the feeling of Xehanort’s cold fingers on his neck. Without his touch, Van feels as if the skin is raw and burned. Ready for infection.

“Vanitas?”

“Hm?” he asks, staring in her direction but his eyes are focused on her hands on the table.

“What did your father say to you earlier?”

“Nothing,” he whispers.

“Vanitas.”

“What?”

“What did he say to you?”

“He just told me the rules,” he replies, voice flat and monotone.

“What rules?”

“House rules,” he whispers.

“Our house?”

He nods. He knows she knows what he’s talking about but it’s her turn to play good cop while his father plays the strict parent. “Yes,” he says, hearing an edge enter his voice as he loses patience.

“Hm.” She hums and taps her manicured nails on the plastic table. “What did he tell you?”

He sighs and wishes they had food so he could stab something. “Stop,” he whispers.

“Excuse me?”

“I said  _ stop _ ,” he repeats. “You know what he said to me. You know exactly what he did and what he said and how he wants me to behave in your house. I’m not stupid. This is how it’s always been.”

“Vanitas, I don’t appreciate this vitriol when I’ve brought you out to lunch and have tried to engage you kindly.”

“It’s all lies, I’m not stupid,” he whispers. “You know I don’t like talking to Father Xehanort but you stopped to talk to him even knowing this. You know Dad is hard and nasty to me always.”

She rubs her lips which he knows is a sign of her being anxious but he also knows he’s won this round. He knows she knows he’s right. “You do not have to go with on Sunday, Vanitas,” she finally says.

“Good because I wasn’t going to,” he replies smartly.

She opens her mouth to speak but their food is brought out and now he has something to do with his hands. He picks at the chicken like he would his face, only nibbling here and there because his stomach is still in knots from his interaction with Xehanort.

“Father Xehanort likes seeing you, Vanitas. Perhaps, he can help you find a better job, he has a lot of resources-.”

“No, thank you.”

“You’re so stubborn, Vanitas.” His mother shakes her head but he doesn’t say anything. She has no idea the pain he’s suffered at Xehanort’s hands; if she does know, she’s more of a monster than he ever believed.

He shakes his head and shoves his plate away. “I’m not hungry.”

“We can take it home in a box,” she says quickly. “Do you want dessert?”

Dessert. She really is trying to pull out the stops to sugar up to him. “No,” he replies.

“Hm, maybe I’ll get something for myself,” she muses while checking the dessert menu. “Or I can get a full pie to take home and we can all have pie over the week.”

He snorts. “I’m not allowed in the house so I doubt it.”

“Your father said you weren’t allowed in the house,” she says.

“Unless invited,” he spits back coolly. “Or if I’m making food which I have to buy myself. I get it, I’m a burden, I’m trash. You know, probably be easier for me to just die, right? I bet my funeral would cost you nothing because you could just throw me out in the garbage.”

“Vanitas, that’s not true.” 

He laughs but it’s bitter and cold, empty of all joy. “Sure.” 

“You are my son, I know we’ve not seen eye to eye in the past but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” 

They both know she’s full of shit so he doesn’t respond. The waitress returns to take his mother’s plate and she asks for a box for his and orders a peach pie. He doesn’t even like peach but keeps his mouth shut. Sora’s favorite is peach, not his. 

“You like peach, right, Vanitas?” she asks after the waitress is off to grab a pie and a box for them. 

He doesn’t reply or say a word so she takes his silence as a yes before they head out together to the car. She immediately chatty on the ride home but he sinks in his seat and leans his head against the window of the car. Sora is the one who likes to talk during car rides. 

“I was thinking of making that dish you used to love tonight. A family dinner– I know what your father said about groceries and I will talk to him about that later but I was thinking of making those noodles with the beef tips? I bought some fresh beef this morning and I think it would be nice to make for dinner. Your father will be home later around seven so we can dinner about seven-thirty–.”

“That’s Sora,” he says flatly, eyes focused on the passing buildings. 

“Excuse me?” 

“Sora likes beef and noodles. Sora likes peach pie. Sora likes to talk in the car. Sora, Sora, Sora.” He says everything in one flat voice as he’s tired all the way to the soul. His mother doesn’t know him or love him and she never has or will.  

They stop at a red light and his mother stares at him. He can feel her eyes on him but he doesn’t look over at her, focused on what is happening outside. He’s so tired, all he wants to do is go home and down a bottle of pain killers with a bottle of vodka he knows is upstairs somewhere. Sora is off in Florida for some conference with Riku and he’s sure they’ll go to Disney while they’re out there. Sora loves Disney. He can still remember the year they went to Disney for a family vacation; they flew out and Sora had been so excited. He can still remember how on one of the rides, he’d been sick so his parents send him back to the resort hotel but stayed in the park with Sora so he wouldn't miss out on anything. 

He’d stayed in the hotel room for the rest of the trip. 

He hasn’t been to Disney since because each year his parents went they would take Sora and not him. Hell, he can remember the year Riku had replaced him on the trip. So simple and easy for his parents to ignore and despise him as if he’s the reason anything bad ever happens to Sora; the perfect son. They would never miss him. He has no friends, no pets, no family – he has a frenemy on YouTube and he’s pretty sure the internet would rejoice in his death. 

“You said you liked peach in the restaurant–.” 

“I didn’t say anything,” he corrects her quickly. 

“Well, why didn’t you say something?” 

“Because you  _ never _ cared about what I wanted or what I liked! There are no pictures of me in your house, you hate my face, you hate my guts, and you wish I was  _ dead _ . Why the fuck would I bother to tell you my favorite pie flavor is pumpkin?!” He doesn’t mean to yell or snap but the words tumble out of his mouth too quickly for him to think. 

The light is green and someone is honking behind them but his mother hasn’t moved. She’s staring at him as if he’s grown an extra head and maybe he has but he turns his back on her, trying to roll onto his side so he can stare blankly out the window. The car starts to move finally but she pulls into a parking lot and stops. 

“Vanitas,” she says quietly. “When you were taken to the hospital I realized too late I have not been a good mother to you… I realized your life is so fragile and I was so afraid I’d lose you–.” 

“You never had me,” he spits back. “Because you didn’t want me.” 

“You are my son and I love you,” she says firmly. “Hearing you talk so darkly is terrifying for me as your mother. I never really thought I would lose you or your brother… It is a fear for most parents and I know I was always scared something could happen as you both grew up but the older you became, the less afraid I felt. Until recently.” 

He snorts and wants to tell her to fuck off – pretending to love him now when he’s at the end of his rope is some final grasp on her end to control him. Make  _ him _ feel guilty for being upset. “Yeah, right,” he whispers. 

“ _ Vanitas _ .” Her voice breaks and she starts to cry. “I don’t know what to do to make you understand how much I love you. I am  _ sorry _ for your father’s behavior today, I will talk to him. He was just as upset as I was–” 

“You didn’t even want to fucking visit me in the hospital,” he spits back. “Christ, it’s like you’re both fucking psychotic.” 

“I came to visit you several times,” she replies. “They wouldn’t let me see you when you were on a psychiatric hold. I’m  _ sorry _ , Vanitas. I’m so sorry.” 

She’s still crying and his body twitches. He wants to turn around and comfort her but he stays still. Tears brim in his eyes, too, because there is so much he wants to say. He wants to tell her his darkest secret but he’s unsure if she’d believe him even now. Her tears fill the silence while they also strangle his resolve. 

“Father Xehanort raped me,” he whispers so softly he’s not sure she heard him. 

She stops, sniffing and wiping her nose. “What?” 

“I said, Father Xehanort, raped me.” His voice is louder and stronger now, letting the words flow out like a rushing river. “He would come to the house and go to the basement. He’d rape me in my bed. He raped me at church. He touched me in confessional. It’s what I hate him.” 

“ _ What _ ?” she gasps. “Vanitas– I-I– I don’t… I… How long did this go on!?” 

“Until I moved out,” he replies. He finally manages to turn and face the dashboard, eyes on the windshield and the empty parking lot they're sitting in. 

She places a hand on her chest and he flinches as she has to exit the car to throw up. Tears squeeze out of his eyes while he sits there, feeling ashamed and pathetic. Father Xehanort started raping him when he was five years old. Thirteen years of constant abuse. 

When his mother slides back into the car she’s quiet and her face is grim. “When did this start?” 

“I was five.” 

“We let him into our house because… he was a good man, we never thought… Oh my God. Did he ever do this to Sora? Do you know?” she asks and then quickly adds on “I’m not making this about him, I just need to know if your brother was also involved.” 

“I wouldn’t let him touch Sora,” he whispers.  “I let him do it so much to me so he wouldn’t hurt Sora, too.” 

“Vanitas, you didn't  _ ask _ him to do this to you,” she says in a quivering but firm voice. “We should talk to the police.” 

“No,” he snaps. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to deal with it.” 

“Vanitas, he could be hurting other people–.” 

“I don’t want to relive it!” he shrieks. 

She sighs and runs a hand over her face. “I had no idea, I had no…. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” 

He shrugs. “He told me if I said anything you would all die. I believed him.” 

“Oh, Vanitas…” She reaches over to touch him but stops short. “This is not your fault. You were a  _ child _ , Vanitas. He’s the adult. He knew better. You didn’t.” 

“Don’t tell dad,” he whispers. “He already hates me enough.” 

“Your father doesn’t hate you–.” 

“Yeah, he does.” Van’s fingers twitch on his thighs. “He hates me and wishes I wasn’t in your house. I’m not stupid.”

“I’ll talk to him.” 

He shook his head because he doesn’t want her to bother. “Forget it.” 

“Your father loves you, Vanitas. He isn’t good at showing it and I know he’s being strict on you–.” 

“You both think I’m a mooch off of Sora and I’m garbage. I just want to go home, if you don’t want to drive me, I’ll walk.” He rubs his face and cleans it of tears. He’s done with crying over this mess. 

“Vanitas, I don’t  _ hate _ you–.” 

“I just want to go home,” he insists. She can cry and sob and tell him she loves him but it’s all on deaf ears now. Confessing leaves his heart full of relief but he doesn’t expect anything to change at home. 

Their house is a prison and he doesn’t expect to survive a year. 


	5. Chapter 5

“He’s so… so…”

“Frustrating? Greasy? Gross?”

Isa stops pacing and gives Axel a nasty side-eye glance. “No,” he says firmly. “He’s none of those things – okay, yes, he is frustrating but not for the reason you were going to say.”

Axel rolls his eyes and continues to scroll on his phone while Isa thinks about how wonderful Vanitas actually is in person. He’s been beside himself since they had a day at Sephora and then lunch together. He wants to text Vanitas to initiate further contact but he’s also afraid he’ll come off too strong. Axel is, of course, indifferent to his plight and stretched out on the bed like a lazy bum and he’s having a complete crisis.

“Whatever you say, man,” Axel replies, focused on his phone.

“Could you please stop sexting your boyfriend and pay attention to me,” Isa says, leaning over Axel, straddling his thighs. “Please?”

Axel slowly sets his phone down and stares up at him innocently. “Me? Being naughty online? Never.”

Isa rolls his eyes. “I like him, I really like him, and I don’t know why because I’ve only hung out with him once.”

“So, you have a crush on Vanitas,” Axel says slowly.

“I think so.”

“Why?”

“I don’t _know_ . He’s actually really nice and shy and he’s hot. He’s _so_ hot.” Isa sighs as he thinks on Vanitas’ shoulders and arms. “God, he’s so fucking built, man.”

“He has more acne than a hormone-laden teenager,” Axel replies.

Isa rolls his eyes. “So?”

“Just saying, he’s kinda…. Gross?”

Isa frowns and shakes his head. “He is _not_ gross. Acne doesn’t make you gross. He has a skin condition, leave him alone.” He pinches Axel’s cheek and Axel winces. “Don’t be a bitch.”

“ _Ow_ ,” Axel hisses, rubbing his cheek. “Rude, Isa.”

“Just saying, you’re being nasty like you were in high school. Don’t be mean.”

Axel rolls his eyes and nods. “Sorry. So, he’s cute, you think he’s attractive.”

Isa nods. “Yeah,” he says, feeling his face split into a dreamy smile. “I want to hang out with him again.”

“Then text him.”

“Am I coming off too strongly?”

“I think you’re overthinking it,” Axel replies. “Now, can I go back to talking to my boyfriend, please?”

Isa rolls his eyes but he stands up, pushing on Axel’s chest to stay balanced making him grunt but he’s still mad at Axel so he doesn’t care. Leaving Axel on his bed, Isa wanders downstairs, phone in hand, to pace through his kitchen and find a snack. He checks Vanitas’ Twitter and notes he took a photo of the products which makes him smile.

_@voidXgear: trying some new stuff for my face, we’ll see how it goes, so far so good_

He’s tickled to see Van also posted a selfie post-shower. His face clearly cleaner and moisturized and even though he’s not smiling, Isa is glad to see him looking so healthy and in much better lighting. Van’s hair slicked back from the shower is definitely doing something to him. Plus his eyes looking so stunning in the light.

 _God_.

Isa bites his knuckles and hits _like_ on Van’s photo immediately. There are mixed comments in the thread, some people immediately tearing him down and others encouraging him to keep bettering himself. Isa immediately likes any positive comment and decides to submit his own reply.

_@SAÏX: You look amazing! Keep it up : )_

Fish and Chips wander into the kitchen where he’s leaning on the island with a huge smile on his face. He glances down at them and smiles when they both sit and look up at him with happy dog smiles. “He’s so cute, boys,” he says and can hear his voice rise into a whine. “So, so cute. I hate it.”

Fish nips at Chips’ collar which sends them both into wrestling at his feet. Isa rolls his eyes and decides to take the plunge and send Vanitas a new text. Maybe they can hang out before he has to go to Florida in a couple of days for a product shoot.

_Isa; Hey Van it’s Isa saw your selfie you look great :D_

_Vanitas: Omg_

_Vanitas: I mean hi_

_Isa: Hi : )_

_Isa: How are you?_

_Vanitas: I’m ok_

_Isa: Are you working today?_

_Vanitas: No_

_Isa: Are you busy doing anything else?_

_Vanitas: Not really_

_Isa: You want to hang out?_

_Vanitas: Seriously? I thought you didn’t have fun with me the other day_

_Isa: Lol who said that? I didn’t say that did I? I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. I had a good time. Can we hang out today? I can come pick you up, I know you said you don’t have a car_

_Vanitas: Yeah sure_

_Isa: Awesome. I can come get you in like an hour?_

_Vanitas: Ok I don’t live with Sora anymore I have a new address_  

_Isa: Oh ok cool send it to me and I’ll be there soon : )_

Isa sets his phone down on the counter so he can head upstairs to the bathroom to put on a quick face. He’s mastered the art of putting on a completed makeup look in under thirty minutes. “I gotta go,” he tells Axel while he changes into shorts and a crop top. If he’s going to be flirty, he may as well be hot.

“Where are you going?” Axel asks. “Wait, don’t tell me. I know… You’re going to hang out with Vanitas.”

“Yep,” Isa replies, brushing his hair and quickly throwing it up into a ponytail.

“Nice shorts, your butt is showing.”

Isa glances over his shoulder and smirks. “I know.”

“You hoe.”

“I know. You staying here?”

“No, I’m gonna go meet up with Rox. I’m horny today.” Axel sits up and stretches. “Thanks for letting me hang with you.”

“Roxas having tacos for breakfast?” he teases.

Axel grins and waggles his eyebrows. “Roxas _loves_ tacos for breakfast.”

Isa snorts and they head out together. He makes sure the dogs have water on the way out and he inputs Vanitas’ new address into his car’s GPS. He’s not far, only twenty minutes across town which makes Isa wonder if Van moved in with his parents or he magically became rich overnight to live in a nice neighborhood. He assumes the former is most likely.

When he reaches the house, Isa notes Van is already waiting on the porch, scrolling on his form, and Isa feels his heart leap out of his chest when he notes Van is dressed in black shorts which remind him of his mall goth days with too many straps and neon green on black accents,  and a black cut off tank top with some heavy metal band logo. The shirt is gross and graphic with a naked woman but Isa is so glad to see him uncovered he doesn’t mind.

“Oh my God,” he whispers, tilting his sunglasses down so he can have a better look when Vanitas stands up. He’s a walking fashion disaster but apparently, Isa is weak for the Hot Topic look.

Van hops off of the porch and heads up to the car, looking surprisingly relaxed, and Isa can feel his palms sweat. “Hey,” Van says when he opens the door. “It’s so fucking hot outside. I’ve been out here for five minutes and my dick is already sweating.”

“Y-yeah,” Isa stammers. “It is.”

Vanitas’ eyes slide over Isa’s thighs while he slides into the passenger’s seat. “Wow, you look… great.”

“Thanks.” Isa smiles and he’s glad he’s wearing dark sunglasses. His eyes run over Van’s arms and he’s sad to see so many old scars. They are old, however, and he doubts Van would walk around with new ones showing, so he can only hope self-harm is in the past for Vanitas. “How are you?”

“I’m here,” Van replies with a shrug. “Living at home again.”

“That’s your parents’ house?”

“Yeah.” Van nods and glances out the window quietly. “That’s them. Sucks because they’re far from work and I have to get rides from my mom. She’s unhappy about it but dad won’t take me so she kinda has to until I can get a car.”

“Do you know how to drive?”

He nods. “It’s been a while since I’ve been behind the wheel but yeah, I know how to drive technically. Doesn’t do me any fucking good because cars are expensive and I don’t really make squat being a barista.”

Isa nods because he understands working crap jobs before making it anywhere. “Yeah, I get it. I used to work really crap jobs before I finally landed a deal via Instagram. It’s weird, you know? One minute you go from nobody and then the next I’ve got an agent and contracts being shoved under my nose.”

“Yeah, that won’t happen for me,” Van replies.

“What did I say to you earlier?”

“Not to say never,” Van mumbles in quiet shame.

“Exactly.” Isa smiles. “So, I didn’t think too hard on what we could do, I figured we would just kind of wing it… but since it’s so effing hot today, I suggest we find something indoors to do.”

Van nods. “Yeah, for sure.”

He taps his fingers on the steering wheel and glances at his house. “You want to go to my place?” he finally asks. “No parents, I have dogs, snacks, and tons of movies, and Netflix.”

“Okay,” Van replies with a casual shrug. “Sure.”

“Sweet.” Isa backs out of the driveway to start driving back to his house tucked away in a quiet neighborhood. When he finally had enough money to purchase his own home, he’d wanted privacy so he picked a gated neighborhood, tucked away behind trees and landscaping. He hadn’t wanted a mansion because he had no need to have a house with eighty rooms but he’d found a decent sized, three bedroom house, with a pool and his own avocado trees growing on site.

He’d fallen in love with the house and quickly put his mark on the property. He had the house repainted on the outside and inside, gutted the kitchen and bathrooms to renovate them with modern appliances. The carpets were torn out and he had hardwood floors put in and the master bedroom expanded to make the bathroom larger. The dogs enjoy the front and backyard and Isa enjoys having his privacy.

“This is your house?” Van asks as they pull up the driveway.

“Yep.”

“Wow… It’s… not as big as I pictured it.”

Isa snorts hard enough to hurt his throat. “That’s what she said.”

Vanitas pauses and then they both burst into laughter, to the point of tears tracking down their faces. Isa manages to stumble out of the car and he walks around to open Vanitas’ door without thinking and he can see Van flush pink.

“So, welcome to my house,” Isa says when they open the front door and he’s unsurprised to hear dog claws scrabbling across the floor to come and greet them. “You know I have dogs, so that’s chill- right?”

Van nods. “I like dogs.”

“Good because mine are attention monsters.” Isa leads Van inside and just in time for both Fish and Chips to run up to them, both jumping eagerly at Isa’s legs before noticing a new person standing with him. They both pause and start to sniff Van’s shoes, curious and uncertain.

“Oh no,” Van whispers and Isa smirks at his tone. The tone of suppressed squealing because they’re so cute.

“I know, they’re precious- Oh, can you take your shoes off? I hate when people wear their outside shoes inside.”

“Sure,” Van says while he bends over to hold out his fingers for the dogs to sniff.

Isa smiles and feels his heart swell. Seeing Vanitas being soft with his dogs is not only a good sign but it makes him happy. Fish and Chips eventually finish sniffing and rush off, chasing and nipping at each other’s tails. Isa snorts but slides his shoes off, waiting for Vanitas to do the same, before he starts the brief tour.

“This is the first floor, living room, kitchen, back sliding door leads to the backyard and pool,” Isa says, leading him quickly through the house. Most of the house is in an open floor plan because he’s never been a fan of walls. The only separate rooms are the first-floor bathroom and the dining room which he hardly uses.

“You have a pool?” Vanitas asks.

“In-ground heated,” Isa replies with a smug grin. “It’s my favorite part of my house if I’m honest. That and the master bathroom.”

“It’s a nice house,” Van says. “Do you live here alone? I mean, besides your dogs?”

“Yeah. Axel comes over a lot and I always have friends by but I don’t have a roommate or partner if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You’re single?” Vanitas asks and he’s flattered by how shocked he sounds.

Isa snorts out a laugh and guides Van over to the couch to sit down together. He tries not to crowd him immediately because he has no idea how Van is with personal space. “It’s really hard to date when I’m constantly on the go. I don’t have time to date or get to know anyone.”

“Don’t you get lonely?” Van asks and his voice is surprisingly soft and sad.

“All the time.”

Fish and Chips wander over to them and it’s not long before they have two dogs eagerly climbing between them to beg for attention. Vanitas pats his lap and Chips eagerly climbs up before Fish can and Isa swears he sees Chips smirk. His pups are full of spiteful personality just like him and he’s always so proud of his little heathens.

“What, uh, kind of guys- or girls- are you into?” Vanitas asks, fingers dragging through Chips’ fur over his stomach.

“Guys,” he confirms with a smirk. “I’m definitely into guys.”

“I didn’t want to assume– like I did before, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Isa replies quickly. “I mean, I like guys who are smart, nice, handsome, and trustworthy.”

Van nods slowly. “Bar seems kinda low.”

Isa laughs. “Yeah, well, guys are generally stupid, so gotta set that expectation kind of low. I’m big on honesty because without honesty you can’t really have trust. A lot of people assume I’m shallow and only date people who are like supermodel hot but I’m not really into supermodels. Most of the ones I’ve met are garbage people anyway.”

“So, you like… ugly guys?” Van asks slowly which makes Isa laugh again.

“I mean I don’t really care about looks too much,” he replies. “I know that sounds fake because, well, look at me.” He gestures to himself and shrugs. “But looks are so low on the totem pole for me. What about you? What kind of people are you into?”

Vanitas snorts and looks away. His face turns bright red, too, which Isa thinks is cute. “I’m ugly so anyone better looking than me is good.”

Isa frowns. “Hey, you are _not_ ugly,” he says firmly.

“Yeah, I am. It’s okay, man, I know I’m ugly. I’ve been told I’m ugly my whole life, I’m fully aware I’m ugly.”   Van reaches up to start picking his face so he reaches over to put his hand on Van’s wrist to stop him.

“Hey,” he says softly, holding Vanitas’ hand. Van’s cold and sweaty but he doesn’t let go because he refuses to let Van pick at his face or lips. “You are not ugly. I’m sorry people say that about you but you’re not ugly.”

“Look at my face,” Van snaps back. “It’s disgusting.”

“I am looking at your face and you know what I see?”

Van sighs. “What?”

“I see really beautiful eyes and sharp cheekbones that could fucking cut glass. I see full lips that, yes, could use some chapstick but are a good shape and look plump. I see good bone structure and nice eyebrows which after a little clean up would be killer. I see a really handsome guy and look at your biceps, Vanitas. You could kill a man with your biceps.”

Van stares at him with widening eyes and his face heats up, the red running down his neck and shoulders to his hands. “W-wow,” he mutters.

The words had tumbled out and Isa slowly releases Van’s hand as he realizes he may have just accidentally confessed how much he’s been studying Van’s face and body. He can practically hear Axel laughing at him. “Uh, you want something to drink?” he asks to change the subject and quickly stands so he can leave the couch and stand in front of the fridge to cool off. He needs a cold shower.

“Sure,” Van says quickly. “I’ll drink anything.”

“Okay,” Isa replies and can still feel his face burning with embarrassment. His heart is jack rabbiting away in his chest and his hands shake while he grabs the water pitcher to pour them both a glass of ice water. Vanitas is painfully attractive and he has no idea why he feels this way because he hasn’t had a crush on someone in a _long_ time. Considering their start, the crush is even more of a mystery but he has no idea how to stop it now.

Isa returns to the couch with glasses of water which Van eagerly takes and starts to guzzle down. Isa sips his own water and an awkward silence falls over them with only the sounds of his dogs snoring while they nap on the couch between them. They both avoid eye contact and Isa can feel the tension rising in the room which is eating and lapping at his heels. He wants to pin Van to the couch and makeout with him but he has to hold back because they’re not dating. They’re just hanging out – like guys do.

“So, uh, do you play video games?” Van asks after some awkward silence.

“Me?” Isa asks. “Uh, no, I’ve never played a video game before.”

Van glances at him, face a mask of surprise. “Never?”

“Nope.”

“Wow… I’ve never met someone who’s never played a video game before.”

Slack seems to loosen between them and Isa feels more relaxed with the sensation. He can survive this interaction without feeling his underwear burn off. “What games do you like to play?” he asks, leaning his head on his hand with his elbow against the back of the couch casually.

“Uh, anything really,” Van laughs. He reaches up to touch his face but stops short which makes Isa feel proud. He’s learning.

“But what are your favorites?”

“Um, I love horror games,” Van replies. “Like Outlast, Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Until Dawn, stuff like that.”

“Why is that not a shocker?” Isa asks with a laugh. “Do you play happy games?”

“You scared of horror?” Van quips back.

“Maybe.” Isa laughs and feels his face turn red again. “I’m not _super_ afraid but I don’t like jump scares when I’m alone.”

“Fair.”

“So, happy games?”

“Uh, I like Pokemon and there’s this game I have on my PS4 called Slime Rancher? I did a let’s play episode on that which was fun. I should revisit that and do another episode if I have time,” Van muses.

“Not a scary game?”

“No, it’s cute. Do you have a computer? We could watch the first episode,” Van says. “I just made all of my videos private but they still exist.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll be back.” Isa hops up to grab his iPad which is buried in one of his bags, coming back over to sit closer to Van now, having to squeeze between the dogs and him.

Van takes the unlocked iPad to set the video up and Isa can feel his soul melting. He smells _good_. He hadn’t expected Vanitas to smell so good. He figured Van would smell like sweat or just deodorant but he smells faintly of a warm cologne. Almost beachy or tropical. Reminds Isa immediately of summer which is right around the corner and he can’t wait to go on vacation in a few weeks.

They pull up the video together and Isa can’t help but smile as he watches Van stream this ridiculous game about slimes. Van is surprisingly funny during his streams and his editing powers are impressive. With better lighting, Van could have a really decent channel going as long as he cuts the toxic BS out of his other videos. The game _is_ cute and Isa makes a mental note to go buy a PS4 so he can play this game himself even if he’s never played a video game or used a game system in his life.

“Cute,” Isa remarks when the video ends twenty minutes later.

“Yeah? It’s pretty fun,” Van admits. “I’ll have to play it again soon.”

“Please? I’d like to watch. You’re fun to watch when you’re not being a dick.”

Van blushes and ducks his head. “Okay, I’ll do it for you.”

“Well, don’t I feel special.”

“You are.”

_Oh dear God._

Isa’s face immediately turns red and he wishes his hair was down so he could hide. “I’m not,” he replies. “I’m just a regular guy.”

“Well, I think you’re special.”

“God,” Isa whispers. “Not making it easy on me, are you, Nitas?”

Van pauses and his face squishes as he thinks on the nickname so easily sliding out of Isa’s lips. “Nitas?”

“Sorry, it just came out.”

“I guess it’s alright,” Vanitas mutters and shrugs.

Isa smiles and leans over to place his head on Van’s shoulder casually. “Point is, you’re making me blush a lot.”

“Me making _you_ blush? Please.” Van snorts. “I’m nobody.”

Isa’s fingers twitch on his thighs and he realizes they’re thigh to thigh, he has his head on Van’s shoulder, and the summer smell is sliding up his nostrils. Van really out here making him completely weak. “You are though.”

“Shut up,” Van says and Isa laughs, finally lifting his head so they’re not touching too much.

“You wanna do facials?” Isa asks. “Relaxing day at Saïx’s spa?”

Van gives him a side-eyed glance but he just smiles brightly and eventually Van caves. “You tell anyone about this and I will come for you.”

“Trust me, you’re going to leave here feeling _so_ good,” Isa promises. He takes Van’s hand and lifts them both from the couch to drag him upstairs to his bedroom and bathroom.

“Whoa,” Van comments. “Your room is… not what I expected.”

Isa snorts as he looks over at Van staring at the décor of his bedroom. He looks like a stunned kid at Disney World, halfway between lost and amazed. Most people are confused when they come into his room because of how he dresses in real life and online. He’s always been a goth kid at heart but his bedroom looks as if Hello Kitty and Barbie pink made a lot of money off of him. His personality clashes horribly with his desired aesthetics.

The bedroom walls are baby pink while his bed and canopy are pitch black. The floors are light hardwood and his accessories are black – dresser, vanity mirror with a black laser-cut sign he had custom made to hang over the vanity in cursive reading _whore_ , and the door to his closet painted black. There is a pink fuzzy rug on the floor by the bed, a black chandelier hangs from the ceiling, and the bathroom door is also painted black like the closet door. The bathroom’s walls are painted the same pink with a black tub, black curtains over the windows, and a black toilet. He’d spent more money on his room and bathroom than he did on any other room in the house which includes the remodeled kitchen.

“Wow,” Vanitas says, eyes trailing up to the sign over his vanity. “You really have that hanging on your wall?”

Isa shrugs while he goes toward the bathroom to start pulling out everything they’ll need for a spa day. “I figure people are going to say it about me, may as well own it.”

“Why would someone say that about you?”

Isa snorts. “Well, why did you call me names earlier?”

Silence answers him but he doesn’t flinch from the conversation. He goes through his facial mask packets to find one good for oily skin and he lays out headbands and other items to really pamper their skin. He wants Van to go home smelling like a peach and being as soft as a baby’s butt. Vanitas eventually, comes to stand in the bathroom’s doorway, arms crossed over his chest and looking ashamed.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.”

“I said those things because I was mad at myself, not because of you.”

“Ding ding ding.” He bends over to grab a couple of more items. “People call me names because they’re mad at their own lives not because of me… but I own it.” He shrugs. “I know it’s tacky but it helps me deal.”

“I’m sorry people are rude,” Van mutters.

“I’m used to it. Internet fame comes with internet trolls.”

Vanitas shifts and tights his arms across his chest. “Right.”

Isa pauses, glancing over at Van out of the corner of his eye. He can see Van looking uncomfortable and worries he may have touched a bad nerve. “I don’t mean you,” he clarifies.

“It’s okay,” Van says. “I was a troll, I get it.”

“I mean, yeah.” He nods and pulls Van into the bathroom and makes him sit down on the toilet seat which is covered in a fluffy pink cover. “You were a troll – as in, the past. As in, not right now, right?”

“I guess.”

“No, you don’t guess.” Isa places a headband over Van’s head and shoves it up his forehead to keep his hair out of his face. “You _know_ you aren’t trolling and being nasty on the web anymore.”

“I’m trying,” he replies, voice soft and unsure.

“Hey, that’s all that matters.” Isa turns to look through his facial cleansers. “Did you cleanse and moisturize today?”

“Uh, yeah.” Van nods. “I put an alarm on my phone to make sure I do it.”

“Smart.” Isa smiles. “Trust me, it’ll become routine and you won’t need an alarm anymore. Well, even though you did it, I’ll still have you cleanse since we’re doing a facial mask. Rule one of skin care, if you’re doing a face mask always make sure to cleanse first.”

“I don’t think I’ll be doing facial masks,” Van mutters.

“You will if I have something to say about it,” Isa replies. “Okay, I have this cleanser that’ll be good for you. Come cleanse your face, pat dry, and I’ll do the mask.”

He steps back to allow Vanitas to go to the sink and wash his face while he sets up the mask. His eyes slowly shift over to where Van is bent over and he has to take a deep breath to steady his own nerves. Van has a cute butt – even though it’s hiding in baggy Tripp shorts.

“There, happy?” Vanitas asks when he’s done drying his face on a towel.

“Yes, now sit.” He ushers Van over to sit back down on the toilet, grabbing a silicone brush to start applying the facemask. “Let me know if this burns like at all, it’s meant for sensitive skin because I have super sensitive skin.”

“Okay,” Van replies and then proceeds to hold still which makes Isa smile. Absolute natural.

“This mask I’m putting on you is great for oily skin so it should help soak up some of those oils and you’ll notice your skin looking matte. You’ll be softer, too. This stuff also has vitamins and fruit extracts all that garbage – I mean it’s not garbage, I just don’t remember everything that’s in here.”

Van shuts his eyes when Isa places the mask on his forehead. “It feels good.”

“Good, no burning?”

“Nope.”

“Excellent.” Isa coats Van’s face and then turns to remove his own makeup, cleanse, and start applying a facemask.

“How long does it stay on?”

“Twenty minutes,” Isa replies. “Don’t worry, I’ve got a timer going. In the meantime…” He spins around and takes Vanitas’ hands to look over his fingernails. “Oh, yes, these coud use work.”

Van blushes and yanks his hands back. “Isa–.”

“No one will know, relax. Trust me, you will be so happy.” Isa sits down on the floor so he can start clipping Van’s nails, cutting them short and even, tongue between his teeth in concentration. “You have nice hands.”

Van blushes and coughs. “Thanks?”

“Long fingers.” He tries not to think about those extremely long fingers going to certain nether regions but he can feel heat building between his thighs. “Okay, nails clipped. Let me file and shape them.”

“Do you do your own nails?” Van asks while Isa quietly works on filing them.

“Me? Oh, no no. I go to a salon to get mine done. I’ve been seeing the same girl for a while. They’re pretty fucked up right now, I need to make an appointment to do them again, actually. I’m not sure what I want done, though. Might just do plain matte black. Go simple.”

“They look nice to me.”

Isa snorts. “You are _such_ a guy.” Nails filed, Isa turns to grab some nail polish remover to work on cleaning off Van’s nails and working quietly on cuticles. “They need redone, see how they’re grown out?” He holds out his hands to show the growth. “I usually just get them filled but I think I’ll just have them taken off and do a whole new set.”

“What are you gonna do to mine?” Van asks, only a little fear in his voice.

Isa smirks. “I was thinking just plain black will suit you nicely. What do you think?” He looks up at Van with as best as smile as h can make without cracking his facemask.

Van nods. “Sounds great.”

Isa nods and returns his attention to Van’s nails. Soon, they’ll be two new people.

* * *

 

Soft face. Clean nails. Clean hair. Legs shavd. Eyebrows tweezed.

He feels like a whole different person and even lets Isa take a photo – hell, Isa even manages to take one of him smiling and laughing. After he’s been pampered, Vanitas stretches out with Isa on his bed, while Isa answers emails and messages. He doesn’t mind since he wants to check Sora’s Instagram anyway.

A slew of new photos immediately pop up on Sora’s page and Van feels his heart ache. Splashes of color and plenty of new Disney memories; Riku and Sora in front of the castle both wearing Mickey ears, selfies at Animal Kingdom, selfies with Disney characters, photos of Riku looking a little green around the gills post some ride, plenty of aesthetic photos of their food and the Florida sunsets. He scrolls quietly through and likes all of them, wishing he could be a part of their outings just once.

“Have you ever been to Disney?” Van asks off-hand, eyes still resting on the photo of Sora and Riku in front of the castle.

“Which one?” Isa replies.

“Florida.”

“Yep. I’ve been to Disney Land more since it’s here in Cali but yeah I’ve been to both. Speaking of, I’m going to Florida this weekend, maybe I’ll go when I have free time.”

“Oh,” Van mutters.

“Why do you ask?”

“Oh, uh…” Van shrugs and sighs, eyes lingering on Sora’s Instagram. “My brother went with Riku and I was just thinking about it.”

“Yeah? You ever been?”

“Technically, when I was a kid but I got really sick and my parents sent me back to the hotel and I never got a chance to go back to the park,” he replies.

“You haven’t been back?”

“No.”

“You never went with your brother or family again?” Isa asks and he reaches over to rub Van’s calf which is closest to Isa’s hands.

“They didn’t want me to go,” he replies, voice morose and tired. They would have let him live in the basement twenty-four seven, three-six-five if they could have, he’s positive.

“Shit,” Isa whispers. “What the fuck, that’s so fucked up.”

“That’s my life,” he says, voice bitter and empty.

There is a long pause and Van assumes the conversation has reached its limit so he returns to scrolling his feed in silence. He likes all of Isa’s new photos on his main page, too. Part of him wants to message Sora but he’s too afraid to bother him so he holds back. _He’s better off without me anyway._

“I’ll take you some time,” Isa finally says.

“Hm?”

“I said, I’ll take you some time. To Disney… whichever one. You can pick or we can do both. We could go to Bat’s Day this year together if you want,” Isa suggests and he comes off so casual, Van almost believes him.

“Yeah, sure.”

Isa smacks his calf. “I’m serious. Come to Bat’s Day with me. It’s in May. I go every year, I make a little vide vlog of the day. It’ll be fun.”

“You sure?” Van asks and feels as if he’s standing on an uncertain precipice. The thought of Isa _wanting_ to go out with him somewhere in public people were most likely going to recognize him is insane.

“Yeah, if I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t have offered. You wanna go? If so, I need to pull strings to get tickets and stuff now.”

“Uh– yeah, I’d love to go.” He half twists his back so he can look back at Isa, so casual and beautifully fresh, naked face post their facials. Isa is so beautiful; with or without makeup, he is more stunning than a fantasy book character. Ethereal.

Perfect.

“Sweet, it’s May 9th so make sure to have that day off. We’re going the night before, though, so make it the 8th and 9th and I suggest taking the day after off, too. Trust me, you will thank me.”

Vanitas nods and shoots Demyx a text. Might be too early to ask for days off in May since it’s only just now the end of March but he may as well ask now.

_Vanitas: Is it too early to ask for time off in May?_

_Demyx: When?_

_Vanitas: May 8-10_

_Demyx: I’ll check when I’m in @ work. Can you come in tomorrow? Ik you’re not on schedule but I had someone bail for the morning shift._

_Vanitas: Uh what time?_

_Demyx: Be there by 7?_

7:00 would be pushing his limits but he doesn’t want to say no to an extra shift. He’d have to ask his mom for an early ride and if she says no, he’ll be walking.

_Vanitas: Yeah I’ll be there_

_Demyx: Sweet thanks man_

“Hey, um, Isa?”

“Yeah?” Isa asks and Van can tell by his tone he’s only half listening.

“I have to be at work early so I should probably go home soon.”

“Oh, fuck, okay. I can take you.” Isa shoves his iPad away and they both reluctantly head back downstairs where Van says good bye to Fish and Chips and they go back to his parents’ house. “I’ll be gone this weekend but, uh, we can hang out again sometime, right?”

Van nods, wishing he could lean over and kiss Isa good bye. “Yeah.”

“Good. See you, Nitas.”

Van ducks his head but he’s smiling. “See you, Isa.”

He follows the chain back to his parents’ porch but he can feel another string yanking on his chest to stay within Isa’s bubble. He waves on his way inside and feels a heavy wight slide over his shoulders as soon as he’s inside the house. The sounds of his parents both being home is enough to mak him creep down the hall and make his way toward the basment so he doesn’t disturb them. He’ll just walk to work tomorrow morning; no sense in bothering his mother.

“Vanitas,” comes his father’s sharp voice just as he’s about to step onto the basement stairs. _So close_.

“Yeah?” he asks.

“Where were you?”

“With a friend. I didn’t have to work today,” he clarifies and hopes his explanation suffices.

His father makes a nois which Van hopes means acceptance and he dashes down the stairs to smile at all of his packed belongings. He has yet to truly move back in but he can’t stop feeling happy for once. Seratonin floods his brain for the first time in what feels like years and he’s glad Isa is the one to light his brain up like a Christmas tree.

_Vanitas: Thanks for today Isa_

He’s so happy, he posts the selfies and pictures Isa took of him after the facial. He doesn’t care what people think bout him. If they want to call him gay for basic hygiene, their loss, he would rather be happy than maintaining some toxic image. He even decides to text Sora.

_Vanitas: Hope you’re having fun in Florida :)_

_Sora: Yeah! Disney was a blast_

_Vanitas: You and Riku having a good time then?_

_Sora: Yes_

_Vanitas: Good I’m glad_

_Sora: How are you?_

_Vanitas: Happy today_

_Sora: Yay!!_

_Vanitas: When are you guys coming back?_

_Sora: Soon, just in time for my birthday! :D Did you get me something?_

Vanitas’ eyes widen as he realizes their birthdays are soon. Sora, born on March 28th is technically first, and his birthday falls on April 1 soon after. Growing up, they’d had a lot of joint birthday parties, where the focus had always been on Sora in every capacity. His birthday had never been highlighted. In fact, he’s never really had a birthday party in his life. No friends to invite. His parents only focused on Sora.

The happiness he’d been feeling earlier quickly drains away like a boon popped free of air.

Everything is the same. Nothing has changed. Sora and his family would be happier without him in their lives. Isa wouldn’t have to hang out with him out of obligation. The world would rejoice the moment he ceases to draw breath. Tears fill his eyes and they leak down his cheeks in a steady stream while he tries to think of what he’ll buy Sora for his birthday.

_Vanitas: Not yet but I will :)_

_Sora: I’m so excited. We rented out the roller skate rink because how fun??_

_Vanitas: You did? When is the party?_

_Sora: The 30th it’s a Saturday_

_Vanitas: Oh_

_Sora: Did you not know? I told Riku to send out invitations_

_Vanitas: Must have gotten lost in the mail_

_Sora: Will you come?_

_Vanitas: I may have to work but idk yet_

_Sora: Well it’s from 5-10 so I’m sure you can come by!_

_Vanitas: Yeah sounds gr8 Sora_

_Sora: Yay! I gotta go, we’re going to dinner early and then a play_

_Vanitas: Ok have fun_

_Sora: Bye!_

Vanitas lets his phone slide out of his hand to rest on the mattress and tilts his head back against the basement wall. More tears make their quiet way down his face while he pictures every birthday party for Sora over the years. Disney World, the zoo, an indoor waterpark, a hug community scavenger hunt, and various theme parks and hotels. Mountains of gifts and so many kids to play with Sora. Even being autistic and different, Sora had always made friends everywhere he went.

Birthday cakes with Sora’s name on them and occassionally they would remember to add his name as a quick sloppy icing job but he’d never been allowed to have the first piece or blow out the candles. His birthday, April Fool’s Day, was a giant joke anyway.

Pain slathers over him like a thick, choking blanket. The world would be safer and better without him in it. The only thing keeping him going until his birthday this year is the promise of Bat’s Day with Isa and knowing he still needs to buy Sora a birthday gift. Even if he’s certain Sora doesn’t want him at his party anyway.

He grabs his phone and decides to pick a date on the calendar at random. His eyes flit over the days until he finds a date he likes. August 12th. He marks the date on his phone’s calendar and enters an event.

_Kill Myself_

August 13th, the world will be a better place.


	6. Chapter 6

Birthday parties have never been a favorite event for Vanitas. He’s never had one for himself and the ones he went to as a child were all obligation invites. When he finally reached middle school, people stopped inviting the whole class, and he had quit receiving invites. Afterward, the only parties he ever went to were for Sora. Even when he reached eighteen and older, no one ever bothered to throw him a party. Last year, on his birthday, he’d been sitting in Sora’s basement and eating nearly expired lunch meat while watching porn.

He shows up at Sora’s party late because he had to work all day and work left him grumpy and not feeling well. He also had never had a chance to buy Sora a gift because his paycheck had mostly gone to his parents. The last bits of money he still has left over is paying his cell phone bill and buying snacks. He shows up wishing he had something because Sora has an expectation for gifts at parties; his parents used to buy Sora gifts at other people’s parties because he would become jealous and upset. Showing up without a gift is the biggest sin in Sora’s eyes.

The roller rink is busy with plenty of people even though they rented it out for the party. Sora knows a lot of people and his gift table is a mountain. Vanitas walks in even though he’s almost stopped because he technically lacks an invitation. They eventually give up and let him in once he shows he’s Sora’s brother.

Speaking of, Van trails his eyes over the party-goers and picks out Sora quickly. He’s dressed in a golden crown and flashing accessories. Van snorts and slowly approaches where Sora is sitting with Riku while Riku is helping him take off knee pads and elbow pads.

“Sora,” Van greets, hoping Sora can hear him over the music.

Sora looks up and his face splits into a smile. “Hi!” he says, his eyes lighting up along with his face. “You made it!”

“Sorry I’m late,” Van says. “I had to come straight from work.”

“Did you bring a present?” Sora asks immediately.

Riku taps Sora’s knee as he takes off his second kneepad. “Sora,” he chastises.

“What?” Sora asks.

“What did we talk about earlier?”

Sora huffs. “Presents aren’t mandatory,” he mumbles and Van can tell he’s unhappy with this new line of thinking. “But did you?”

“No,” Van replies in shame. “I’m sorry, I didn’t have money to get you anything.”

Sora’s shoulders slump and he stands up once his feet are free of his roller skates. “Oh, well, that’s okay I guess.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes for a second time. 

“Did you get me a card?” Sora asks, pressing the issue. He stands up and starts to drag Vanitas off to a secluded party area where there are pizza and cake waiting. 

“No, Sora, I didn’t get you a card–.” 

“Why?” 

“I didn’t have time before the party–.” 

“But my birthday was on the 28th,” Sora points out, voice edging on angry. 

“Sora... “ 

“You had time to get me a card but you didn’t.” Sora turns and faces him, his face pouting and grumpy. “That hurts, Vanitas. We’re  _ brothers _ . I expected you to care more.” 

The urge to yell forms in Vanitas’ chest and he has to hold back from immediately tearing into Sora about how every year his birthday has been about him and no one else. They had joint parties but the parties were never about him or his birthday – just Sora. The perfect child. The loved son. He always found a way to bring Sora a gift or card on his birthday but this year he hadn’t had the time or money to buy something Sora deserved. 

Hearing Sora is angry hurts because he cares but sometimes things do not work out. He wishes Sora could understand. 

“I do care, Sora,” he says and tries to keep his tone calm. “I just didn’t have the money to get you something right now, okay? I don’t have a lot of money.” 

“You could have made something,” Sora snaps, heated. 

He sighs. “I didn’t think of that, I’m sorry–.” He pinches the bridge of his nose while he fights an oncoming headache. “Fuck, I should have just stayed home, huh? You’re being so difficult today.” 

“Difficult?!” Sora demands. “This is my party, Vanitas and you’re– you’re ruining it! You don’t have to be so grumpy!” 

The raging anger pounds along with Van’s skull and finally, he unleashes the levee. “ _ I’m _ ruining  _ your _ party?! Well boo-fucking-hoo, Sora! You are so  _ fucking _ selfish, you know that?! You’re twenty-five!  _ Grow up _ ! Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass, you would realize I’ve never had a party but have I ever complained? No, I haven’t. All you do is care about yourself and I know you’re autistic and you have trouble understanding social norms sometimes but it doesn’t really fucking excuse you for being an absolute egotistical asshole!” 

Sora freezes and stares at him with the deer in the headlights look but Vanitas feels his energy deflate faster than a flat tire so he storms away from the situation and heads outside to sit down out front of the rink. He drops onto the concrete, back pressed against the wall, and stares at the darkening parking lot. He’d only been able to come here at all because he’d managed to nab a ride from a coworker. As soon as he’s outside, tears slowly leak down his cheeks, and he wonders if God is about to smite him for being so openly rude to his brother. 

God wouldn’t be so merciful. 

HIs hands fly up to his face and he picks immediately, tearing into his skin until he can feel it break and bleed. He doesn’t stop until his fingertips are bloody and he has to wipe them on his jeans to remove the blatant evidence. The sky turns dark purple as the sun highlights between the clouds hot crimson They remind him of slashes on his own arms and the urge to cut becomes horrendously overwhelming. 

He plucks his phone out to find a ride home – there isn’t a reason to stay. 

_ Vanitas: I’m sorry to bother you but are you able to pick me up? _

_ Demyx: Hey man, where are you? _

_ Vanitas: roller skating rink for sora’s bday _

_ Demyx: Oh shit that sounds fun! Why you wanna come home?  _

_ Vanitas: We got into a fight so I just want to go home _

And die. 

Isa’s offer to take him to Disneyland isn’t really worth the trouble and pain anymore. His parents can find him when the house starts to smell and then they can throw him in a trash bag. Sora can rejoice and have his parties alone forever and always after. 

_ Demyx: Oh :/ Ok sure I’ll come get you _

_ Vanitas: Thanks _

He puts his phone away and starts to make mental plans on how to kill himself in the easiest and most efficient way possible. He doesn’t want to be a hassle even in death so using his dad’s gun is probably not the best option. There are plenty of pills upstairs but he would have to invade the main part of the house to find them. Probably cause a scene. He has razor blades somewhere in his belongings. No bathtub downstairs but the shower would do. He could sit at the bottom and let the blood wash away. 

Pain floods over him and pulls his phone back out to send Sora a text message. 

_ Vanitas: I’m sorry  _

_ Vanitas: I hope you’re having a great party. You’re not selfish. I was selfish. It’s always me. I’m the asshole. I’m so sorry Sora. I love you. I hope you can be happier soon. I won't be in the way anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t get you a gift but maybe this will be better _

He shoves his phone away again and waits for Demyx to pull up. He wipes his face and winces at the pain from his tears stinging his open wounds and the back of his hand comes away bloody. When Demyx does arrive, Van frowns when he parks and walks up to him, holding a big gift bag. 

“The fuck is that?” Van demands and stands up. 

“Birthday gift,” Demyx replies. “Can’t come to a party without a gift.” 

“We’re not going to the party. I thought you were taking me home,” Van shoots back. 

Demyx shrugs. “Changed my mind. C’mon, let’s go back inside so you two can make up.” 

“No.” 

“Don’t be a stubborn ass, Vanitas.” Demyx grabs his shoulder to steer him back to the front door. “You love Sora, you don’t want to fight over his birthday party. That’s just fucked up.” 

_ No, I want to go home and give him the best gift I can give him and everyone else, too.  _

He doesn’t speak and lets Demyx corral him back inside. They wander the room until they both find Sora sitting with Riku and Van hates to see his face so tear-stained. He put those tears there; he really is a monster. 

Riku stands up as soon as Van appears and stands between them. “Get out.” 

“Hey, hey,” Demyx says and holds up the gift bag. “Can’t go without giving the birthday boy a present, right?” 

“You can stay, he needs to go,” Riku replies, jerking his chin at Vanitas. His voice is colder than Van’s ever heard before and he’s so wide and angry, Van’s almost worried for his life. 

“What if Van is here to make up?” Demyx argues and hands Sora the gift bag. “Here, sunshine.” 

Sora sniffs and takes the bag to peek inside. “You got me Mickey socks and a shirt?” 

‘Yeah, man, I know you love Mickey Mouse,” Demyx says and smiles. “Right?” 

“Right,” Sora mumbles. 

“Sick party by the way.” 

Sora stands up and sets the bag down to give Demyx a hug and then turn sad eyes on Vanitas. “Can we talk?” 

“Sora,” Riku says in warning but Sora shakes his head. 

“It’s okay, Riku,” he says. 

Van nods and follows Sora back outside so they can talk in privacy and quiet. “Sora, I’m sorry,” he says immediately out of habit. 

“What do you mean you never had a birthday party? We had one every year,” Sora says, eyes narrowing but not in suspicion. He’s clearly confused not angry. 

“No, Sora,  _ you _ had a party every year. The parties were supposed to be “joint” but I was never included in anything. I never had gifts or cake with my name on it. I didn’t have friends at your party. I didn’t exist.” Vanitas turns away because he hates telling Sora blatant, cold truths from their childhood because he doesn’t want to ruin fond memories. 

“No, that’s not…” Sora pauses and Van can hear the wheels turning. “Oh my God.” 

“It’s fine,” he replies even when nothing is fine about how he grew up. He doesn’t want Sora to blame himself. 

“You… You've never had a party,” Sora whispers. “Not  _ ever _ .” 

“I don't have friends,” Vanitas replies swiftly. “It’s no big deal.” 

“Yes, it is! Vanitas!” Sora grasps his shoulder and turns him around. “I am selfish, aren’t I? I’ve never once thrown you a party or tried to make  _ your _ day special. I made it all about me. Always.” 

“I shouldn’t have said that stuff,” Van replies. “I’m sorry, Sora. It wasn’t nice.” 

“The truth isn’t always nice or neatly packaged, Vanitas.” 

Sometimes, Sora says things and is wiser than any other person in the room. Van feels the edges of his lips tug up in a smile but he tries not to be obnoxious. “I am sorry about what I said. I don’t want you to think I think you’re an asshole because I don’t. I know Riku’s probably pissed as fuck at me.” 

Sora shrugs. “I’ll talk to him.” 

“You don’t have to.” 

“Yes, I do because you were right. I was a jerk. I’m sorry.” 

Hearing Sora apologize brings him peace and quiet in his heart because he knows when Sora apologizes he always means it every time. “I love you, Sora.” 

“I love you, too,” Sora replies and opens his arms for a hug which is a first. The open invitation is sweet and Vanitas allows Sora to wrap his arms around him and they squeeze each other tight. 

“Want to go back inside?” Van asks, gesturing back toward the party. “I didn’t even get a chance to skate yet.” 

Sora’s face lights up in a huge, classic Sora smile and Van’s heart melts. He loves putting the 1000 watt smile on Sora’s face. “Yeah!” 

“Great.” 

Vanitas wraps his around Sora’s shoulder and pushes aside feelings of darkness. For now, he knows he can at least fake any feelings of happiness until they push through for real. for now, he can enjoy his time with Sora. 

* * *

 

“God, remind me to rent a truck on your birthdays in the future.” 

Sora tries not to laugh as he and Riku bring in the final load of gifts from the party. “I’ll give you a massage for helping me,” he offers but Riku shakes his head. 

“It’s your birthday, not mine.” 

“Technically, my birthday was two days ago,” Sora points out but Riku shrugs. 

“Birthday week.” 

“This is why we work.” 

Riku snorts but he finally goes to collapse on top of the couch which is currently present free. They dumped the gifts inside the front room but Sora knows he’ll have to go through them tomorrow to put everything in its new respective place. He steps over Riku’s outstretched legs and sits beside him. Silence befalls them quickly. 

On the way home, they fought more than once over how Vanitas treated him at the party but Sora still insists everything is fine. Van is right and he hates how right his big brother really is. All of his life feels a lot like a lie the longer he takes off the tunnel vision goggles and wears a magnifying lens instead. 

Every party he ever had in school had been a lie. 

A lot of how he grew up was probably a lie. 

“I know you’re mad at Vanitas but the only person who should be mad  _ is _ Vanitas,” Sora comments which he can tell will probably start a new fight but he’s ready to defend his brother until he’s blue in the face or until Riku goes to bed whichever happens first. 

“He shouldn’t have talked to you that way,” Riku says immediately. “I don’t want to get into this right now, Sora. I’m tired.” 

“I want you to stop thinking you know what’s best for me!”

“Sora–.” 

“No, you never want to  _ hear _ me, Riku! You never hear what I have to say. You just talk over me and think you know what’s best. You don’t always know what’s best!” Sora glares over at him and wishes, for once, Riku would just  _ hear _ him. 

Just one time. 

“I’m so fucking tired right now, Sora, I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with it when you’re like this.” Riku pushes himself upright but Sora follows because his anxiety swiftly spikes at Riku’s words. 

“What do you mean, when I’m “like this”?” he demands. 

Riku starts toward the kitchen but Sora keeps up so they’re both in the same room. His eyes fall on how Riku walks to the fridge to find a bottle of water and he says nothing which only frustrates Sora more. If he wants to talk, he wants to  _ talk _ , not exchange passive-aggressive stances for an hour. 

“Riku!” 

Riku sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Sora, I love you but you are too gullible sometimes. Vanitas has never been good to you and he’s always looking for a way to worm his way back in and I’m tired of him using you. I do this because I care about you. Even when you can’t see that. I put up with a lot and I’m asking you to drop this until.I can focus better.” 

“You mean until you can find a way to stop me from arguing,” Sora snaps. “You know, you can just sleep on the couch then.” 

“Gladly.” 

The icy words leave a wound and he has to reach over to grab a smooth pebble from his stem bowl to rub on his bottom lip. A panic attack brews in his chest but Riku apparently is too tired to deal with him when he’s  _ like this _ . 

“You don’t know everything, Riku,” Sora says after a moment of quiet. “You think you do but you don’t. You think you know everything about me and what is best for me but only I know what is best for me.” 

“You think you know what’s best for you which is what gets you in trouble, Sora,” Riku replies and his voice slides into his  _ teacher _ tone. The kind of voice he uses for kids when they don’t understand something important but he is going to try and break it down for them. 

Sora glares but his pain and anxiety are quickly surmounting. “ _ I _ know what is best for me! And telling Vanitas I am sorry and asking him to forgive me is what was best!”

“He treated you like garbage.” 

“He apologized!” he shrieks. 

Riku looks over at him and shakes his head slow – like he’s sad and finds Sora pathetic. Poor small, naive Sora. “I’m going to bed.” 

“I want to talk!” 

“And I'm going to bed.” 

“Riku!” 

“I still love you even when you’re like this.” 

The words put a stopper on their entire conversation like he threw the brakes at 90 miles per hour. Sora stares at him, speechless, while he goes to make a bed on the couch. Once Riku is gone, Sora sinks onto the chair and starts to panic and cry. The breakdown is imminent but he can’t believe Riku turned him into the patient. 

A person afflicted by some disease which needs fixing – Riku’s always viewed his autism as something which needs to be addressed and fixed like an illness. He’s always made excuses for Riku in the past and assumed he would learn. He knows Riku likes to have control over the things he feels will keep his life together. He knows Riku has a certain way of thinking and doing. 

He also knows he loves Riku and is willing to put up with Riku’s misguided thinking while he learns. 

However, this is different and Sora can feel himself tipping over. 

Tears fill his eyes and he tries to play with beads and touches other textures in an attempt to self soothe but he can hear the sobs wrench out of him slow and broken. Riku returns to the kitchen moments later, face a mask of alarm. 

“Sora,” he says. “Hey, Sora-–.” 

Riku tries to touch him but he shoves Riku away and crawls under the kitchen table to hide, curl up, and cry. Mental breakdowns are not exactly how he wanted to spend his birthday weekend but all he can hear in his mind is how Riku views him like a disease. He loves him even when he’s  _ a certain way _ and he feels broken knowing Riku probably views himself as someone on a pedestal for loving an autistic person. 

He thinks of every way Riku probably wishes he were normal; no stimming, no need to repeat words and phrases, no unnecessarily long hugs or missed social cues. They could live as a normal couple, instead of constantly traveling and doing things related to autism. Maybe he could have a regular job instead of being an ADD, dyslexic idiot. Maybe he could have gone to college and done something with his life. 

Riku probably wishes he could love a normal person but prides himself on loving him even when he’s  _ like this _ . 

The panic and pain escape him in nonverbal noises which immediately shame him further. until he’s completely silent. Riku begs him to come out from under the table but he sits, rocking back and forth, and wishing he could stay here forever. He wants to speak but he can’t find the words. His voice is trapped inside and even when Riku offers him paper, he can’t put the words inside to pen. He’s too upset. 

“Sora, please, it’s alright,” Riku begs which only makes everything worse. Hearing Riku panic and spiral makes him feel extremely insecure. Soon, Riku will tire of him and stop loving him completely. He’ll be alone because he kicked Vanitas out. 

At least, Vanitas loves him for him. 

Van never saw him as someone who needed fixing. 

“I’ll be back, Sora,” Riku says and goes to stand in the doorway of the kitchen on his phone. Probably calling his parents because he has no idea what to do. Sora only feels worse. 

He’s a handful and Riku will soon dump him when he tires. A new wave of sobs hits him hard at the thought. He doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want Riku to dump him like the Tuesday morning trash. He wraps his arms around his knees and pulls them to his chest. Silence finally befalls the kitchen. 

Time slips through his fingers until he’s surprised to see a familiar face at the end of the table, sitting on the floor so call and at ease. 

Vanitas. 

Riku called Vanitas. 

“Hey,” Van says with a soft smile. “You know, it’s your party and you’ll cry if you want to is just a song. Don’t need to take it so literally.”

Sora pauses while he digests Van’s words and he laughs after. “What are you doing here?” He asks, voice still jumbled but he hopes Vanitas can understand him. 

“Riku said you were upset. Come on, let’s go sit outside.” Vanitas offers his hand and sora debates on staying where he is but he can also see Riku’s feet in his peripheral. He doesn’t want to talk around Riku. 

With Van’s help, Sora climbs out from under the table and follows him out to the backyard. They both go sit in the grass and Sora immediately starts to rip the blades free to keep busy. 

“What happened?” Van asks after a beat. 

“Riku said he loves me even when I’m “like this” and… I just feel like a patient. Like someone who needs fixing. Like he’ll only tolerate me for a little while.”

“I’m sorry, Sora,” Van says. “I know Riku has a hard time figuring out what to say and how to say it.”

“He’s  _ stupid _ ,” Sora replies viciously. 

“Sora.”

“He is!”

Vanitas reaches over to pluck a fuzzy dandelion free and blow the white petals until they float away. They used to do this all of the time as children. Some of his fondest memories happened in the backyard. “I think you need to decide if you want to keep teaching Riku or decide when enough is enough.”

Tears fill Sora’s eyes because he knows Vanitas means breaking up. “I  _ love _ him,” he says and feels his heart and voice break. 

“I know you do but he doesn’t love you the way he should. He loves the idea of you. I don’t know if he knows how to love the real you.”

The overwhelming notion Riku only loves a concept of him makes him curl up on his side and sob. Vanitas rubs his back gently but he can’t stop crying. 

“I love him, I love him, I love him,” he whispers. 

“I know it hurts. You need to really talk to him, okay? A serious grown-up talk.” Vanitas’ fingers slide into his hair to pet and soothe. 

Serious grown-up talks aren’t fun but Sora knows they have to happen. He stays still for a while, letting Van pet the anxiety and fear away until he can sit up. He asks Vanitas to wait outside and manages to walk back into the house. Riku is sitting at the kitchen table, tears running down his face, and looking distressed. 

He hates seeing Riku so upset. 

“Sora?” Riku gasps. “Are you okay?”

“No,” he says in a firm voice. “No, Riku, I’m not okay. I’m mad. I’m mad and upset and tired.”

“Of what?”

“ _ You _ ! You’ve been my friend and boyfriend for a long time. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for you to understand that  _ I am autistic _ and I am  _ not _ ashamed of it! I’m not a disease that needs fixing. I’m not a diagnosis. I’m Sora Tetuanui and I am happy with who I am. Why can’t you be?”

Riku stammers and tries to collect his words but Sora can tell he’s left him stumped. “I just want what is best for you-“

“Then  _ listen _ to what I say!  _ I know _ what is best for me! I'm the only one who can know what is best for me because I am me. I’m not an invalid, Riku. I’m autistic but that doesn’t mean I can’t know what I want.” Sora wipes his face so it’s not so wet even though he hurts and bleeds inside still. 

“I’m sorry,” Riku whispers. 

“I’m glad you’re sorry but sorry isn’t good enough.” Sora shakes his head and wishes being an adult didn’t hurt so much. “I love you but I don’t think you love me. Not  _ me _ . You love the idea of me and controlling me but you don’t love me.”

“Sora-.”

“I think it would be best for us to take some time apart,” he says which is the hardest thing he’s ever had to say. “Just for a bit. You can figure out what you want and I can figure out if I can put up with teaching you.”

Watching Riku’s face shift and fight back a wave of tears hurts but he stands his ground. Eventually, Riku nods and stands up, his face blank. Sora stands still and quiet while Riku looks lost and he goes to the front of the house. The front door opens and closes and when Riku is gone, Sora almost collapses. 

He’s done a lot of hard things in his life but nothing as difficult as having to tell Riku he wants to time to decide if they should break up. Vanitas makes his way back inside and holds his arms open for a hug. Sora eagerly sinks into the offer and sobs in his chest. 

“It’ll be okay,” Vanitas whispers. “It’ll be okay.”

_ No _ , Sora wants to sob.  _ It won’t.  _


	7. Chapter 7

Twenty-seven. 

He made it another 365 days around the sun. 

Vanitas stares up at the ceiling of the basement and is glad Demyx gave him the day off but at the same time, maybe he should have gone to work anyway. He doesn’t exactly have plans or friends to hang out with today. Van sighs and pulls out his phone to go to Saïx’s Twitter and check for updates. He tweeted about his plane ride and a photo of himself at Disney World but nothing else. 

Switching to Isa’s Instagram, Van scrolls through until he sees the closest to a nude he can find. Sure, the good bits are covered with those emoji stickers but he has a decent imagination. He traces his thumb over the screen and he can envision Isa’s soft skin under his fingers. He groans and rolls over on his stomach, rocking his hips against the scratchy sheets. His cock hardens and throbs as he stares at Isa’s face. 

The hint of a nude here makes him wonder if Google has a bigger treasure trove so he decides to be nasty and find out. 

_ Saïx nudes  _ he types into the search bar. 

Google definitely delivers. Van moans out loud when he pulls up the uncensored version of the photo on Isa’s Instagram. Bare from head to toe and with the softest chest he’s ever seen, Van pants and rocks his hips faster. He presses his forehead to the pillows, moaning and picturing Isa beneath him, wet and whining with his legs spread. Praising him for fucking him _ so good _ and for being the best lover he’s ever had. 

_ “Fuck me, Vanitas, your cock is so big. I want it so bad.”  _

Vanitas whimpers, eyes screwed shut while he shakes the mattress in desperation. He tries to be quiet so he doesn’t alert his parents to his morning tryst so he buries his face in the pillow to moan and drool on it instead. His eyes shoot back up to scroll through more photos and he’s surprised to see Isa must have done a nude shoot with Axel at some point. His eyes roll back when he sees a shot so pornographic he decides to be a nasty boy and zoom in so he can have a better look at Isa’s pussy. 

“Fucking Christ, Isa,” he whispers, reaching down to stroke his dick fast and hard. He grunts and moans, turning his camera on to take a video when he cums, painting the bed and sheets with a thick load. “Look what you make me do, Isa.” 

He has Isa’s number and desperately wants to send the video – rip off the bandaid but it would be rude to send without Isa’s permission. 

He stares at the video and watches it but starts to critique everything about his own body even in the shitty light from the basement. There’s definitely a  fucking  _ zit _ on his cock which is gross and he hasn’t been working out so his stomach is softer and he definitely doesn’t “manscape”. Isa would probably throw up a little at the video and the pleasure of the orgasm fades away in place of self-flagellation. 

He throws the blankets off of his body and angrily leaves his phone on the bed so he can shower. He’s done his best to wash his hair only a few times a week and the new routine has helped but he steps in to scrub his whole body and hair all over until he’s pink and raw Never should have looked up Isa’s nudes without asking; he’s a disgusting pig and adds this on the list of reasons he should die. 

Soon. 

Only a few more months. 

Once he’s clean, Van finds some clothes and dares to go upstairs as quick as possible. His mother is in the kitchen and her friends are at the table, which he is fast to make them all shriek in surprise. He startles, too, and almost runs away in fear because he should have made sure he was alone first. At least, he’s dressed and not naked. 

“Oh, Vanitas,” his mother gasps. “You frightened us.” 

“Sorry,” he mumbles. “Was just looking for something to eat.” 

“Who is this, Sefina?” a blonde asks, her eyes on him with suspicion. 

Ah, yes, no one would know about him. He snorts and goes to open the fridge, eyes scanning for lunch meat or something he can eat quick and cold. 

“Oh, Karen, this is my other son. Vanitas.” 

So, she admits it. Wild. 

“Oh, well, he’s…. Tall,” she says slowly which almost makes Vanitas laugh out loud. He’s not tall but he’s fairly certain she wanted to say handsome and stopped herself. They all know he’s an ugly pig. 

His mother doesn’t respond because everyone can hear the faux pax. He finally finds some ham and grabs the package to take downstairs. Another apology and he makes his way down quick so they can go back to socializing and he’s not interrupting. He snorts as he thinks on how Karen will be quick to either change the subject or privately amend her statement. 

_ Tall _ . 

Yeah, right. Only in his dreams is he tall and even then not usually. 

He sits down at his desk to start up his desktop and frowns when he notes there is a text from Sora on his phone. 

_ Sora: Hi!!  _

_ Vanitas: Hi?  _

_ Sora: Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _

Vanitas snorts. Right. April 1. Today is the day. He almost forgot, which is sad because he knew it this morning. 

_ Vanitas: Thanks _

_ Sora: Can you come over later? I need some help putting something together. Please? _

_ Vanitas: I guess? When? _

_ Sora: Like 1? Please? _

_ Vanitas: I’ll have to get a ride or are you coming to get me? _

_ Sora:  Oh right duh I’ll come get you :)  _

_ Vanitas: Ok  _

_ Sora: See you soon! _

_ Vanitas: Yep _

Van rolls his eyes because there goes his day of doing nothing but jacking off and trying to think of an excuse to text Isa. He scrolls through Tumblr, Twitter, and YouTube while staring blankly at the computer screen and debates on sending Isa a message but can’t think of an excuse. Twitter populates the birthday balloons which he screencaps and puts on Twitter even if he knows no one will tell him happy birthday online. He’s sure he’ll receive death threats, though. Always those. In fact, his DMs still have a few he hasn’t opened and read yet. He’ll save those for August 12th so he can  _ really _ make himself pull the trigger. 

_ @voidXgear: 27 today lol does it get better from here or is it all downhill?  _

He’s pretty sure it’s all downhill. 

He’s ready to shut Twitter off when someone pops up into his mentions. 

_ @SAÏX: happy birthday!!! xoxo sending you love today and it’s only uphill from here :)  _

Fucking Isa. 

Always positive, Vanitas has no idea how he stays so happy all of the time. 

_ Isa: Hey happy birthday : ) Sorry I can’t be there :(  _

And now a text. Vanitas’ heart skips a beat and he has to take a breath to stay calm. 

_ Vanitas: It’s ok you were busy and you didn’t know _

_ Isa: 27 huh? Lol I’ll be 27 on August 13 _

The date stands out so harsh against everything else and Vanitas has to remind himself to take a breath. August 13th – the day after he planned on dying. He shoots his eyes upward to the ceiling in confusion. Is this some stupid sign from a higher being telling him to hold off? 

_ Vanitas: August 13? _

_ Isa: Yeah _

_ Vanitas: Oh _

_ Isa: I’m a Leo rawr ;)  _

_ Vanitas: I’ll have to remember that then _

_ Isa: Well, I gotta go, sorry to cut us off quick like this. I’ll make it up to you  _

_ Vanitas: Oh. Ok  _

_ Isa: Ciao _

Van sighs once Isa is gone and he’s alone again. He stuffs some more ham in his face and waits for 1:00 to arrive before slowly going back upstairs to put the ham away. His mother has cleared out for the day and he’s on his way to the front door when he notes there is a brightly colored envelope on the counter. 

_ Vanitas _

Van cocks his head to the side and dares to open the envelope and pluck a card free. The card is covered in yellow stars with plain text on the front.  _ Son: We love you more than the stars in the sky and the clothes on your floor.  _ Van snorts and rolls his eyes, flipping the card over and checking the envelope for money. Hell, even twenty would be nice. Sora probably received money. 

He studies the card closer but it doesn’t open so he rolls his eyes and leaves it on the table. The thought should be what counts but considering he’s sure she probably just recycled a card unused for Sora’s birthday, he’s not impressed. The card isn’t even signed. The sound of Sora honking brings Van back to reality and he heads out to the car. 

“Hi!” Sora greets with a huge smile. 

“Hey,” he replies. “You okay?” 

“What?” 

“I mean… With Riku gone, are you okay?” Van rephrases. Maybe Sora will ask him to move back in. God, he hopes so – best birthday gift ever. 

“Oh… I miss him,” Sora admits, voice saddening. “Let’s not talk about that though. It’s your birthday!”

Van snorts. “I guess.” 

“Well, once we’re done with this, I’ll take you to dinner, okay?” Sora smiles and Van is touched at the thought even if it will just be the two of them. 

“Sure, Sora.” 

“Great!” Sora rushes them back to the house and Van is surprised by how quickly Sora runs inside. He’s barely out of the car before Sora is at the front door. He rolls his eyes and notes the street is full of cars. Someone must be having a party today. The weather  _ is _ nice and he can smell the scent of barbeque grilling somewhere. 

“Sora?” Van calls as he steps into the house. “Sora, where did you go?” 

“Kitchen!” Sora calls. 

Van rolls his eyes and shuffles down the hall, passing the living room and dining room on the way. His eyes fall on the familiar banister which would lead to the basement up ahead and feels his heartstrings pull. He misses living here. Two more steps and he rounds the corner to the kitchen and startles when a group of people all jump out shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY and he notes the kitchen and backyard are completely decorated with streamers, a sign, and the smell is coming from  _ their _ backyard. 

Sora jumps up front and he puts a birthday crown on his head. “Happy Birthday!” he says again while Van adjusts to seeing so many people at one time. “I had to plan an emergency surprise party. It was a lot of work.” 

“Sora…” He stammers, looking around in shock. 

Demyx, his boyfriend Vexen, Roxas, Axel, some people he recognizes as people Sora’s met over the years, and even his mom is amongst the partygoers. A frown creases between his brows as he notes Axel is here but Isa is not – as far as he knew, Axel was in Florida with Isa. 

“Surprised?” Sora asks after putting the crown on his head and handing him a party favor bag. 

“Uh,  _ yeah _ ,” Van replies, still taking it all in. “Wow, you did all of this for me?” 

“Mhm. Since Riku and I are fighting, I begged Dad to come over and use our grill. He’s out back doing dogs and burgers and brats. Your choice.” He smiles and then taps his nose. Van frowns and slowly turns when he sees something in his peripheral. 

“Told you I’d make it up to you,” Isa says as he rounds the corner with a smile more dazzling than the sun. 

Vanitas feels tears choke him but he holds them back so he doesn’t have a breakdown at his own party. “I thought you were in Florida,” he says. 

“I was but then I got this text about a birthday party and I love birthday parties.” Isa smiles and approaches, pulling him into a hug which is warm, relieving, and smells so good he feels weak in the knees. “So, we came back last night.” 

“You didn’t have to,” Van says quickly. 

“We wanted to.” 

He hugs Isa harder, squeezing him tight. “Thank you.” 

“Heard you’ve never had a party before so we better make this one a blast.” Isa ruffles his hair and holds out a bag. “Here, it was a last minute gift but I’ll get something for you later.” 

“You being here is definitely the perfect gift,” Van says and then blushes at the admission. 

“Wow, gay,” Roxas says but Axel rams his elbow into his ribs. “ _ Ow _ .” 

Isa rolls his eyes. “Ignore them. Open the gift.” 

“Right. Sorry.” Van sniffs and fights back a wave of tears by focusing on the gift bag. He plucks some pink tissue paper free and his eyebrows go up when he sees at the bottom of the bag some chocolate truffles and a card. “Candy.” 

“Yeah, well, like I said it was last minute. I hope you like truffles,” Isa says. “But Axel insists  _ everyone _ likes them.” 

“They do,” Axel pipes up while Van opens the card. 

The card is simple with a picture of a wet cat on the front. Van snorts and flips it open, completely missing the humorous message because he’s shocked by the contents. Sitting inside the card is a flight ticket to California and a ticket to Disneyland marked for May 5th. Beneath  _ those _ tickets is yet another plane ticket, this one addressed for Florida and another ticket for Disney World. The Florida flight is for June 5th. 

“What... “ Van whispers, looking up at Isa in confusion. 

“Well, Bat’s Day is May 5th,” Isa explains. “I said you could come and then I said I’d take you to Disney World, too. The Florida ticket can be changed, it’s just the next time I’ll be there. If you can’t get that time off.” 

Demyx peers over his shoulder to look. “I’ll take care of it.” 

“Demyx,” Van goes to argue but Demyx shoves a finger on his lips. 

“Who is the manager? Me or you?” 

He rolls his eyes but he clutches the card to his chest like precious jewels. He’s going to  _ both _ Disney parks with Isa. In the same year. Hell, within a month of each other. Emotions overwhelm him and he wants to kiss Isa on the mouth for being so sweet but Sora is coming over to be nosy. 

“This is Sora?” Isa asks with a smile. “It’s good to meet you finally.” 

“Oh, hi!” Sora says and then hugs Isa tight. Van is glad Isa seems okay with the hugging. “I’m glad you could come. I knew Van would like that.” 

“Well, let’s get this party started!” Axel announces and they all start to usher outside. 

Van is all smiles while they go sit out back and he’s soon sandwiched between Isa and Sora on the back porch swing. Sora is chatting Isa’s ear off so Van sits quietly and admires his flight tickets. They really are going to go to Disney together. For a moment, the depression fades away and he wonders if this is how normal people feel; the kind of people who don’t need serotonin in a bottle. 

Eventually, Isa is thankful when Roxas distracts Sora to come to hang with him and Axel so he’s left alone with Isa. Maybe Roxas likes him after all. 

“I’m glad I came,” Isa says while they drink whatever cheap booze is in cups. It tastes good and Van can feel himself becoming tipsy. 

“I’m glad you came, too,” he replies. “You look stunning. I like your new hair color.” 

“Oh. Thanks.” Isa smiles back and twirls his hair with his fingers. The color is a pastel purple with darker roots which somehow seems to work for him. “I just got it done.” 

“Looks nice.” Van keeps his hands to himself but he wants to play with Isa’s hair badly. “Looks soft.”

“You can touch it,” Isa laughs. “I don’t bite.” 

“Well, I don’t want to just be all in your business without your permission.” Van hesitates for a moment but eventually moves his hand out to touch Isa’s hair, petting and sliding his fingers through the silky locks. Softer than anything he’s ever touched. 

“Mmm, I like my hair played with,” Isa replies. “I don’t have anyone to do it these days so if I start nuzzling you it’s because I’m a desperate hoe.” 

He chuckles but the idea of Isa nuzzling and snuggling on him like a cat who wants attention is actually a great concept and he hopes he feels the need for pets soon. “I wouldn’t mind,” he replies and shrugs. 

Isa glances at him and there is a smirk in his eyes. “Good to know.” 

Silence settles over them and Van eventually stands up to bring food over to them both, bringing an assortment of party food so Isa can pick but not have to stand up to do so himself. Isa smiles big when he comes back with plates. 

“It’s  _ your _ birthday, not mine,” he points out. “I could have gotten my own food.” 

“You’re probably tired from your flight. I don’t mind.” Van sets the food down and Isa helps himself to a hot dog which sends Van’s mind flying into the gutter. God, he really needs to jerk off more. 

“Mmm, you’re gonna make a good boyfriend,” Isa hums and then they both freeze and look at one another. “Uh, you know, for someone. One day. Down the line.” 

The way Isa stumbles over his correction makes Van’s heart swell. Maybe, his crush isn’t so far fetched. “Well, I bet you’re a good boyfriend, too,” Van says, picking up a burger to eat. 

“Me?” Isa snorts and shakes his head. “No, man, I’m never home. I  _ suck _ as a boyfriend.” 

“You need someone to travel with you,” Van replies. 

“You’re living in a dream world, Van,” Isa says. “Travel is grueling as fuck and I don’t usually get to always do fun travel, you know? It’s just me, a conference room or warehouse, plus the airport hotel. I wouldn’t ask someone to do that with me unless they  _ wanted _ to, you know?” 

Van shrugs a little. “I still think you probably make a good boyfriend.” 

Isa taps his fingers on his thigh where he’s curled up on the swing in though. “Why?” 

Well, way to be put on the spot. “Um, you’re nice? And you’re attractive and you’re funny. You seem like an honest person.” 

“Sorry,” Isa says quickly. “I’ve just never had good relationships. I figure they’re my fault.” 

“Oh.” Van shrugs and picks apart his bun slowly. “I’m sorry you haven’t had good relationships in the past.” 

Isa shrugs. “What about you?” 

“What about me?” 

“Past relationships?”

Van laughs but there is no humor in his voice. “None.” 

“Never?” Isa looks surprised which is definitely two shades below confusing. 

“Uh, no, never.” 

“Not even in high school?” 

“Especially not in high school.” 

“Oh.” Isa scratches his temple while he ponders this information over. “I find that so hard to believe. You’re such a nice guy when you get beyond the bullshit you like to wear like armor.” 

Van shrugs. “Most people don’t want to get to know me. I don’t blame them.”

“I like getting to know you.” Isa sets his plate aside and looks over at the green lawn which is bright and ripe with life and flowers. “Do you want to go out sometime?” 

The question leaves him speechless and he stares at Isa with a blank expression for what feels like hours. Isa starts to say something else but the sound of everyone singing happy birthday interrupts him and Sora rushes over to drag him to the table so he can blow out his candles. The birthday cake is set in front of him and Van tries to concentrate on the event happening but he’s still playing Isa asking him out over and over like a song on repeat. 

A new favorite song. 

“Make a wish!” Sora instructs so Vanitas shuts his eyes and makes one. 

_ I wish this summer everyone of my friends and family finds peace and happiness. I wish Isa finds a good relationship, I hope Riku and Sora makeup, and I hope Demyx is happy, too.  _

He blows out the candles. 

“Yay! You want to cut the first piece?” Sora asks but his father shoos them both away to cut the cake himself. Van stands off to the side to wait. He takes the first and second piece, carrying them back over to his spot with Isa.

Isa’s face is a mask of embarrassment and he immediately starts to make excuses. “Look, I’m sorry if I’m misreading the situation. If you don’t like me, we can pretend this didn’t happen. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything like that–.” 

Vanitas takes a deep breath and decides to make a decision; maybe rash and haste but he leans down to kiss Isa on the mouth quickly, barely a peck, so he can at least shut him up and prove him wrong. Isa blinks and stares at him with wide eyes after the small kiss ends. “I like you,” Van whispers. “In case that wasn’t clear.” 

“Oh,” Isa whispers, his fingers brushing over his lips. “Okay.” 

“So, um, yes, I would like to go out sometime. On a date.” He adds the last part to be extra clear. 

Isa smiles and ducks his head shyly. “Okay, sounds great, Vanitas.” 

A date on his birthday. He has a real date.  _ A real date with Isa.  _ The most beautiful boy in the universe. Maybe, just maybe, this year won’t be so bad. Maybe, he can make it beyond August 12th. 

Maybe.

* * *

 

_ Isa: I don’t want to wait until May to have our first date. Do you want to go out with me tonight? If you can that is idk when you work  _

The text shouldn’t come as a surprise since he agreed to go out with Isa already but he still has to take a few deep breaths in order to stay calm regarding going on a date with Isa. A date. A  _ real _ date - not some trick played by the senior class. A real fucking date. 

_ Vanitas: I already worked today so I have tonight free  _

_ Isa: awesome  _

_ Vanitas: I would need picked up  _

_ Isa: that’s fine :) I can do that  _

_ Isa: is 5 ok for you? _

_ Vanitas: Yeah  _

_ Isa: great! I’ll see you @ 5  _

_ Isa: oh, dress is casual so dont feel like you have to look super nice or anything  _

_ Vanitas: got plans already? _

_ Isa: ;) I’ve got some ideas  _

A planned date; not something half-assed at the last minute. Isa has a plan. Van checks the time and decides to spend the next three hours showering, picking out an outfit, and trying to potentially style his hair. Isa said causal but even if it’s casual, he knows Isa will look like a fashion god. 

The only issue with Isa picking him up here is his parents are both home. Meaning, they’ll want to know where he’s going and who he is going with. God, he hopes he can sneak out without an interrogation.  

_ Doubtful.  _

Unfortunately, dating a fashion god when you’re a fashion disaster means going through every piece of clean clothing you own and realizing there is nothing to wear. Van sighs and sits on his bed, deciding on the gothiest jeans he owns – which will probably make Isa’s eyes burn out of his head since they’re from 2005 – and a blank tank top with an anime character on the front. He used to watch a lot of horror anime but it’s either wear a anime shirt or a metal band shirt with offensive imagery on the front which is definitely the only clean shirts he has right now. 

He really needs to buy new clothes. 

By the time 5:00 rolls around, he’s managed to scrape together the outfit, brush his hair in an attempt to style it in any way other than “messy” but it never cooperates.; at least, it’s no longer as greasy. He brushes his teeth three times and pops a few breath mints just in case. He even smudges on black eyeliner and adds a chain necklace and hopes he doesn’t look as disastrous as he thinks.  Spritzed on cologne and yanking on old vans, he makes his way upstairs just in time to hear the doorbell. Panic makes him run for the front of the house but his mom is already opening the door and he has to skid to a halt. 

“Hi,” Isa says and Van’s jaw hits the ground when he sees Isa in unbelievably tight black shredded leggings and a black destructed tunic which hangs off of his shoulder in the sexiest way Van’s ever seen. He never thought he’d be turned on by exposed shoulders but who is he to question the blessing. 

“Hello,” his mother says. “Isa, right?”

“Yeah, I’m here to pick up Vanitas?” 

“I’m here,” Van says and quickly rushes to the door, hoping he can extract them fast. 

“Oh,” his mother says. “Where are you two going?” 

“We’re just going out for a bit, Mom,” Van says. “I’m twenty-seven, I can go out with my friends.” 

“Where the hell you going?” his father asks as he rounds the corner. “All dressed up like that?” 

Van sighs. “I’m just going out with my friend, okay? Christ, you guys act like I’m going to go do drugs and knock over a liquor store.” 

His father looks him up and down and snorts. “You look stupid.” 

The words, unsurprising, still sting and he grabs his keys and steps out of the house without another word. He hears Isa say something to his mother but he can’t make it out because he’s rushing to Isa’s car. Of course, he looks stupid and he’s sure Isa will never want to talk to him again after this pity date. 

“Hey,” Isa says and Van turns around to look at him. God, he’s so fucking gorgeous. “Does your dad always talk to you like that?” 

Van snorts. “That was him being nice.” 

“Oh.” Isa shakes his head and opens the door for him. “You don’t look stupid. You look hot.” 

Vanitas coughs and turns away to slide into the car while his face turns six million shades of red. Only Isa can make him bush like this and so easy. He hates him for having such power. “No,  _ you _ look hot,” he says once Isa is in his seat. 

“Pretty sure I’m the one looking at you, so I’ll be the judge on how you look,” Isa shoots back. “And I say you look hot. Sorry, your dad is an asshole. Mine is, too.” 

Van shrugs. “I’m used to him being an asshole. At least he didn’t smack m in front of you.” 

Isa has to pause while he’s backing out of their driveway. “He  _ hits _ you?” 

Okay, maybe he said too much. Van tries to laugh it off, make it as though it’s no big deal but from the look on Isa’s face, he’s ready to stop the car and run back in there to have a personal fight. “It’s fine, okay?” Van asks. “I’ve had worse shit happen to me.” 

“Like what?” Isa asks and finally, they’re on their way to wherever Isa has planned this date. 

“Not exactly a romantic topic,” Van points out. “Or a first date topic… or really, an anytime topic.” 

“Right. Sorry. I wasn’t trying to pry and be an asshole,” Isa amends. “Let’s talk about our date. I thought we could go to the pier, get some food, and walk around on the beach. See the sunset, be super gay.” 

Vanitas laughs and covers his face as he thinks on having a really gay date with Isa. This is the first time he’s really allowed himself to _ be _ gay and the thought is terrifying but also exhilarating. He can be himself around Isa; no pretending, no faking, and absolutely no bullshit. Just Vanitas. 

“Sound fun?” Isa asks. 

“Yeah,” he replies. “It does.” 

“Great.” Isa turns on the radio and sings along which makes Van smile, feeling as if he’s entered a dream somewhere along the way. How could anything so pure and good happen to a piece of shit like him? He watches Isa sing and bop to the radio which is definitely the cutest thing he’s ever seen and he finds it adorable a goth like Isa enjoys pop music so much. 

“So, pop music, huh?” Van asks once they’re parked and start walking along the pier surrounded by shops and a myriad of smells from different food trucks and cafes along the strip. 

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Guilty pleasure.” Isa laughs and they walk side by side, almost hand in hand but not quite. Van’s palm itches and he reaches over to brush his fingers over the back of Isa’s hand. His nails are new, Van notices. They’re all black with different designs on the back in gold. 

“So,” Van says. “Where are we eating?” 

“There is this place further down the pier that sells these amazing fucking gyros and they’re  _ so good _ , I thought we could go there. They have outdoor tables and a little bar you can sit at, too, so I figure it’d be fun to enjoy the weather and eat. Talk.” 

“Okay,” Vanitas replies and blushes deep red when Isa finally takes his hand to hold. He hopes his palms aren’t cold and sweaty but Isa doesn’t pull away so it’s promising. 

“You ever had gyros before?” Isa asks. 

“No.” 

“Oh, God, they’re so good. My Yia Yia makes the best gyros but these are pretty close,” Isa says so casually Van has to take a moment to absorb everything. 

“Uh, what?” Van asks. 

“Oh, I’m Greek,” Isa says and laughs. “Sorry, I guess I should have said that first. Gyros are Greek. They’re like… tacos? But they usually have lamb in them. They use pita bread to wrap it all up and they have tomatoes, onion, you can get lettuce in them, and the best part is the tzatziki sauce.” 

“You’re Greek?” Van asks, absorbing one thing at a time. 

“Yeah. My last name is Kanakaris. My full name is actually Leta Isa Kanakaris but I go by Isa because I have no idea what the fuck my gender is these days,” Isa replies with a shrug. “I go by they/he most times but sometimes I’m cool with she? I don’t fuckin’ know.” 

Vanitas nods, trying to remember and soak everything like a sponge so he can make sure to never offend Isa on purpose again. “Kanakaris,” he repeats slowly, tripping over all of the k’s at first. 

Isa smiles. “Yeah.” 

“Do you have family in Greece?” 

“Yeah, my Yia Yia and Papou.” Isa points up ahead. “There’s the place. It’s  _ so good _ .” 

“Do you go there a lot?” Van asks, eyes on Isa instead of where they’re walking. He almost runs into a trash can but Isa manages to keep him from taking himself out. 

“Watch where you’re walking,” Isa chuckles. “And not as much as I’d like but I go there at least twice a year.  Usually at Christmas and I go over the summer, too. I love being over there in the summer months. It’s beautiful.” 

“Wow,” Van whispers. “That sounds awesome.” 

“It  _ is _ . Okay, so since you’ve never had gyros before, do you trust me? I’ll order for you and I swear you’ll be so happy,” Isa says. “If you don’t like it, I’ll get you something else.” 

“I trust you.” 

“Sweet. Get us a table? I’ll be right back.” 

Van nods and he goes to sit at a table in the corner under an umbrella, facing the beach so he can look over the ocean and the people enjoying the sand and salt. His fingers drum over the table and he fights the urge to check his phone since he’s not going to have anything to look at anyway. Isa returns a while later with a tray full of food and he sets the gyros down along with fries and drinks. Van feels his mouth water but he hasn’t had anything to eat since this morning. 

“Dig in,” Isa says while he picks up a gyro to set on his plate and dump a few fries out to go with it. “Oh, I just got us lemonade. I wasn’t sure what you wanted to drink.” 

“Lemonade is good,” Van replies. “So, tell me more about Greece?” 

“Well, my family lives in Santorini. All of the buildings are whitewashed with a lot of blue accents. It’s… it’s honestly beautiful. A tourist trap but fucking beautiful. My Papou was a fishmonger, he’s retired now, and my Yia Yia runs the house. My cousins and aunts live there, too so they’re over at their house a lot. Always family around. My grandmother would take one look at you and say, ‘He’s too skinny, Isa, we need to fatten him up’.” Isa laughs and the sound is so pleasant, Van feels his heart melt. 

“I’m not  _ that _ skinny,” Van replies. 

“My Yia Yia thinks  _ everyone _ is too skinny. You could be overweight and she’d still insist you were too small, trust me. My parents came over to the states after I was born because they wanted me to live a “better” life.” Isa pauses to use air quotes and suck down some lemonade. “Now, we don’t talk.” 

“Your parents and you?”

“Yeah… My dad was obsessive about success and money. No matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. I make more money than he does and it wouldn’t be enough.” Isa rolls his eyes and picks at his gyro with sad eyes. “My mom and I haven't talked in years. She didn’t like that I wasn’t her “little girl” anymore and when I came out to her as a gay trans, nonbinary person she lost her shit. So, yeah, I’m not on speaking terms with them right now.” 

“I’m sorry,” Van whispers. 

“Eh, it’s whatever. I’ve got my grandparents. I take care of them but they can’t  _ know _ I’m taking care of them because they wouldn’t ever let me use my money on them. We have this weird system in place where they think they’re earning like extra assistance or something. It doesn’t matter to me, I just like to make sure they want for nothing.” Isa finishes off his first gyro and Van realizes he’s hardly touched his own at all. He’s been too captivated listening to Isa’s stories. “Aren’t you hungry?” 

“Sorry,” Van says and finally takes a bite. Lamb is… different but he eats it down anyway. 

“Anyway, my Yia Yia would love you. My Papou is picky and doesn’t like any of the boys I bring home because he wants me to marry a nice Greek boy and have Greek babies.” Isa snorts and laughs. “He has no idea I got my tubes tied when I was twenty-one.” 

Van’s eyebrows shoot up. “You what?” 

“I didn’t want kids. I wanted an entire hysterectomy but I couldn’t find a doctor who would remove my fucking uterus entirely so I just finally found a surgeon to tie my tubes so I couldn't get pregnant.” 

“Oh.” 

Isa shrugs. “I haven’t told him and I don’t intend to. The only people who know are me, you, and God I guess. And the guys I let raw me but I haven’t had sex in like over a year, which is  _ so _ long when you’re a thot.” 

Van snorts and covers his mouth so he doesn’t laugh too loud. Isa being a self-proclaimed slut is the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Somehow, he’s not surprised. “Wow,” he replies. “Sounds serious.” 

“God, it really is.” Isa grabs another gyro. “When as your last time?” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Oh, sorry, is that too personal? Sometimes I forget not everyone is so open about their sex lives. Ignore me.” 

Van tries not to laugh but it comes off bitter and a tad hysterical. “I’ve never had sex,” he says. 

“Never?” 

“No.” 

“ _ Really _ ?” Isa looks surprised which Van doesn’t quite understand since he already said he’s never been on a date prior to this either. 

“I’ve never dated, what makes you think I’ve had sex?” Van quips. 

“You can have sex and still not have dated,” Isa points out. “You’re a really attractive guy, I figure you would have had sex at some point. Not even het sex with a girl?” 

“No,” Van says firmly. “Never. The only thing I’ve splooged on is my fucking sheets, okay?” He doesn’t mean to become defensive but he’s tired of talking about his pathetic life. 

Isa hums and finishes off his second gyro, patting his stomach. “Fuck, I’m full.” 

“That’s it?” Van asks as he works on his second, too. “You didn’t even eat your fries.” 

“Hey, this body doesn’t come by accident,” Isa replies. “I have to work for this ass and these thighs.” 

“You’re not one of those models who starve themselves, are you?” Van asks. The idea of Isa starving himself to be beautiful is too sad to consider so he hopes that isn’t true. 

“No,” Isa snorts. “No, I watch what I eat but I  _ do _ eat,” Isa says firmly. 

“Good. Okay.” Van blushes and picks at his fries. “Sorry.” 

“You don’t have to be sorry. Besides, I want to save room for dessert. There’s this place that makes sea salt ice cream and it’s very good.” Isa smiles and Van admires how his dark lipstick hasn’t budged even with eating gyros and drinking lemonade. 

“Did I tell you that you’re beautiful yet?” Van asks and he watches Isa’s cheeks darken under his makeup. 

“Uh, no, you didn’t.” 

“Well, you’re really beautiful.” Vanitas blushes and finishes off his fries and final gyro. They’re really good and he’s glad Isa shared his culture. 

“I’m alright,” Isa replies. 

“Beautiful.” 

“Shut up, Nitas.” 

He smiles and Isa smiles back. They both lean across the table and they’re so close, Van can see flecks of gold in Isa’s green eyes. His eyelashes are so long and full, Van feels his heart palpitate. They’re so close, he could lean over and kiss him but he pulls back before they can. 

“So, um, dessert?” Van asks, rubbing the back of his neck with his eyes down. 

“Yes,” Isa says. “Let’s go.” 

They both pull apart like shrapnel and start down the pier again, hands brushing until Van shyly links their fingers together. Isa picks up the chitchat easily, discussing music, family, and light topics like fashion and holidays. Van is infatuated with him throughout the conversation. Anytime Isa laughs, he feels like bells are going off and they share a huge ice cream which tastes extremely good. He lets Isa have most of it, too, since he seems in love with the flavor. 

The sun starts to go down and they sit down to watch the sunset on the beach, enjoying the sand and the disappearing crowd. Their hands find one another and Van is more interested in watching the crimson and orange light making Isa’s skin glow than the sky but he can’t help but find Isa more beautiful than any sunset. The ocean waves are their lullaby and by the time the sky turns darker with stars and the moon, Isa has his head on Van’s shoulder and they’re close and cuddly. 

Van slides his arm around Isa’s waist and finally, Isa looks at him and they kiss. Isa’s lips are as soft as they look. Isa’s tongue brushes against his mouth and he lets him in, almost moaning in pleasure when they deepen the kiss. Isa’s hand cups his face and Vanitas feels his entire body melt into Isa’s touch and into the kiss which is quickly turn ing into making out. He’s really going to make out with Isa on the beach. When Isa sinks them down onto the sand, Van’s heart is pounding hard and fast while he’s lying half on the sand and half on Isa. 

“Fuck,” Isa whispers. “Sorry. I’m being such a slut right now but I want you to play with tits so bad.” 

Vanitas feels his face turn red and his fingers twitch as he remembers Isa’s nude photographs from the other day. Now he has the real thing in front of him and he’s embarrassed. “Uh…” 

“I know, I’m sorry.” Isa pushes him back and sits up. “Sorry. Sorry. Ignore me, it’s the ice cream talking. I’m all good.” 

Van nods and they sit in silence for a moment. He worries there is a wall between them now so he wracks his brain on how to distract them and send them back to having a good time on their date.  “Uh, have you ever been to Cid’s place?” 

“Who?” Isa asks. 

“Cid’s Place… It’s an arcade. I go there a lot. It’s not far from here.” Van points to the rotating neon sign in the distance on the pier. Flashing green and yellow, the arcade’s sign is hard to miss. 

“Oh,” Isa says, pushing his hair out of his face. “No, I haven’t been there.” 

“You want to go? My treat?” Van offers his hand and Isa slowly accepts. 

They both stand and rush up the bank of the beach back to the pier and Van guides Isa to the arcade. He used to go a lot more but he’s held the top scores for so long, he hasn’t come in to try to beat himself. Cid is there, as always, chewing bubblegum and looking crotchety which is his usual disposition. Van leads Isa up to Cid where he’s behind the counter which contains the magical cards they can insert into the machines. 

“Hey, Cid,” Van says and Cid slowly glances up from his magazine. 

“Vanitas? Shit, son, you haven’t bee here in ages. Thought you were too bored to show up anymore. S’good to see you.” Cid claps Van’s shoulder. “Who’s your friend?” 

“This is Isa… Isa, this is Cid. I’ve known him for years.” Van smiles and Isa offers a hand to shake. “Can we get some cards to play?” 

“Sure thing.” Cid winks and passes them over some black arcade cards. “Have fun.” 

“Thanks.” Van smiles and picks them up so they can find a game to play. 

“Wow,” Isa says. “I feel like we just participated in a drug deal.” 

Vanitas laughs. “Yeah, I always get the best stuff so I can play and beat the top scores. It makes the kids here want to beat me, I guess… I think Cid just feels sorry for my loser ass. What do you want to play first?” 

“Well, I’ve never played a video game before,” Isa reminds him. “So, you pick. But pick something easy since I’m a video game virgin.” 

Van snorts. Video game virgin. He wonders when the last time Isa could call himself a virgin was – from his display on the beach, Van has a feeling Isa hasn’t ben a virgin for a  _ long _ time. “Well, Pacman is pretty classic… It’s not  _ easy _ per se but it’s definitely a classic game.  There are some racing games which are two players. Um, there’s DDR but that’s hard if you’ve never done it.” 

“DDR?” Isa asks. 

Van glances at him and wonders if Isa has lived under a rock his entire life. “Dance Dance Revolution? What fallout shelter are you from, man?” 

Isa blushes and waves his hand. “I just never grew up with games, sorry.” 

“Okay, let’s go play a racing game. You can get your feet wet and then I’ll challenge you to DDR.” 

“You’re on. Just so you know, I am  _ very  _ competitive.” 

“Yeah?” Van asks, leading Isa over to a basic racing game. “Well, so am I.” 

Isa shoots him a smirk and Van feels his heart race while he inserts the card so they can play each other. Isa picks some ugly blue car but Van’s played this game a million times and knows every cheat. However, since this is Isa’s first time playing, he chooses a basic track and decides not to cheat. His heart pounds hard and fast as they compete and he’s happy when Isa beats him. 

“Ha!” Isa shouts. “I kicked your ass”

“Beginners luck,” Van quips back. “Okay, I popped your video game cherry. You wanna see DDR? I think you’d like it.” 

“Yeah,” Isa says. 

Van offers his hand to lead Isa through the arcade back to DDR. He’s surprised but also happy to see someone already playing. Van nods to the player and lets Isa watch for a while. The kid eventually turns to look at them, panting a little from his last song. 

“You guys wanna play?” he asks. 

“I don't mind watching,” Isa says quickly. 

Van rolls his eyes. “He wants me to play.” 

“I’m Joshua,” the kid says. He’s tall, blonde, and Van thinks he looks a lot like a pompous asshole but all the better reason to beat him. “Friendly game then?” 

Van nods and hops up into the second player’s place. “Sure,” he replies. He hasn’t played DDR in a few months so he hopes he doesn’t look like a complete ass trying to play and impress Isa. “Haven’t played in a while, might be rusty.” 

Joshua shrugs. “No worries. My friends are here somewhere. They were all playing with me but gave up.” 

Vanitas tries to ignore Joshua’s smug tone while the game starts up and they pick an easier song to warm up. Van glances back at Isa and winks. God, he really hopes he doesn’t bust his ass or lose to this tiny twink. The music starts and Van shrugs away the rest of the world to focus on the game, not the guy next to him; letting the music flow through his body. The first song is easy, just a warmup, and Joshua wins but the second round, Vanitas wins and by round three he’s sweating and panting but this is the final round. 

Whoever wins impresses the boy. 

At least, in the back of Van’s mind, he hopes he’s impressing Isa. 

Worst nightmare would Isa throwing himself at Joshua and making eyes at him just because he could beast DDR. Apparently, Van needs to reclaim his turf at the arcade. 

The last round is a lot harder and Van struggles to keep up but he hits a deep rhythm and tries to ignore Joshua’s score leaving him in the dust. He hasn’t played in so long, he knows why he’s losing, considering he used to be the top name on the leaderboards for years. Someone else finally came along to take the crown. The song comes to an end and Van can barely feel his heart hammering in his chest. When he turns around, breathing hard, Isa is watching him, pupils huge and eyes full of a deep thirst. 

He may be a virgin but he recognizes the lascivious face of a horny man. 

“Good game,’ Joshua says and Van nods as he slowly eases off of the machine. He’s sweating so bad and knows he probably looks disgusting but Isa is all eyes for him. Only him. 

“ _ Wow _ ,” Isa breathes like Van just walked on water. 

“Sorry, I lost,” Van says but Isa is there to wrap his arms around his neck and bend down into his space for a kiss. Oh, so they’re kissing without hesitation now. 

“You’re so sexy,” Isa whispers. “Want to go back to the car? I’m dying right now.” 

“Back to the car?” Van asks. 

“Yeah,” Isa stresses. “To make out.” 

_ Oh _ . 

Oh, fuck. 

Van gulps and realizes he might be losing his virginity tonight in the back of a fancy Lexus. He feels himself nod and they have to walk all the way back down the pier, hand in hand, with Isa, practically trying to dislocate his arm to walk faster. They make it back and Isa wastes no time in helping him climb into the back and showing him how the seats recline backward. Van sits and Isa straddles his lap, their mouths chasing each other in desperation. 

“Isa, wait,” Van pants when Isa shoves his shirt up to reveal his chest and stomach. Just yesterday he’d been masturbating over Isa having sex with him but now he realizes it could really happen. They really may have sex right here in public. 

“What?” Isa asks. “What’s wrong? Am I being too aggressive?”

“I mean, we’re in public,” Van points out slowly. “I mean, I know your car has those great black tinted windows but we’re still in public.” 

Isa licks his lips and Van finally notices his lipstick is definitely, finally, wearing off. “We could go back to my place.” 

Part of him wants to say yes and immediately push Isa onto his bed to fuck. He’s never had sex, however, and he’s not sure he should jump right into bed with Isa. “Um… I…” 

“Let me blow you at least,” Isa whispers. “I wanna suck your dick so bad right now.” 

Holy fuck. 

Van gulps and nods. Isa looks relieved and he slides down to the floor which Van hopes he’s comfortable but maybe Isa doesn’t care. He really is thirsty for dick. Vanitas bites his lower lip while Isa unzips and tugs through his pants to find his dick, pulling the half hard chub free to stroke and watch it grow with big, happy eyes. A moan escapes his throat when Isa doesn’t hesitate and wraps his lipstick stained lips around Van’s heavy cock. He grips the seat tightly in his hands while Isa bobs his head and sucks with such expertise, Van is glad his first blowjob is with someone who knows exactly what to do. 

“Fuck,” Van whispers. Isa’s mouth is velvety and hot. The way he swallows down makes Vans’ thighs shake. “I’m gonna cum, I’m sorry–.”

Isa moans and his long lashes flutter along his cheeks in response. Van drops his head back and lets out a guttural groan when he cums, spilling in Isa’s mouth, and down his throat. The way Isa milks and sucks him like he’s about to die if he doesn’t have every last drop sends Van into oversitm fast. Van yelps and pushes Isa back when he can’t take anymore. Isa’s mouth is full and some runs down his chin which make Vanitas blush hard. It’s nasty and he hopes it doesn’t taste as bad as it looks. 

“Mmm,” Isa hums while licking his chops like a dog. “God, I haven’t sucked a cock in so long.” 

“Wasn’t… so bad, right?” Vanitas asks and feels his heart freeze in worry. 

“You were great,” Isa replies. “So fucking big.” 

Van blushes and Isa tucks him away. “I feel like I should pay you back.” 

“You don’t have to if you’re not ready,” Isa says. 

“I wanna,” Van whispers. “I just don’t know what to do.” 

Isa smirks. “My place?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Hang tight.” Isa climbs back to the front while Van leans back and looks out the car window. How had he gone from feeling like a loser to a king in 24 hours? They fly back to Isa’s place and Van doesn’t even have a full thought until he’s between Isa’s spread legs and Isa’s missing pants and underwear. He’s never seen someone else’s body up close like this and he has no idea what to do with Isa’s parts. 

“Uh…” Van trails off and peers over Isa’s mons with uncertainty. “What do you want me to do?” 

Isa snorts. “You lick it, moron.” 

“Right. Okay.” He doesn’t even remember how they got here; he knows they drove back and Isa was quick to make out some more but he’s pretty sure he blacked out between the living room to the bedroom. Isa’s pussy is pink and bare and Van is unsure if he’s about to do any of this right but he tests the waters with two slow licks. 

He pauses. 

Isa sighs and sits up on his elbows. “What are you doing?” 

“Sorry, I just want to do it right.” 

“Just lick it, man. Eating pussy is not as hard as sucking dick, trust me on this.” 

Van blushes but his nerves are making him anxious. Another two licks and a pause. Isa sighs and drops onto the mattress. 

“Wake me up if you decide you want to make me cum.” 

Isa sounds a step above annoyed and just below frustrated so Van tries to focus on his energy on making Isa cum. He can do this; it’s not a big deal. They’re dating now. Sex is expected. Van focuses on Isa’s body but when he goes to offer another lick, he’s suddenly back in a confessional box and the smell of incense is sliding up his nose. He yanks back and turns away, trying to shove those bad thoughts away. Isa is definitely not Xehanort. 

“If you didn’t want to do this, why did you say you did?” Isa asks and Van can really hear his annoyance now. 

_ Just turn around and take it like a man _ , his thoughts spit at him, just like Xehanort would have told him. Van fights back the tears and turns right back around to bury his face between Isa’s thighs. He shoves through the bad thoughts to lick and suck over his pussy desperately. Isa moans and settles into the sheets, while Van presses Isa’s thighs on either side of his head. He pushes Isa’s thighs until Isa is squeezing against his ears and he can forget everything. 

He can push the bad times away and focus on now. Just because he’s not ready and doesn’t want to do this, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t. Isa did him in the car and now he  _ owes _ Isa this favor. He licks Isa all over because he has no idea which part to focus on, still holding Isa’s thighs tightly to his head. Isa’s moans are muffled but he can hear them. 

Would Isa fake it? 

Would Isa fake it just to make it stop so they can quit seeing each other? 

“Fuck, suck my clit,” Isa pants. His long nails appear in Van’s line of vision and he guides Van’s eyes to the clit. Van wraps his lips around it to suck and Isa moans his thanks. 

Pussy tastes good, at least. Vanitas runs his tongue over Isa’s clit, teasing his tongue ring over it until Isa moans so loud he can hear him clearly over the thighs clenching his face. When Isa starts to whimper and his thighs spread wide again, Van has a feeling he’s almost there. His hips lift and Van has to lift with him so he can keep sucking and licking. He cups Isa’s ass to cradle him in the lifted position, making it easier on his hips, while his tongue travels to his entrance and his nose rubs his clit. 

He even smells good. 

“Shit,” Isa gasps. “Don’t stop. Don’t stop.” 

Vanitas traces his tongue over Isa’s entrance, studying how his vagina opens up and pushes some wet onto his tongue in his arousal. He moans, too, back to sucking Isa’s clit. He even nibbles it, thumb rubbing Isa’s wet lips and folds, pressing inside with a slow push. Isa’s hips drop and he has to drop too, fingers now inside, exploring, stretching him open. The inside is wet and hot, squeezing his fingers in response, and feeling so alive with a frantic pulse. 

“Oh my God, Vanitas,” Isa whimpers. “I’m gonna cum.” 

Van nods, wishing his jaw would stop hurting. He tries to lick and tease Isa’s clit faster, fingers exploring with uncertainty. He pushes deeper, curling his fingers in his explorations. Isa yelps and sits up when he does, eyes alive and pulsing. Van looks up, keep his fingers curled and rubbing the same spot. Isa’s mouth hangs open and he drools down his chin while his thighs tremble.  

“Right there,  _ right there, right there, fuck!”  _ Isa growls shrill and he reaches up to tug at his own chest, rubbing his nipples until they’re hard and rosy. 

Vanitas keep his fingers in the same position even if they’re cramping while he keeps Isa’s clit right on his tongue ring. He can feel Isa’s pussy so wet on his hands, it’s staining the bed, and then he’s shocked when Isa splashes him. His pussy clenches his fingers hard and then his face is wet. Isa slams his hands on the bed over and over while he rocks back and forth, looking like he’s having a fit and not an orgasm. 

“Oh my God,” he gasps. “Vanitas!” 

Van blinks and then Isa splashes his chin again until he drips on his shirt and stares at the small puddle Isa has made on the sheets. He finally pulls his fingers free and Isa clenches, still shaking through his pleasure. He sinks back onto his elbows, thighs parted useless and breathing hard. Van wipes his face on his shirt and licks his lips which are raw from overuse. 

“I can’t believe, you just, made me fucking squirt,’ Isa pants. “I’ve only done it once…  _ once _ … with a toy. I had to use a special fucking toy but here you are, just, first try.  _ Fuck _ .” 

“Is that good?” Vanitas asks. 

Isa nods. “Yeah, baby, so good.” 

_ Baby _ . He blushes at the name and ducks his head. “Okay.” 

“Fuck, I feel like I need a cigarette and I don’t even smoke,” Isa laughs. “Anymore.” 

Van rests his head on Isa’s soft thigh and kisses him just as light. “Sorry, I was being weird.” 

“It’s okay,” Isa replies. “I was probably being pushy. I’m a fuckin’ hoe.” 

“So, uh, now what?” 

“Uh, well, I can either take you home or you can stay over.” Isa shrugs. “I vote to stay over because I’m not sure I can walk right now.” 

Van laughs but he agrees. Why go home when he can stay with Isa? His  _ boyfriend _ . “Okay,” he whispers. “I’ll stay.” 

“ _ Great _ .” Isa hums and lays still. “Gonna sleep like this.” 

Van nods. “Good night, Isa.” 

“Mm, night.” 

Isa drifts off quickly but insomnia eats at Van until he has to do something so he goes downstairs to sit in Isa’s living room. He sits on the couch and then the other chairs but he’s restless and eventually ends up outside by the pool. It’s lit with soft blue lights and he strips out of his clothes before jumping in. The water isn’t as cold as he expected and it’s also not harsh chlorine. The water smells of salt and his back stings but not nearly as bad as he would have in a regular pool. 

He floats on his back, staring up at the night sky in silence while his mind drifts back to church. When Xehanort finished with him, he’d make him wash with holy water to scrub the sins away. Isa is not Xehanort but he can’t help but feel trapped between a wall and empty consent. How many times had he begged Xehanort to leave him alone and he knelt on the floor with uncertainty. 

Tears roll down his cheeks and mingle with the salt water of the pool. Isa didn’t force him, he reminds himself firmly. If he’d said no, Isa would have listened. He’d wanted to help Isa get off. Just because he’d been unsure, doesn’t mean he hadn’t wanted to do it. More tears and Van feels stupid because if he hadn’t wanted it, he would have said no. He  _ should _ have said no if he’d been so upset. Isa would have listened. 

No, this was on him. 

He could have said no, he’s in complete control of his faculties, and Isa is not in a position to control him. 

At least, he’s pretty sure Isa is his equal. 

Van feels his head bump against the rocky outcropping of the pool and he flips himself to tread water instead of float. His eyes fall on the jagged pieces of the rock and he pictures how easily it would be to jam his arm down on the edge and yank. How much would the salt water sting the wound? How much damage would blood do to Isa’s pool? 

He looks up over his shoulder up to Isa’s windows but the curtains are undisturbed. He snaps his eyes back to the rock and feels Xehanort’s hands on the back of his neck. His hot breath and the way he would make Vanitas’ hand wrap around his fucking dick. Frustration and anger fill his chest until he slams his arms down and screams. Pain makes the scream worse but he drags himself out of the pool after and sees the blood sprouting down his wrist and fingers. He wraps his good hand around the wound and rushes into the house to find Isa’s first floor bathroom. 

All of the noise he’s made has probably woken Isa so he waits to be caught while he washes the wound in the sink. The cut isn’t as bad as it looks but he’s still free bleeding so he wraps a washcloth around the cut and puts pressure on it while he lets the pain send him away. Away from the church. Away from the house. Away from his life. 

He slips away to a place Xehanort cannot reach. 

He slides back to Sora’s house and inside his old room. Right now, if he couldn’t sleep, he would sit up on the internet and watch videos. Sometimes porn, sometimes cooking videos, and sometimes anime episodes. In Sora’s house, Xehanort holds no power. He’s safe. 

“Safe,” he whispers. 

Isa doesn’t come downstairs. 


	8. Chapter 8

“Goooood morning, you’re up early,” Isa says as he comes downstairs to find Vanitas on the couch. “Did you even come to bed last night? Or did you sleep down here? You could have slept in my bed with me,  I don’t mind sharing.” 

“Couldn’t sleep. I’m an insomniac, I didn’t want to keep you up.” All of this is true, so he hopes Isa doesn’t make a fuss about his arm. 

“Oh.” Isa nods while he hits the kitchen for breakfast. “Nothing, nothing, nothing.” Van doesn’t comment on how Isa’s kitchen is stocked full of food - it’s not his place to judge. “Do you want to go out for breakfast? Well, brunch now.”

“I can’t pay–.” 

“I can.” Isa turns on his brightly lit smile and the world feels rocky. He’s so beautiful and Vanitas has no idea how to say no to someone with so much prowess. 

“Okay,” he replies, voice soft and unsure. 

“Great, I’ll just go change- uh-.” Isa frowns when he finally notes the awkward bandage job Van managed on his arm. “What happened? Are you okay?” 

“I fell,” Vanitas lies. “I went to look at your pool last night and scraped my arm. I’m fine.” It throbs as if it knows he’s a liar but he ignores the pain. He’s used to ignoring pain. 

“Are you sure?” Isa asks while reaching for his arm but Van steps out of his reach. 

“Yes, I’m fine, really. You should go get ready.” 

There is a frown between Isa’s eyebrows but he eventually, heads upstairs to get ready to go out. Vanitas finally sees all three dogs and decides to open the back door so they can go outside. Fish, Chips, and Jelly all rush to sniff around in the grass for bathroom spots while Van’s eyes linger on the pool. The water glitters in mid-morning sunlight and there is a brief moment where he can see his own body floating in the pool, drowned. 

He shuts his eyes to push the image away. 

Isa doesn’t return for a while but Vanitas doesn’t mind waiting. He’s sure beauty takes time and if they’re going out in public, Isa understandably wants to look presentable. When Isa does come downstairs, Vanitas has to bite his knuckles to keep from whining; he’s put a black wig on and done his full face with makeup so flawless Van feels his heart palpitate. Black lipstick, his signature look, makes Isa’s mouth look more kissable than when he has no makeup on at all. He’s painted his eyebrows on to be thick and naturally arched; he’s surprised how real Isa’s eyebrows can look, considering he shaves them off. The makeup look is complete with Isa’s alluring outfit. 

He’s never seen Isa in a dress before but the extremely short black dress hardly covers his ass which Van is suddenly a huge fan of Isa’s legs. The straps and collar shaped like a pentagram, and Van eagerly eyes Isa’s tattoos on display, while he slathers on sunscreen and grabs a large brimmed black hat to put on his head. 

“Wow,” Van whispers, eyes trailing over Isa’s look. Tall black boots, made for stomping, make Van’s stomach drop. How can one person contain so much beauty he has no idea. 

“I’m almost ready,” Isa says, mistaking his words for impatience. 

“Take your time.” 

“I need to get my bag and sunglasses, somewhere.” Isa trolls around the first floor until he finally returns with a black handbag and he slaps round sunglasses over his face. “Okay, we can go.” 

When they step out into the sun, Vanitas is painfully aware he’s wearing the same clothes he did yesterday and he will never be as beautiful and fabulous as Isa. He has no idea how Isa could ever step into public with him when he looks like a complete disaster at all times. 

“You’re stunning,” Van tells him when they ease into Isa’s car. 

“Thanks,” Isa says and smiles. The smile to sail 1000 ships. 

“I don’t know how you can go out with me, you’re too fabulous,” Van admits. “I’m–.” 

“Only finish that sentence if you were going to compliment yourself,” Isa forewarns him. “Oh, is it alright if we brunch with Axel and Roxas? I want you to get to know them before out Bat’s Day trip. They’re cool guys.” 

Right. Isa’s fabulous friends and, Roxas, his extremely successful rival; honestly, Van isn’t even sure if he can call them rivals considering Roxas  _ is _ successful and he’s just garbage. Isa springing this on him feels awkward because he can’t say no, even if he would rather just brunch with Isa in private. 

“Vanitas?” 

“Yeah, of course,” he says and forces a smile on. 

“Great. I know you and Roxas have beef but I swear, he’s super cool and not as scary as he may seem.” 

Vanitas nods and decides to take Isa’s word for it. Roxas never really responded to anything Van ever put out in the world. The only thing he ever  _ did _ respond to was a video of him calling Roxas a faggot; Roxas eagerly responded by making a video politely explaining that, yes, he is a faggot and he loves his boyfriend but he also found a way to make Van feels small by telling his millions of followers that he’s a stain on the gaming industry. He hasn’t watched the video in a while but makes a mental note to go home and watch it so he can remind himself of how shitty he is as a person. 

Isa is talking but he hasn’t heard a single word of what he’s said so he feels guilty just smiling and nodding along as if he has been listening. They reach the restaurant they’re brunching at and Isa leads him through to where Axel and Roxas are outside on the patio under an umbrella with menus in hand. Axel is as beautiful as Isa and dressed just as immaculate. Roxas is in jeans and a t-shirt but somehow, still looks put together. 

Once again, Vanitas is extremely aware of how he can never fit in here. 

“Hey guys, sorry we’re late,” Isa says while sliding into a chair. 

“Eh, you’re not late,” Roxas replies. “I barely dragged Axel here.” 

“ _ Hey _ ,” Axel says. “I  _ need _ my beauty rest, Roxas.” 

“Yes, all sixteen hours,” Roxas replies to which Axel flips him off but Roxas smiles. This must be normal for them. 

“You guys have met Vanitas,” Isa says while Van takes his own seat across from Isa. 

“Unfortunately,” Roxas says and the words are so deadpan and serious, Van feels his stomach clench. He’s quick to hide behind a menu and feels his face and eyes burn. 

The table is quiet but Van keeps his blurry vision on the menu. He can’t read the words but he can pretend. Nausea makes the world unsteady and he wants to leave the table. They don’t like him and they have no reason to. 

“I’m  _ kidding _ ,” Roxas says. “Christ, you guys take shit so seriously. I mean, Van and I have a…  _ past _ but we can get beyond it. Right, Vanitas?” 

He wants to speak because he knows they will expect him to answer but the words come out like a punch of air, barely words at all. “Yeah.” 

“See?” Roxas says. “Axel, baby, they have poached eggs.”

Isa looks conflicted and he glances at Axel first before speaking. “Roxas, it’s not funny to joke like that.” 

“It’s fine,” Vanitas lies. He doesn’t want Isa’s friends to hate him even more. Isa opens his mouth to speak but he quickly cuts him off. “Really, Isa, it’s okay. Just a joke.” 

“Exactly,” Roxas says but Van can tell Isa is unhappy. 

“FIne,” Isa replies. “When are you two coming over again?” 

Axel shrugs. “If you want we can come over today.” 

“I want to go over what we’re doing for Bat’s Day, outfits, and the logistics,” Isa explains and then cuts his gaze over to him. “Is that okay, Vanitas?”

“Is what okay?” 

“Is it okay if they come over after this?” 

Van shrugs. “It’s our house, Isa.” 

Isa’s face shifts but Van can’t read his emotions and hides behind the menu again. They order food, Van trying to stick with ala carte items, while Roxas and Axel go for the whole spread. Watching Isa stuff his face is relieving – he likes that Isa eats, even if he works for his body, he still  _ eats _ . He picks at his food and after brunch, Isa walks him back to the car. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Isa asks. 

“I’m fine, Isa.”

“Nitas…” 

“Really, I’m fine. Rox and I have a bad history, that’s just how it is.” He pulls open the door to slide into the car while Isa moves his way around to his side. 

“Okay…” Isa looks unconvinced, just like before, but he drops the subject and they head back to Isa’s house with two more in tow. 

As soon as Axel is in Isa’s house, Van is shocked to watch him strip down out of his clothes, to his underwear, and go lounge by the pool with Roxas following like a little shadow. The dogs all eagerly follow and Isa snorts while he goes to the kitchen to bring them drinks. Van lingers in the doorway of the patio, watching as Axel stretches out on a lounge chair by the pool and Roxas slips out of his clothes to jump completely nude. A blush covers his face and Van wonders if this is normal for them. Hanging naked together. 

COnsidering Isa’s not seen his back yet – he hopes not. 

“Coming, Nitas?” Isa calls while he sits by Axel on his own lounge seat and slips his shoes off. 

Isa is so gorgeous in the sun, Van can feel his heart ache. He slowly crosses over and sits down on Isa’s other side, accepting a glass of lemonade. “Isa,” he whispers. 

“Yeah?” 

“You look nice.” 

Isa’s smile lights up the entire mood. “Thank you. Baby boy, I am burning up though. It’s so fuckin’ hot out here, my goddamn vagina is sweating.” 

“Strip,” Axel replies, down to only panties, his chest on display but Van supposes he’s used to posing in the nude. 

Isa snorts. “In front of the flowers?” Isa asks and gestures to his roses. 

“Don’t act like a prude, Isa, we all know you’re a thot,” Axel shoots back. 

Isa pinches Axel’s thigh as a response but Van feels his heart rate quicken when Isa stands up and slides the straps of his dress off and it pools to his ankles. No bra, black thong. Van leans forward to cover the sudden boner rushing between his thighs. 

“Happy?” Isa asks. 

“ _ So _ happy,” Axel replies. “You okay over there, Vanitas? You look like you’re about to pass out.” 

He’s seen Isa’s chest before but never in person and seeing him now is making every red blood cell in his body rush to his dick. “Fine,” he mutters. 

Isa seems to realize what he’s done then, a blush coloring down to his chest, and he slowly sits back down, looking unsure. “Is this okay? We’re pretty immodest here at home,” he says as if that weren’t obvious. 

Van shrugs. He’s helpless – this is Isa’s home, Isa’s rules, he’s at Isa’s mercy. “As long as you’re comfortable.” 

“Oh, honey, we  _ all _ are,” Axel replies and he snatches Isa’s sunglasses right off of his face and puts them on his own. 

“Hey!” 

“You have a hat, I’m staring directly up at the sun, asshole, I don’t want to go blind,” Axel says. “What did you want to discuss about Bat’s Day?”

“Outfits,” Isa says firmly. “I refuse to look like the Bobbsey twins.” 

Axel chuckles as if this is some type of inside joke between friends. “Yeah because  _ that _ would be a disaster.” 

“Axel, I’m being serious. What are you wearing?” 

“Something  _ slutty _ .” 

“Are you doing slight fetish this year?” Isa asks. “I know you try not to go hardcore about it since there are kids there.” 

“Yeah, Rox got me a new collar that’s way subtler and I’ll probably do these destructed leggings I have because they’re breathable and my dead Mickey Mouse tank.” 

Isa nods, taking notes on his phone. Van is surprised by how seriously he takes this event. “Okay, I’ll be doing a video vlog, probably some live streams on Snapchat, and the obvious Twitter updates. When are we announcing this is our final year?” 

“I say the day of so we get less flack.” 

Another nod. “Makes sense. Sometimes you’re smart.” 

“I have my moments.” 

“What’s Rox wearing?” 

Axel snorts. “Whatever the fuck he wants, you know he doesn’t do outfit approval with you.” 

“Right.” Isa then turns to him. “Nitas?” 

Watching Isa’s chest bounce makes his stomach tie into notes. “What?”

“What are you going to wear to Bat’s Day?” 

“I don’t… have a lot of options,” Vanitas replies. He’s embarrassed to admit Isa has seen most of his wardrobe already. All of his outfits are variations on the same theme. 

“That’s okay, I’ll take you shopping,” Isa replies and waves his hand in dismissal. 

“Isa–.” 

“I want you to look and feel good, okay?” Isa smiles and leans over to kiss his cheek. “You’re my boyfriend now, and I spoil the men I care about in my life.” 

The thought of Isa spoiling him is almost terrifying; he can’t  _ get used _ to Isa spending his money on him, buying him nice clothes and gadgets. No. He can’t  _ ever _ let himself grow comfortable in this area because everything could go away tomorrow. Isa could wake up and realize he doesn’t want to date a pizza-faced, greaseball like him and move on with his life. He nods, to appease Isa, but makes a silent pact with himself to never rely on Isa for anything – not his living situation, nothing over extravagant like cars or allowances. 

Too risky. 

Isa could easily stop caring about him faster than Vanitas can count to three, so he refuses to become reliant on his overly rich and overly quaffed boyfriend. 

“Okay, that’s set,” Isa says and gasps when Axel steals his phone. “Excuse you, cunt.” 

“No more social media for you, you’re going to get crow’s feet from stress, and I refuse to let my best friend get crow’s feet from stressing over fucking  _ Bat’s Day _ . Let’s talk about shit you should actually be stressing about.” 

“Like what?” 

“Like the launch of your first eyeshadow palette. You  _ are _ still considering that, right?”

Van looks over Isa curiously; he knows Isa is a makeup guru and artist with tons of followers and becoming a modern-day influencer, but he had no idea Isa is also a businessman. They dive into a conversation Van can only half follow; he has no idea how the beauty industry works or what most makeup even does, he doesn’t know brand names or designers, so he quietly tunes out and watches Roxas float around on his back instead. 

He has to wonder how Roxas ever met Axel and how they ended up together. He met Isa by being a dick but Roxas isn’t a jerk; he’s a really nice guy. He almost finds it ironic, Roxas really started as Sora’s friend. Sora knows everyone because he’s friendly. Thoughts of Sora make him think on Riku and he starts to wonder how Riku is doing. They’re still on hold as far as he knows and Van makes a mental note to check up on him. Maybe Riku would rather be found dead than caught ever giving a fuck about him but Riku’s shitty attitude doesn’t mean he can’t show some concern for Riku’s mental health. Being apart from Sora, after being attached at the metaphorical hip, can’t be easy on him. 

He’s not even sure Sora knows where Riku currently is staying. 

“Nitas?” 

Van blinks and comes back to Isa. “Yeah?” 

“You okay?” 

“Sorry, I was just lost in thought.” 

Isa snorts. “Sounds like Axel.” 

Axel flips him off which makes Isa laugh and Van smiles, too. He likes seeing Isa so happy – so  _ normal _ . Isa referring to  _ him _ as his b-word is another thing leaving him shaken. He’s Isa’s boyfriend.  _ Boyfriend _ . He never thought he would hear or say that out loud. The thought makes him smile and he decides to be a boyfriend and slide his hand over to Isa’s back when he leans forward, rubbing his skin, and up to his neck. 

“ _ Oh _ !” Isa gasps and turns to smile at him. “Getting handsy, Nitas?”

“You said I was your boyfriend.” 

“Well, you are,” Isa replies and Van blushes when Isa shifts so he’s straddling his lap on  _ his _ seat, nipples right in Van’s face. “You know, you can kiss them. I can tell you want to. They don’t care. They fuck in public all the time.” 

Another hot blush floods his face but he knows Isa now knows he’s hard. He wants to keep his mouth and hands to himself because he’s a private person – he doesn’t want to blast his sexual encounters all over social media or even in conversation with friends. Plus, he’s not sure he can trust Axel and Roxas. Especially not Roxas. 

“Gonna blue ball me again?” Isa teases. 

On the other hand, Van has no idea how to say no to someone who could ruin him with a single whisper. 

Swallowing his fear, Van leans forward to kiss the undersides of Isa’s breasts, the skin soft and warm to the couch. Isa sighs, head tilting back, and he pushes his chest out while his spine arches. Van's fingers twitch and he rests his hands on Isa’s hips and kisses them again, tongue dipping between his teeth to worry over one nipple and then the other. Both buds flushing pink and hardening under his touch. 

“Fuck,” Isa whispers. “I’m so horny right now.” 

“You’re always horny,” Axel replies but he stands up and takes off his own underwear, giving Vanitas quite the show, on his way over to the pool to jump in with Roxas to make out.  _ They have sex in public all of the time.  _

He has to wonder if this is about to become some weird orgy fest. 

“Suck my titties, Nitas,” Isa begs. “Please.” 

Vanitas latches onto Isa’s nipple again to suck and kiss, eyes focused on Axel and Roxas over Isa’s shoulder. Roxas has Axel bent over the side of the pool in no time and he turns red hot when Roxas clearly starts to fuck Axel from behind. Isa wasn’t joking. Listening to Isa moan and the distant sound of splashing sends Vanitas into overdrive. His cock aches and he has a feeling as soon as Isa manages to spring him free, he’ll cum and make an embarrassing mess. 

He definitely doesn’t have the stamina Isa seems to require. 

“Isa, wait,” Van gasps. 

“What?” Isa asks while his hands start to push up Van’s shirt. “Fuck, I wanna see you naked  _ so _ bad.” 

“I don’t know if I want to do this with them over there,” Van admits. 

Isa looks back over his shoulder at Axel and Roxas fucking and shrugs. “They won’t mind, clearly.” He leans down for more kisses and Van finally has to put his hands firmly on Isa’s shoulder to push him back. “Nitas–.” 

“I said no,” Van says. He’s not used to people obeying him when he says  _ no _ . No has never meant  _ no _ for him but he has to believe Isa has more than an iota of respect for him. 

“Oh,” Isa says, voice and face disappointed. “Okay. Sure. Do you want to go inside and fool around? We can take it to the living room, bathroom, bedroom. You can choose.” 

He thinks on the night before and how he’d felt obligated to give Isa oral sex as repayment but he tries to push that habit back down. “I’m not sure I’m ready for sex.” 

“You’re not?” Isa asks and Van can tell he’s confused and shocked. “You ate me out last night, how can you not be ready for more of the same?” 

“I’m just not that ready, Isa.” Van looks away and wonders if Isa will be like everyone else. Bossy and won’t take no for an answer. He hopes not but he wouldn’t be shocked. What guy, in their right mind, would say  _ no  _ to Isa?

Isa looks disappointed and he even pouts a little but he slides off of his lap and goes to sit in his own lounger, arms crossed like a child. “I’m wet and blue-balled by my own boyfriend. Fuckin’ sucks.” 

He looks away and wishes he could be confident and full of experience but he isn’t and there’s no changing that fact. “Sorry,” he replies, voice harsher than he means. He racks his brain for a compromise because Isa is taking him to  _ Disneyland _ , surely, he owes him  _ something _ . 

“It’s okay, Vanitas,” Isa replies. “I won’t ever force you into bed with me.” He snorts which Isa immediately picks up on. “What was that noise for?” 

“Nothing,” he lies. “Sorry… I know you wouldn’t do that. I know. You’re a good person.” 

“Okay…” Isa looks uncertain so Van shifts to kiss his cheek. “Sorry, I’m not trying to be a brat about this.” 

“You’re a horny baby,” Van teases. “I’m gonna go inside, watching other people have sex doesn’t get me off the way I bet it gets you off.” 

Isa turns red and shrugs. “I’ll let you know when they’re done.” 

“Appreciated.” 

Van stands up so he can rush inside and enter the first-floor bathroom. Once he’s inside, he finally pulls out his dick to wrap his hand around with a long moan. He’s too shy to have sex with Isa right now but he’s definitely going to have quite a few images for his spank bank from now on. His name wraps around Isa’s as he finishes into some toilet paper. 

He wonders if Isa is doing the exact same thing. 

He wonders if Isa says his name, too.

* * *

 

“Thanks for the ride.” 

Isa nods and eyes the hotel over his sunglasses with an uncertain leer. “Are you sure you want to go in there? I can wait here for you.” 

“You said you had errands,” Van points out. “Also, I’m gonna  _ try _ to get Riku to come outside. We can ride around in his car. I’ll be fine, babe.”

Isa pouts but nods. “Okay. I’m at least waiting until you get into his room.” 

“Fair.” Van leans over to kiss Isa once and slips out of the car to head up to Riku’s hotel room. The door faces the parking lot which is not the most glamorous but he supposes it’s better than him sleeping  _ in _ his car. He clutches the bag of products and snacks Isa made him take from the house; shampoo, conditioners, moisturizers, cookies, chips, some cheese, and lunch meat, and a loaf of bread. 

Riku is, in general, a healthy eater but Van wouldn’t be shocked if he wasn’t exactly taking care of himself. He knocks on the door, glad the desk lady had been willing to give up the number with some of Isa’s money waved in her face and waits for Riku to open up. He has to knock four times before the door finally opens and he’s saddened to see Riku on the other side, completely downtrodden. 

He’s also glad he packed a razor and shaving cream. 

“Vanitas?” Riku asks, squinting as the sun comes in through the door into the darkened room. “What are you doing here?” 

“Figured I should check on you,” Van replies. “Can I come in?” 

They both stand there, quiet, while Riku drinks his visage in and Vanitas does the same. Riku’s dressed in dirty pajamas and his face is covered in a surprising amount of stubble, hair tied back and clearly in need of washing. The room also smells a lot like a foot but he doesn’t say anything about it while he waits for the all clear. After long pauses, Riku finally steps aside and lets him in, disappearing back into the room. Van waves to Isa from the door and takes a breath before stepping into Riku’s depression filled space. 

He knows this kind of mess intimately. 

“How’s Sora?” Riku asks once Vanitas is in the room, the door closed. He walks over to flop onto the bed, flipping through the channels. 

“Sad,” Vanitas replies. “He misses you.” 

Riku snorts. “Doesn’t call, doesn’t text me, I doubt he misses me. I’m just waiting to find a place for myself, got a couple of options.” 

“Riku, he didn’t  _ dump _ you. He just  _ wants _ you to understand him. To stop treating him like a patient! He’s not sick, he doesn’t need cured,” Van points out while he holds out the bag. “Here, take a shower, you stink.” 

Riku glances at the bag and then turns to sniff himself and wince. “Fuck.” 

“Can’t go winning back Sora’s heart looking like you do. Go shower, shave, I’ll clean up out here. We can… go for a drive. Yeah?” Van turns to start picking up the trash around the room to put into the trash can. Clearly, he hasn’t let housecleaning come and fix up the room since he’s checked in. 

“Fine.” Riku heads to the bathroom which gives Vanitas plenty of time to tidy up, open the curtains to let some light into the room, and dig through Riku’s bag to find clean clothes. He sets a clean outfit on the bathroom sink and goes to wait on a chair. The bed desperately needs cleaning. 

Riku takes his time, scrubbing, shaving, and becoming generally the person he’d been before the separation, until finally leaving the bathroom in the clean clothes, hair washed and tied into a ponytail, bangs already drying across his forehead, face shaved, and looking a lot healthier just by not wearing dirty clothes. 

“Feel better?” Van asks. 

He shrugs. “I guess.” 

“Come on, let’s go get some lunch and we can talk.” 

“Talk?  _ We _ don’t usually talk.”

Van stands up. “We are today. Come on.” 

Riku sighs and tosses over his keys. “You drive, I’m too tired.” 

“I haven’t been behind the wheel in years,” he points out, voice edging on nervous, but Riku shrugs. 

“Now’s as good a time as any to relearn.” 

Apparently, depression makes Riku extremely blase. He swallows down a wave of nerves and follows Riku out to his truck. Sitting behind the wheel of a larger vehicle doesn’t make him feel better but he takes his time and drives slowly out of the parking lot and onto the street. Luckily, the speed limit is only 35 mph. 

“Where do you want to eat?” Vanitas asks, hoping Riku will point out where to turn if they pass something promising. 

Riku shrugs. “I’ve had everything around here. I have no idea.” 

Van sighs as he realizes they’ll have to hit the highway to find anything decent which is horrifying. “We’ll have to go into the city for anything decent, I guess.” 

“Whatever.”

Van has no choice but to be quiet while he focuses on merging with faster traffic and remaining in the slower lane while he regains confidence driving. Riku stares out the window, head back, looking listless and exhausted. He’s so quiet, Van fears he’s fallen asleep but after they’ve been on the freeway for a while, he finally speaks up. 

“Why are you doing this?” 

“Doing what?” Van asks even though they both know what he’s doing. 

“Helping me? Bothering with this? You’ve never liked me,” Riku points out. “You’ve always disliked me, why the fuck would you bother helping me?” 

“I’ve never disliked you,” he points out. “ _ You’ve _ hated me. You’ve always hated me. Thought I was a mooch, using Sora for his money, always getting in the way.” He shakes his head and tries to keep the anger out of his voice. This isn’t about him – this is about Sora. “The only thing about you I dislike is the way you treat Sora’s autism but I think you do it because you like to be in control. You’re a perfectionist and you like to have control over the situation… but Sora doesn’t  _ need _ controlled. He needs you to understand he’s an adult with autism and that doesn’t make him a 60 Minute story.” 

“I don’t  _ try _ to do this to him,” Riku says. His voice wavers on desperation, borderline begging Van to understand. “I fucked up, I  _ know _ I fucked up. I don’t think Sora needs a  _ cure _ , I just want him to be happy and comfortable. I want life to be good to him. Easy for him. I don’t want him to have to face ridiculous obstacles–.” 

“He’s not a baby, Riku. He’s an adult. Life is difficult and Sora knows that better than anyone. Maybe he doesn’t struggle financially anymore but he still has a lot of things to fight through… but fighting to be seen as a person by his boyfriend, shouldn’t be one of them.” 

Riku flinches and covers his face with his hands. “Fuck!” 

Van’s eyes glance an exit and he decides to take it; he knows where they can have lunch. “You love Sora, right?” 

“ _ Yes _ . More than anything, I love Sora.” 

“Then, you need to tell him that and  _ show _ him you won’t keep treating him like he’s a disease to be cured, Riku. Stop treating him as  _ other _ and treat him as a person. Because that’s all Sora is, a person.” Van shrugs and follows familiar streets once they exit the freeway. 

“I know,” Riku whispers and Van is surprised to hear tears in his voice. He removes his hands and when they stop at a light, Van looks over to see there are tears on his face, slipping down. “God, I know. I miss him so much. I love him. I just want another chance to fix what I messed up.”

Vanitas nods. “It’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes, to need to cry and show emotions. Sora will appreciate that from you. He loves  _ you _ , Riku Nomura, not the bullshit front you put on.” 

They pull down an extremely familiar street while Riku cleans his face off and finally realizes where they are. “Vanitas–.” 

Van pulls up in front of Sora’s house and parks it on the curb because he’s not sure he can back the truck out of the driveway. “Found the perfect spot for lunch.” 

“No, I can’t–. He hasn’t called, he hasn’t texted–.” 

“You ever think maybe Sora was waiting for you to do something?” Vanitas points out. “Go on. Go ring the doorbell. Tell him how you feel.” 

Riku stammers but finally slides out of the truck to shyly approach the front door. He has a war with himself in front of the door before finally turning to ring the doorbell. Van remains in the truck, watching as the door opens and Sora is shocked to see Riku standing there. The way he can see Riku starts to talk because he’s moving his hands a lot and the look on Sora’s face. His eyes are full of love. He smiles when Sora throws his arms around him and they kiss. They go inside shortly after and Van sighs, shutting the truck off, and sliding down so he can leave the keys on the porch. 

The front windows are open when he hits the porch to leave the keys on the banister. He can hear Sora going a million miles an hour and he’s glad to hear his brother so happy. He must have missed Riku terribly. Van knows he should call Isa, ask to be picked up, but he starts walking instead. He’s unsurprised he was so easily forgotten but he’d hoped, just for a moment, they would come back out, invite him to eat with them. 

_ You don’t belong here _ , the little voice in his head whispers while he walks away, head down, hands in his pockets.  _ You never belonged here in their family. Your grandmother knew it, they all know it. Just step in front of a car. Just do it now. Jump off the overpass. You aren’t even worth a proper funeral.  _

The wound on his arm aches and Van keeps walking, trying to outrun the voices in his head but he can’t. They chase him until he finds himself standing in the dollar store. The employees look at him funny but he blushes, ducks his head, and rushes to the back to find cheap headphones. They’re old, once used by walkmans, but he buys them and eagerly stuffs them over his head and turns on music from his ancient phone. 

He lets the lyrics wash over him for a moment, let them carry the voices away, and he can finally start walking again. The sun beats down and he can feel his skin burning but he didn’t think to buy sunscreen at the dollar store. His parents' house is clear across town and is a long walk, he has to go over the overpass, but at least he has music. At least, until either the shitty headphones give out or his phone battery dies. Cars and people pass him by, pay him no mind at all, until his phone tings in his ears and he realizes someone send him a text message. 

_ Isa: You wanna know what’s inside?  _

Isa sent him a photo of a Victoria’s Secret bag along with the message. His face turns red and it’s not just the sunburn talking. 

_ Vanitas: Something sexy probably  _

_ Isa: Wow, you’re SO smart, a good puppy  _

_ Vanitas: You gonna wear it later? _

_ Isa: Depends on where you’ll be _

_ Vanitas: My parents’ probably _

_ Isa: Lame _

_ Isa; Come stay with me again _

_ Vanitas: Thought I told you I wasn’t ready for sex  _

_ Isa: This isn’t sex _

_ Vanitas: :P You’re implying you want to have sex _

_ Isa: Well duh but lbr I’m gonna be so HOT in this outfit, I may just hit on myself tonight _

_ Vanitas: Have fun as your own date, Isa _

_ Isa: Ouch, ice ice baby _

_ Isa: Making me sad bby boy  _

_ Baby boy.  _ The nickname makes him turn red again and he finally stuffs his phone away so he can pay attention to where he’s walking instead. He has no idea why Isa calls him baby boy but he has a feeling it relates to sex, too. His phone tings in his ears for a second time. 

_ Riku: Um where the fuck did you go? You left my truck keys outside, why?  _

_ Vanitas: I was giving you privacy _

_ Riku: Well, where are you? I have to go check out of the hotel and come back.  _

_ Vanitas: Don’t worry about me. I’m just in the way _

_ Riku: Vanitas _

_ Vanitas: I’m always in the way, that’s just how it is. _

One more time, he puts his phone away and rips the headphones off so he doesn’t have to hear the notifications. Music gone, the voices come back, and he walks faster, approaching the overpass. 

_ Just jump. Leap off. No one will miss you. No. One.  _

Tears fill his eyes. He walks faster while cars whoosh by. He can see all of the cars on the freeway below. How easy it would be to fling himself over. Considering their speed, he wouldn’t feel a thing. 

_ End it. You set Sora up. Isa will find someone else, someone who WANTS to have sex with him, and you have no pets or friends to worry about. Your work is done now. So, just die.  _

Van pauses, fingers trailing over the overpass concrete barrier, eyes focused on the cars whizzing by. His hands and arms shake as he considers mounting the concrete and standing on top. Just standing. Trying to reach his arms up to God and ask for some form of miracle. Mercy. Anything at all to keep him from doing this. He has to do this. 

The squealing of brakes startles him out of his vision and he spins around to see a car stopping right next to him which sends alarm bells going off in his head until the window rolls down. Demyx. “ _ Vanitas _ ?” he calls. “The fuck are you doing? Get in here!” 

Vanitas stares at him, mouth open, trying to make a connection between his imagination of asking God for help and Demyx happening to drive by exactly when he needs help.  _ Well played _ , he thinks. He hops into the backseat in a hurry while people honk behind Demyx but he flips them off. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Demyx demands. “Gonna get hit by a fucking car, man!” 

_ So? _ He thinks. 

“ _ So _ ?!” Demyx demands back, voice in a shriek. Maybe he’d said it out loud. “So? Fucking Christ man– I– Listen, man, I would give a fuck if something happened to you, okay? So would Sora and your new boyfriend or whatever.” 

“Isa,” he whispers. 

“Yeah, him! Your parents… Look, I know what it’s like to feel alone sometimes but you are  _ not _ alone. Don’t fucking forget that. You want something to eat? Drink? We can stop somewhere.” 

Van debates on taking Demyx up on going out, finally  _ talking _ , telling someone about the struggles he feels and faces but as soon as he has the thought he pushes it all back down. Demyx doesn’t need to hear about this not when he has his own problems. “No, I’m fine. I just need to get home.” 

“You sure?”

He nods. “Yeah. I’m sure.” 

“Okay. I’ll take you home.” 

“Thank you.” Van turns his eyes to look out the window at the world passing by. Maybe God just likes toying with him. Maybe he’s being forced to stay alive as punishment for being a shithead. 

Maybe he just isn’t allowed to feel peace. 


	9. Chapter 9

“ _Oh_ , my God, I have never felt more tired than I do at this moment,” Isa groans while he falls flat onto the bed in their hotel suite. “I don’t wanna move.”

Vanitas doesn’t respond because he’s too busy taking in the large hotel suite with round eyes – is this what it’s like to live like a rich person? He has no idea what kind of money Isa makes but clearly more than Van ever realized if he’s putting out for hotel resorts like this. They don’t just have a _room_ – oh no. They have a full sitting area, private patio, a bedroom with a king sized bed, and a bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub and shower. Their window overlooks a beautiful vista and Van is still trying to collect his jaw off of the floor.

Axel and Roxas share a connecting suite and he’s unsurprised when Axel struts into their room to check their view, too. Isa hasn’t moved and Van wouldn’t be surprised if he was currently asleep. He’s been running around the days leading up to the weekend, flying back and forth between LA and Miami for photoshoots. He’s also been having meetings in LA in regards to this new eyeshadow palette he wants to launch. Basically, he’s been nonstop busy and _still_ insisted they come to Bat’s Day.

 _“We didn’t have to come_ , _” Vanitas had insisted the night prior on the phone._

_“I said I was taking you and I don’ go back on my promises to friends if I can help it. Okay?”_

_“I just don’t want you to be exhausted all weekend.”_

_“I have the whole day to catch up on sleep the day before. We get in early, I’ll nap, get some Redbull, and be rejuvenated. Also, I booked us a spa appointment at one of the resort’s spas and_ trust me _, you will thank me so thoroughly.”_

They have their appointment later this afternoon, after lunch, and he knows Isa won’t miss it no matter how tired he feels. Van sets his bag down while the rest of Isa’s luggage is brought in by bellhops. Axel tips them with more cash than Van’s ever seen on one person. Sometimes, he forgets how well off Axel and Isa are due to their career choices. He wonders if Roxas is just as well off or if he also reaps the benefits of Axel’s cash.

Van walks over to the balcony and steps outside to enjoy the fresh air and he admires the beach. Part of him wants to ask how much this hotel room costs them per night but he has a feeling he doesn’t want to know. Maybe Isa has a lot of points saved up so it costs him nothing at all. _Which just means he spent a lot of money to earn those points._

“Hey, Axel,” he says, stepping back into the suite.

“Yeah?” Axel asks.

“How much does this all cost?”

Axel snorts. “You really wanna know? Per night, this room costs roughly 1,500 dollars.”

Van blinks a few times. “ _Per night_?”

“Yep. So, we’re staying here for roughly six grand? Uh, that doesn’t include resort fees, room service, and the spa. Isa pays extra for spa perks. Baby boy loves getting his massages and room service. He’s spoiled.” Axel winks and Van feels as if he needs to sit down.

6,000 dollars.

He hardly makes 9 dollars an hour. To make six grand, post taxes would take him a while. A long while. He can’t imagine what a hotel room has that costs Isa _6,000_ dollars. He never should have asked. He sinks slowly onto a couch in the suite, eyes on where Isa is sleeping soundly by now since he hasn’t stirred from where he flopped down.

“You okay?” Axel asks on his way back to his own room.

“Yeah,” Van whispers. “Just… wow.”

“Look, I know it’s a culture shock, okay? It’s wild, it’s weird. Isa built his life and his business. He’s expanding his business by developing a makeup company. Trust me, this is _nothing_ compared to the money he’s probably about to start making. If you’re going to be his boyfriend, you’re going to have to adjust to a new lifestyle… I know it’s a lot, trust me. I mean, Isa’s not a billionaire – yet – but he could be.”

Van rubs his eyes as he tries to adjust to this information. “Crazy.”

“Also, not to be nosy but I was just wondering if… I mean, I’ve noticed, you seem really uncomfortable in regards to sexual stuff and I just want to apologize if we ever made you uncomfortable. Like, honestly, I’m sorry.” Axel glances in at Isa. “if you want, I can talk to him. Tell him to tone it down. He’s kind of really loud about that and I know he can be intimidating to talk to. He has _no_ idea how intimidating he comes across as.”

Van blushes as he thinks on this last month and all of the things he’s witnessed and partaken in. He’s already told Isa no but Isa enjoys pushing the boundaries. “I’m just not ready,” he whispers.

“I’ll talk to him. Don’t worry.” Axel pats his shoulder.

“Sorry-.”

“Don’t be. Everyone has a right to their own body and Isa just… needs to learn to respect your boundaries. That’s all. I’m sorry he’s not doing a good job right now.” Axel squeezes his shoulder and then disappears back into his room, shutting their shared door so they can have privacy.

Van slumps down in the couch and pulls out his phone to scroll through Sora’s Instagram. The last time he checked, Riku and Sora were on vacation, trying to reconnect after their separation. He smiles at their photos and shoots Sora a text.

_Vanitas: Looks like you’re having fun with Riku I’m so happy for you_

_Sora: Van!! Hi!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you_

_Sora: For helping Riku and for helping me and I’m sorry L_ _if  you thought you couldn’t come in with us that night :( I realize I never said anything and that was rude : (_

_Vanitas: I’m not mad_

_Sora: I love you_

_Vanitas: I love you too_

_Sora: are you at Disney??? Right??_

_Vanitas: Yep, I’m at Disney with Isa, Axel, and Roxas_

_Sora: AHHHH where are you staying at?_

_Vanitas: idk some fancy schmancy resort and spa at Disneyland_

_Sora: Ohhhh that’s exciting, we’re coming home today, we’re at the airport_

_Vanitas: Lame_

_Sora; I knowwwww I don’t want to leave :(_

_Vanitas: lol you have to come home silly_

_Sora: I know :(_

_Vanitas: It’s weird being with Isa he’s so $$$$_

_Sora: Blessings in disguise ;)_

Vanitas glances up at where Isa is sleeping; he shifted in his sleep but Van is tempted to go wake him so he can change into something more comfortable but decides to let him sleep. He’s been so busy and exhausted lately. Launching a makeup company has taken a lot of his time away. He’s hardly seen Isa this last month. The last time he really saw Isa was when he dropped him off in front of Riku’s crappy motel room.

Their relationship turned into texts which Van didn’t mind but he is glad to have Isa at his side again. Isa’s attempted so many different times to send him naughty photos and texts. Part of him hates being _that_ guy; the guy who has no experience and feels awkward talking about anything remotely adult. He wishes he could be the boyfriend Isa craves.

Deserves.

_Vanitas: Maybe lol_

_Sora: I gotta board I’ll see you soon!_

_Vanitas: text me when ur home_

_Sora: I will! <3 _

He stuffs his phone away once the conversation with Sora ends and slowly stands up to shut the French doors to the bedroom so he can watch television and Isa won’t be bothered. He keeps the volume low and stretches out on the couch. The cushions are so soft and comfortable, his eyes grow heavy, too. He may not be as tired as Isa but soon the sound of waves outside and television rock him to sleep.

 

* * *

 

“I wonder how many people will recognize you looking like this,” Axel says while they walk down to the spa together in soft white robes.

“God, I hope _no one_ ,” Isa grumbles in response. Vanitas had declined to come to the spa so Axel had taken his place for now. “I have to convince Nitas to come to the spa at least once before the weekend is up. I bet he’d like to go post being in Disneyland after walking around all day.”

“Maybe,” Axel replies. “Speaking of your boyfriend, we gotta talk.”

Isa groans. “I swear to God, if you tell me that you don’t think he’s good enough for me, I will cut you.”

“No, that’s not it. I think you’re potentially not good for him,” Axel replies and the words are so blunt, Isa almost runs into the spa door.

He turns to face Axel and stare at him for a moment. “Excuse me?”

“I think you’re not good for him but you could be if you would just fix your behavior. I know you’re a thot, Isa, but he’s uncomfortable with that stuff and you need to learn how to respect him.”

Hearing the words out loud is like a sucker punch to the gut and he doesn’t respond immediately. He opens the door to the spa and is unsurprised when they’re immediately greeted and given drinks and taken straight away to their first appointment. Isa doesn’t speak while his face is being scrubbed and cleansed, not when he’s set in a relaxing room with Axel, and they’re both given facial masks and hair wraps.

He stares up at the ceiling and feels a sense of dread settle over him versus relaxation. He’s never really considered the concept of him making Van unbearably uncomfortable. He knows Van has declined to be intimate in the past but he’s never said _no_ to text messages or photos or innuendos. He’s never stopped him or asked Isa to tone it down.

“Why hasn’t Vanitas said anything to me?” he finally asks, drawing them both out of the tranquil music and ambiance.

“Because you scare him,” Axel replies, head tilted back, eyes shut.

“ _Scare_ him?!”

“You’re intimidating, Isa. You make tons of money, you have a lot of influence online, you could ruin him – technically, you already did. Not on purpose and he wasn’t a good guy back then but point is, you have a lot of power over him and that is terrifying. Why would he say no to you? Why would he ever deny you anything you ask?”

Isa stammers and tries to collect his thoughts but they’re all tumbling around him like a crumbling castle. “I would never force him to do anything! I would never use any of my connections over him!”

“I know you wouldn’t but how can he really know that for sure? It’s not like you’ve been dating for years,Is’.”

“Oh my God,” Isa whispers. “I’m a bad boyfriend.”

“You’re not a _bad_ boyfriend. You’re a thot and you haven’t been slutty in a while. Now you have a man who likes you and you like him back. You’re human, Isa, you make mistakes. Point is, I think you need to stop pushing yourself on him so often. Let him come to you,” Axel suggests. “I know that may be a while before he’s ready but that’s what vibes are for. Name it Vanitas and go to town.”

Axel’s suggestion makes sense but also makes him blush red hot and the heat of the room doesn’t help. “I didn’t mean to act like that.”

“I know. I know you didn’t. You’re not a bad guy but you do need to talk to him. Apologize and mend your ways, my little thot prince.”

“You’re right. You know what sucks?”

“Hm?”

Isa looks over at him and feels extremely foolish. “I got him a late birthday gift but now I’m scared to give it to him.”

“What’d you get him?”

Isa pauses and lets the silence hang in the air. He’s scared to say because it may seem outlandish and lavish. He doesn’t want to overwhelm Van than he’s already overwhelmed him. “You know I… like to spoil my friends.”

“Yes, I know… Isa, what did you get him? Did you get him a house?”

Isa snorts. “No but… close.”

“You rented him an apartment-.”

“No.”

“You-.”

“I bought him a car,” Isa says in a rush of air. “I got him a car…….. Customized it all nice for him.”

Axel snorts and laughs. “I mean, I know you, I know you’re a giver,” Axel replies. “But _wow_. You never bought me a car, just sayin’.”

“ _You_ can afford your own car,” Isa points out. “Van doesn’t have a car, he’s always needing rides, and I figured this would help him feel more independent. He’s always telling me he feels like a burden. I wanted to help!”

“That is very thoughtful of you, Isa.”

“He’s gonna think I’m nuts,” Isa mumbles, feeling suddenly stupid. “I just… I just wanted him to have something nice.”

“Maybe you should hold onto the car. Start smaller? Get him a new game system or a gift card to GameStop or a new computer monitor. Don’t… Don’t give him the car yet, Is’. Not saying you can never give it to him but you should really consider when and how you bestow a whole vehicle.”

Isa huffs. “I also got him a gift card to GameStop.”

Axel snorts. “How much?”

“Not telling.”

“Five hundred.”

Isa shrugs and wishes he didn’t feel so ashamed. “You’re making me feel stupid.”

“No, you’re in love, and I know how you are when you really like someone,” Axel replies. “But a _car_ , Isa? A nice car I assume. Something he could never afford to pay taxes on?”

“It’s bought and paid for-.”

“What if something goes wrong, hm? Do you think he can afford the upkeep on a car?” Axel shoots back. “Or is that something he has to rely on you for, too?”

“It’s not like I bought him a Maserati!”

“What kind of car did you get him?”

“A Camaro,” Isa mumbles.

“You got him a customized Camaro? Brand new, 2020?” Axel asks and Isa slumps in his seat. “Isa.”

“I wanted him to feel special!”

“You really think this boy who works as a barista can afford the upkeep on a Chevy Camaro?” Axel replies. “Look, I know where your heart is and it’s in the right spot but you gotta use your brain sometimes. He’s not rich, he’s not used to lavish crazy gifts. Don’t give him the car right now.”

He doesn’t mean to pout but he can feel his bottom lip sticking out while he realizes he’s been a complete idiot. He’s moving too fast, he’s coming on too strongly, and he’s scaring his wonderful boyfriend which is _not_ what he ever set out or intended to do. “What if I said the car was for me but he could borrow it-.”

“No.”

He sighs heavily. “I’m stupid, Axel,” he whispers. “I always do this. I always come on too strongly and I chase them away. I don’t _want_ to chase Vanitas away.”

“You’re a good guy, Isa, and you love with your whole self but you just started dating. Buying him a car is like… a long term dating gift, you know? Not an immediate gift because he’s gonna feel obligated to sleep with you,” Axel explains which makes everything so much worse.

He really is stupid and he’s been insensitive and selfish. “Do you think I can fix it?”

“I think if you’re honest and open about your feelings and why you’ve been this way, then yes. And if you listen to him and what _he_ wants,” Axel says firmly. “You’ll be fine, Isa. And do not give him a gift card with that much money on it. Isa, he knows you’re rich, he doesn’t need a reminder right now. He’s already pretty overwhelmed by the hotel.”

“He is?” Isa asks.

“Yeah- I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have told him how much it’s costing you but he asked so I told him. It’s a culture shock when you don’t grow up with _this_ kind of money. I mean, his parents are well off, right?” Axel asks.

“Yes,” Isa replies. “But he was never spoiled by his parents or family. He wasn’t liked so I can get why he would feel so... shocked.”

“His parents are rude af,” Axel replies. “His brother inherited a pretty penny, right?”

“Yeah, I don’t know how much but my guess is millions,” Isa replies. “He’s used to money, I don’t understand-.”

“It was never his money, Isa,” Axel replies quietly. “It was always money he had no access to or benefit from. He’s not used to _all_ of this.” He gestures to the spa and Isa in general. “Not being put on him or him benefiting from anything money wise. He works as a barista and earns minimum wage and lives with his parents. You need to put yourself back in those shoes. Back in the time before you became famous on Instagram and Twitter. You weren’t always not checking price tags.”

“Humble.”

“Yes, be humble. Remember that not everyone lives this life. We’re lucky. Van could probably adjust to this life but dunking him and holding him underwater the entire time is not how to do it.”

Isa nods, taking everything in big gulps. Axel is right. He has to fix what he’s accidentally broken. He also needs to buy Vanitas a new belated birthday gift but he’ll have to check out Disneyland for a gift since his other two gifts are too much. _He’s_ too much and always has been.

“Isa?” Axel asks, voice softening and losing some of the earlier edge. “He likes you… Just… _be_ you. You don’t need to move so quickly with him. I don’t think he wants to go anywhere.”

He’s too tired to answer and when their facial treatment is done, Axel goes off to a mud bath but Isa walks out of the spa and heads upstairs. Everything weighs on him so heavily he can hardly breathe by the time he reaches the elevator. He slams the button to shut the door and heads up to their top floor. His stomach twists into knots and by the time he’s back in their suite he has to go the bathroom to throw up.

“Isa?” Van calls through the door, knocking a few times. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he lies. “Just a minute.” He knows he doesn’t sound alright and he sits down on the floor to run his fingers over the towel on his head. His hands shake and he has to fight an urge to start tugging.

“You need a ginger ale or something?” Van asks.

“No, I’m okay,” Isa replies. “Just gimme a second.”

“Okay.”

He’s burning up and finally, he pulls the towel off of his head, tears slowly rolling down his face. His hands slowly run over his scalp and up to the crown of his head where he tugs what little hair he has left.

“Isa, I’m coming in,” Van says and Isa realizes in alarm he hadn’t locked the door.

“No!” Van can’t seem like _this_ – no one can see him like this. “Van, wait-.”

The door opens but he can’t wrap the towel around his head fast enough and Van is caught in the doorway, staring at him, his eyes widening in complete shock. Isa forces his body upright and he tries to reach the door to shut it but Van has his hand on the doorknob.

“Isa,” Van whispers. “Where is your hair?”

More tears roll down his cheeks as he realizes his darkest and biggest secret has been revealed. It’s his own fault – he should have worn the wig to the spa but he figured they would be alone most of the day, not bothered, and he could give his scalp a rest. He’s hardly taken the wig off since he started dating Vanitas.

Trichotillomania.

He’s had it ever since he was a child. Pulling his hair, pulling his eyebrows, leg hair, arm hair. He shaves his eyebrows, legs, and arms now just to keep himself from pulling. He’s plucked his own hair until he’s bald except for a few tufts left on the crown of his head. He’s even plucked his eyelashes away and now has to wear false ones every day and work hard to make them look real.

He’s never told anyone – except Axel and his agent.

He’s never spoken about it on Twitter or Instagram. He’s never addressed it in a YouTube tutorial. He hardly even looks at himself in the mirror without wearing wigs. His followers know he wears wigs – he’s not shy about buying and wearing wigs, he’s done wig reviews but what they do not know is that the wig he wears day to day is not his real hair.

And now, Vanitas knows.

“Get out, please,” he whispers, voice shaking. “Please, Vanitas, get out. Go.”

Vanitas looks reluctant to leave. “Isa, I’m worried about you-.”

“ _Please_ ! Just get out, get out, get out! I told you not to come in here and you _did_! Just go! Do whatever you want, I just can’t look at you right now!” Isa yells and he can hear his voice crescendoing higher and higher until he’s shrieking.

Van finally backs up and he’s able to shut the bathroom door. He sags against the wood and sobs, scratching, and pulling at what little hair he has left until he’s almost pulled it all free. He doesn’t know how long he sits on floor but he doesn’t move until the secondary bathroom door opens from the bedroom and Axel walks in. He begs Axel to leave, too, begs until his voice is hoarse but Axel doesn’t leave; he wraps his arms around him and holds him to his chest.

“It’s okay, Isa,” Axel whispers. “You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.”

He’s too tired to cry. He’s too tired to feel anything other than empty. “I wasn’t ready for him to know,” he whispers, voice as hollow as he feels inside.

“I know,” Axel replies, still rubbing his back. “But now he does and you have a lot to talk about.”

“Not now. I can’t.”

“Isa, you invited him out here. He can’t just hop into an Uber and drive home. You have to pull on your big boy panties and face him. Maybe not right now but definitely before you go to bed because kicking Vanitas to the couch isn’t exactly polite,” Axel points out. “Plus, we have dinner reservations downstairs.”

Yes – he has to pull it together long enough to have dinner and see Vanitas face to face again.

“I don’t know if I can look at him right now,” he admits. “What if he thinks I’m ugly?”

“I seriously doubt he thinks you’re ugly.” Axel squeezes him. “And if he does, then maybe it wasn’t such a match made in Heaven after all… but I really doubt that. He’s pretty upset and worried about you.”

“Where is he?”

“He went downstairs with Roxas so he wasn’t in your way. They’re probably at the bar or pool or something. C’mon, Is, you can get it together. I know you can.” Axel helps him sit up. “I’ll do your makeup, okay? I’ll do your makeup and get your hair all perfect, pick out your outfit, and you’ll look amazing.”

“It’s a lie,” he whispers. “I’m just a big fraud.”

“You are _not_ a fraud. You are amazing and beautiful and such a good guy. He likes you and he’s worried about you. If he didn’t want to be with you, he woulda taken off,” Axel replies, cupping his face. “C’mon, get in the shower, wash off, and I’ll do your makeup once you cleanse and moisturize, okay?”

Isa snorts. “When you do my makeup, you cut my cheeks wrong with contour.”

“Hey, I make your cheeks sharp as glass, baby.” Axel smiles and Isa finds himself smiling back. “That’s my Is’. Take a shower, wash off this bad afternoon. You and Vanitas have a lot to discuss today. Rox and I will stay out of your hair, okay?”

Isa gestures to his bald head. “No hair to stay out of.”

Axel chuckles. “Shower.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I’ll pick out your outfit and you will look so good and so hot, you will not be able to walk around downstairs without turning heads. Boost that confidence right back up, okay?” Axel kisses his forehead and then lightly on his lips. “I love you, Isa.”

“I love you, too, Ax.” He kisses Axel back and finally shrugs out of the robe and turns the shower on. Just need to wash this all away. Wash away his insecurities, wash away his pain and troubles. Axel will make him beautiful and he’ll feel good again.

Everything will be fine.

* * *

 

_I told you not to come in here and you did!_

Vanitas replays Isa’s last words over and over while he sits in the hotel lobby, staring at the wooden floor. Roxas invited him to play pool or go sit at the bar but he found a seat in the lobby and hasn’t moved since. Roxas disappeared a while ago and he hasn’t bothered trying to find him.

Seeing Isa without hair had been shocking, to say the least. Isa cares so deeply for his appearance, Vanitas isn’t surprised he covers his baldness with a wig but what makes Vanitas the saddest is Isa felt the need to hide it from him. Of anyone who could potentially understand the psychological damage picking and pulling have, he would definitely be a good candidate. In fact, he’s been picking his face ever since he sat down and is sure he looks awful by now but he can’t stop. Isa yelling at him, shoving him away, and locking him out has sent his anxiety into overdrive.

People mill about him, coming and going, do not bother to pay him any attention. He may as well be as interesting as the nearest wall ornament. Unsurprising – people here seem to be as glamorous as Isa lives his life. He’s barely a step above crap on the sidewalk.

“Vanitas?”

Isa’s voice brings him back and he turns around to see Isa, in full glam makeup, and beautifully straight blonde hair. He’s never seen Isa as a blonde but the look makes his heart rate quicken. He looks beautiful and radiant. A huge contrast to how he’d looked in the bathroom.

“Oh, God, your face,” Isa gasps and reaches around to dig in his purse to find some facial tissues which he offers over. “You’re bleeding.”

“Sorry,” he mumbles and uses the Kleenex to wipe up the mess he’s made. “Sorry.”

“No, _I’m_ sorry,” Isa says and he kneels down beside the chair. “I’m _so_ sorry, Vanitas. I was mean and rude and… I wish I had a proper excuse but I don’t. I overreacted. I was just… I was so shocked you saw me like that because I wasn’t ready to share that part of me with you.”

“Isa-.”

“I don’t want you to know how ugly I really am,” he whispers.

“You are _not_ ugly,” Van snarls, voice heated and firm. “You are so fucking beautiful. Gorgeous. So amazing and wonderful. I can’t believe I get to date a guy as pretty as you.”

Isa’s smile leaves him warm. “I know I don’t look my best without hair.”

“I don’t care,” Van replies. “I still think you’re stunning. With or without, it doesn’t matter to me. I just… why did you hide it from me? If anyone can understand, I’m pretty sure I’m your best bet.” He gestures to his face.

“I want to talk about it. Can we talk about it over dinner? I’m so hungry,” Isa says. “We had reservations for the restaurant here but I ordered an Uber and it’s out front. There’s this restaurant I like to go to here but Axel hates it. I was hoping we could go.”

“I’ll go anywhere with you,” Van replies softly.

Isa smiles and leans over to kiss his forehead. “Okay. Let’s go.”

They walk out of the hotel and out to the uber waiting. Isa gives the address to their driver and Van finally has a chance to take in Isa’s outfit. Another dress, formfitting and long sleeved, it hits him perfectly at the thigh. The high collar of the dress has a skull Cameo pendant and his blonde hair hangs loosely around his face and down to his elbows. He notes Isa is also wearing black heels and he definitely doesn’t feel glamorous enough to date Isa anywhere in public.

“You just like making me feel tiny?” Van teases Isa while he looks at Isa’s heeled ankle boots.

Isa laughs and leans on him, hand on his chest. “If you can’t handle me at this stage, baby, you can’t handle me ever.”

Van snorts and rolls his eyes. “I can handle you being a giraffe. A very pretty giraffe.” He rubs Isa’s thigh and they’re mostly quiet through the ride to the restaurant. Van figures they’ll end up at some fancy place which will most likely kick him out so he’s completely stunned when they pull up to Outback Steakhouse.

“Outback?” Van asks, eyebrows flying up.

Isa laughs. “I like their onion blooms,” Isa admits. “Is this okay?”

“Sure.” Van slides out of the car and goes to grab Isa’s door.

Isa gives his driver a cash tip and then they head inside to wait near the hostess station. They’re busy but Van doesn’t mind waiting. Isa looks relieved when they’re not immediately recognized and they manage to find seats and hold onto their little buzzer to wait on their table.

“She said about twenty minutes but God I hope it’s faster. I am _so_ hungry,” Isa moans, fingers on his stomach.

“Are you okay?” Van asks and he really does want Isa to feel safe and secure.

“I’m feeling better, yes,” Isa admits. “I’m sorry I yelled like I did, really, Vanitas. I’m so sorry. I just… I hide this part of me.” He gestures to his hair. “I hide this part of me from just about everyone. My followers, my friends – the only people who know are Axel and my agent. Even Roxas doesn’t know.”

“Wow,” Van whispers.

“But you’re right… I should have told you. We’re dating and I trust you. I care about you and, yes, you _would_ understand better than anyone. I love Axel but he can’t truly understand the anxiety and pressure I feel about this part of me. The anxiety somehow makes it worse- it’s… it’s awful.” Isa slides his hand over Van’s and links their fingers together. “I should have told you.”

“I should have listened,” Van argues. “I shouldn’t have gone into the bathroom but I was so worried about you.”

“I know you were… and part of me is glad you came in. I’m glad it’s out. Now when we’re together, I can take this off and feel a little easier. More comfortable.”

Van nods. “You know, I like you as a blonde.”

Isa smiles wide and looks pleased. “Yeah? I wasn’t sure about the blonde. I haven’t done blonde in ages.”

“Goth Barbie,” Van says and Isa laughs. His laugh is worth every fight.

“When we get a table, there’s something else I want to talk about… another reason I was so upset earlier this afternoon. It wasn’t just walking in and seeing me like that. Axel and I had a talk at the spa and, while true, I was pretty upset about what was said,” Isa explains which makes Van cock his head to one side.

Anxiety grips him. Isa wouldn’t take him to dinner if he were going to break up with him. Wouldn’t apologize if whatever Axel said had to do with _him_ and something he did. They have light chit-chat while they wait, Isa telling him about Bat’s Day and what to expect, and having other light conversations. Nothing heavy. Just chatting.

When the buzzer goes off, Isa is so excited, he jumps up and eagerly follows their waitress to a booth in the back of the restaurant in front of the windows. They sit across from each other and Isa is all smiles while he looks over the menu. Vanitas is quiet while Isa orders iced tea, unsweet, and an onion bloom to share.

“For your drink?” she asks Van and Van swears he visibly sees her flinch when she looks at him as if his very physical appearance is offensive.

“I’ll just have water.”

“Okay, I’ll be back to take your orders.” She flounces off and Van turns his eyes back on the menu.

“Order what you want, okay?” Isa says. “My treat.”

He almost snorts because of course, it’s Isa’s treat. He doesn’t have _money_ to treat Isa which sucks. He has a little money to spend at Disney while they’re there and he’s hoping he can afford _something_ for Isa. Even if it’s just a stupid keychain. He wants to buy Isa something for once. Something he likes.

“I think I’m going to have the New York strip because those are so good,” Isa hums. “What are you going to have, babe?”

 _Babe_. Van blushes red. “I’m not sure. I don’t know steaks, well.”

“Oh, well, filet mignons are good but they’re really small. I don’t find them that filling,” Isa says. “But they also have good burgers here if you’d rather have a burger. I love their food.”

“I’m surprised you took me here,” Van says.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, this place feels so unfancy,” Van explains slowly, probably poorly. “I figured you’d take me to some fancy restaurant.”

Isa snorts. “Where we’d both be uncomfortable and the food is too small. Trust me, this is better and it’s not _so_ honky-tonk that I’m gonna be worried about my safety and your safety. I mean, maybe that’s stupid and maybe I’m paranoid but I’ve dealt with a lot of homophobes and transphobes in my life and they tend to exist heavily in that demographic. I know, that sounds mean, right?”

“It’s okay to be concerned for your own safety,” Vanitas replies. “Have you ever considered having a bodyguard?”

Isa snorts. “Not sure I’m _that_ famous.”

He shrugs. “Just a suggestion. So, what else did you want to talk about?”

“Oh, right.” Isa smiles at their waitress when she shows up with the onion bloom and their drinks. “Thank you, thank you. Oh my God, I’m gonna smash this so hard.”

Van snorts and lets Isa start first, eagerly digging into the pieces. He takes a few to put on his plate but he’s too nervous to eat right now.

“Okay,” Isa says once he’s had a few bites. “So, um, Axel was talking to me about how I am probably, definitely making you uncomfortable… um… with certain things in our relationship. Mainly intimacy. I’m moving too fast, pushing you, being too much.”

“Oh.” Right, Axel _had_ said he would talk to Isa about this issue. “I mean-.”

“And, Vanitas, I want you to be fully honest and real with me, okay? I really do want you to tell me if I’m upsetting you or hurting you or, God forbid, forcing you. I _never_ want to force you into doing anything with me, ever. Okay?”

He nods because he does know Isa means well; Isa doesn’t mean to force himself on him and it is nice to be wanted. “It’s… partly my fault and partly your fault,” he admits because taking the whole blame seems incorrect. He _has_ told Isa on several occasions he’s not ready. “I have…” He pauses to take a breath.

“You okay?”

“Since you told me something very raw about you, I have something I want to tell you but I’m not sure it’s dinner conversation. I don’t want to ruin your appetite.”

Isa’s face shifts and he’s immediately and completely focused. He pushes his plate aside and folds his hands on the table. “Nitas, I’m listening.”

“When I was a kid… up until pretty recently, actually, I was being sexually assaulted by my parent’s priest,” Van mutters, eyes dropping to stare at the pieces of onion bloom he left on the plate. His stomach twists and he knows he won’t be able to eat anything tonight. He just hopes this doesn’t ruin Isa’s famished appetite, too. “He touched me and raped me for a long time. It didn’t stop until I was older. Too old, I guess… I _know_ you would never hurt me, Isa. I know that but… I’ve _never_ been in a situation where ‘no’ has been a real option for me.”

Isa’s eyes widen and his pallor loses all color. “Oh my God… Vanitas…”

“I know you wouldn’t do that to me, Isa but… Look, if I’m honest with you, and… _real_ with you… you have kind of… sort of-.”

“I forced you,” Isa whispers and the horror in his voice leaves Van sad and cold. “Oh my God, Vanitas-.”

“You didn’t _force_ me but I did feel like I _had_ to do something with you or for you,” he admits and leaves his gaze downward. He’s too ashamed to look up at and see Isa’s hurt face. “It’s not that I don’t want to do anything with you because I _do_. I’m just scared, I’m nervous, you know? I can’t get Xehanort out of my head sometimes.”

“I understand,” Isa says. “I’m sorry, Vanitas. I am so, _so_ sorry. I feel awful.”

“Don’t feel awful, Isa, please.” Van reaches across the table to take his hand, studying Isa’s nails and fingers. “I’m not mad at you, at all. I’m glad you’re… _aware_.”

“Axel said you’re afraid of me,” he says, voice still sad and broken. “That I could ruin you- that I _have_ , and that’s why you don’t say no to me. Is that true?”

More shame fills his entire core and he releases Isa’s fingers while he looks down again. “You have a lot of power, a lot of money… I don’t want to get into a situation where I rely on you and then… and then you get tired of me, we break up – whatever… Point is, we break up and now I have nothing because I was relying on you financially.”

Isa nods, taking everything in. “I understand that,” he replies. “I know it doesn’t seem like I would understand but I do. I know I’m moving way too fast and I’m so sorry I have my foot on the gas but I’m going to lighten up a lot. We just started dating… I just want you to know that I’ve never felt this connection with someone before you. I’ve dated a lot of guys, I’ve _slept_ with a lot of guys but none of them have been like you.”

The words leave Van blushing and he ducks his head from being shy instead of shame. “I like you a lot, Isa. You make me happy.”

“I want you to feel special, Vanitas, because you _are_ . You’re not like anyone else I’ve ever met and I know our start was rocky but look at us now. People change. _You_ changed. You’re an amazing guy and I just want you to know how much I care about you. I like to spoil my friends when I like them and you’re my _boyfriend_ , so I would love to spoil you, too.”

“Spoil me, huh?” He smirks. “Buy me things?”

“Yes,” Isa replies and he’s extremely serious.

“Oh.” He hadn’t been expecting Isa to be so serious about that. “Uh, I don’t know what to say to that.”

“I owe you a better birthday gift,” Isa replies. “Maybe I can find you something at Disneyland.”

“Better?” Van asks while he laughs. “Isa, you got me tickets to Disney. Both parks. You don’t owe me a better birthday gift.”

“Fine, then as your boyfriend, I want to buy you things. Spoil you rotten. Is that okay?” Isa asks. “Please be okay because… I _really_ like buying my friends and SO’s things.”

He’s not surprised Isa likes to spoil considering the Disney tickets but he’s not used to _anyone_ buying him anything. Not his parents, not his grandparents, not Sora. He’s never had someone to spoil him rotten. “It’ll be an adjustment for me,” he admits. “I’m not used to it.”

“But you could get used to it,” Isa points out.

“I could.”

“So, I have permission to start to… spoil you?” Isa asks slowly. “Nothing lavish at first, just… little things. Yeah?”

He wonders what Isa’s idea of little is and if this is his way of replacing intimacy in their relationship by buying him material goods instead. He’s always _wanted_ someone to buy him what he wants and now he has it and it’s slightly overwhelming. “As long as it’s… not…   _constant_ , I’m really uncomfortable feeling like I owe you.”

“You don’t owe me. Ever.” Isa keeps his tone serious and firm which Van appreciates. “I swear to you, Vanitas. You don’t owe me sex or gifts or anything ever. Okay? The only thing you… “owe” me is respect, when I respect you. I’m going to work harder at respecting you.”

“Okay.”

Isa smiles and their food arrives shortly after. Van doesn’t even remember what he ordered but he’s feeling less nervous about eating. If he owes anyone anything, he definitely owes Axel a thank you for discussing this with Isa because he’s not sure ever would have found the courage.

Van looks at the burger he ordered and feels better. Happier. He hopes Isa feels the same. “Do you feel better, Isa? I feel like a weight’s been lifted.”

“Me, too,” Isa replies and cuts into his steak with the voracity of a starving man. “Hey, after this, do you want dessert?”

Van nods. “Yeah. I do.”

 

* * *

 

“Hellooooo my moonbeams, it’s Saïx, I am currently sweating my tattoos off while we walk into the park from the hotel. I hope I don’t look as atrocious as I feel because I did not sleep well, I’ll be honest, but I am excited. Um, Axel is here and so is Roxas, and another special guest friend who wants to be anonymous. We are all here, we are all regretting our fashion choices, and we are all sweating profusely and we’ve barely been outside for like… ten minutes,” Isa says while he walks, Roxas holding his phone for him.

 Vanitas smirks while he hangs behind Isa and the others. Isa had taken him shopping the night before to pick out a good Bat’s Day outfit. They managed to find skinny jeans with more holes than material, a black tank top which Isa swore showed off his muscles, and a face scarf with a pattern of a skeleton to cover up half of his face. He has no desire to show his ugly mug on Isa’s live streaming, even if it hot.

“Okay, we are now officially in the park, um, I’m gonna pause here to tell you guys some deets. So, this is our last year at Bat’s Day, Axel and I will not be returning next year or years after. In part because I am becoming extremely busy and also because they’ve changed the event so much this year that I don’t _really_ want to come back, I’ll be honest,” Isa continues.

“Mood!” Axel says and leans over so he can be in the shot, too.

“So, if you’re looking to meet me in person, I will definitely update my location through the day, please check my Twitter. Don’t be shy, we’re actually super friendly. Feel free to stop me for photos or whatever, um, I just ask that if you see me stuffing my face full of food that you let me _please_ at least swallow my food before you want a photo. Okay, um, I love you guys, thank you for following. We are currently standing near the castle if you’re nearby and want to say hello, feel free, we’re just trying to figure out what to do first. Love you, bye.” Isa blows a kiss to his phone and Axel shuts the stream off.

“Bam,” Axel says and hands Isa his phone back. “Done.”

“Thank you,” Isa says.

Van stands near Isa, still, in admiration, he could ever date someone as attractive as him. Isa with his black lace crop top – Vanitas is fairly certain it’s lingerie - and his high waisted shorts, and black tennis shoes because Disney is not the place to wear heels or flats. Even his tennis shoes manage to look expensive. Silver hair up in a high ponytail and cat-eyed sunglasses complete his look. A small backpack in the shape of a coffin replaces his usual handbag.

Vanitas is ready to ask Van where he wants to go first but a group of squealing girls shyly approach to say hello and ask for photos. Isa eagerly poses for selfies and Axel joins in while Roxas hangs back. Van is glad he’s not the only one not wanting to take pictures.

“This will happen a lot today,” Roxas tells him. “Just as a warning. You won’t get much Isa time today.”

Van shrugs. “He looks happy.”

“He loves it, sometimes he says he doesn’t but he does.” Roxas snorts and stretches to pop his spine. “Axel does, too.”

“Does it bug you?” Vanitas asks eyes on how Axel also takes time to take photos. “I mean, always being second to fans?”

Roxas glances at him and from the look on his face, he’s never thought of it that way. “Well, I’ve never really considered myself _second_ in Axel’s life but I’ve known Axel before the fame, before people knew us, and knew who he was or Isa… I’ve known him a long time. But I guess I could see what you mean… Isa’s always going to have to pick his fans, you know? That’s just how he is and if you can’t live with that, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him.”

“I didn’t say I can’t handle it,” Van shoots back. “I was just wondering how you felt.”

“I mean, there are _times_ when I get jealous, I guess? Of their fans… Sometimes, I wish Axel and I could have a normal life but at the same time, I _like_ what I do. Axel loves what he does. We’re happy. We can pay our bills, we can travel. We’re very lucky.”

Van nods and he holds his tongue from saying anything else. Roxas is lucky and so are Isa and Axel. He’s glad they’re successful. He’s glad Roxas’ videogame career has taken off. He can remember when Roxas first started and Van looked up to him. He wanted to be what Roxas had become but he knows he will never be successful and will have to stick with minimum wage the rest of his life.

At least until August.

Isa and Axel finally disentangle from fans and head back over to them. Isa smiles at him, placing his sunglasses back on his face. “Okay, so, Van’s never been here, where do you wanna go, babe?”

“Wherever,” Van replies. “I don’t know anything, so take me to your faves.”

“Okay, well, I’m starving and want Disney foods so let’s grab a map and see what’s closest.”

Axel skips over to grab a park map near the entrance they came in from the hotel which Vanitas is still shocked their hotel has its own entrance to the park. They survey the map and Isa quickly shouts out how he definitely wants to find the Mickey Mouse pretzel cart. “They’re so good,” he explains to Van and Vanitas realizes Isa is leaning on him, arms around his waist, chin on top of his head – comfortable, like a boyfriend.

Eventually, Axel tires of reading the map and they start walking instead because there is food all over and Isa will find a place he wants to eat soon enough. When they stumble on the pretzel cart, Van smiles when Isa squeals and rushes to stand in line. Vanitas reminds himself not to look at prices because he knows Disney’s prices are astronomical in general.

“Nitas, do you want one?” Isa asks and Van nods. “Do you want anything to dip it in? They’re pretty good plain.”

“Plain is fine.”

“Gucci.”

Axel and Roxas are already sharing a pretzel but Vanitas has a feeling Isa is not the kind of man to share his food. Completely understandable – he’s not much for sharing either even if he always has to when Sora is around. Isa hops back over and offers up the hot pretzel shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head.

“Enjoy,” Isa says and starts to pick his apart, his nails glittering in the sunlight.

The heavenly smell of salt and bread filters up his nose and Van’s mouth waters. He didn’t eat much last night or this morning so his stomach is definitely running on empty and growling at the mere smell of hot food. He takes a vicious bite out of Mickey’s right ear and almost moans.

“Good?” Isa asks. He nods. Definitely good. “Awesome. Okay, so, I’m going to let you in on a stupid secret of mine but I am not a fan of violently large rides so I will probably sit out. Axel and Rox like to do those thrill rides but I do not.”

“Then what do you do all day?” Vanitas asks, genuinely curious. Why come to a theme park if you can’t ride the rides?

“Oh, there is _plenty_ to do,” Isa replies. “Lots of shopping, food, I tend to gorge myself at Disney. Um, I like to take photos and just explore. Also, there are rides I can tolerate but I’m super sensitive to larger rides and stuff. You can ride them, _please_ do if that’s your thing.”

Vanitas shrugs. “I haven’t really been to a theme park.”

“Right, your parents are jerks,” Isa says which makes him snort. “Sorry, that was rude.”

“I mean, you’re not wrong.”

“Well, if you see a ride you want to go on, then definitely say something because even though I will probably sit out, Axel and Roxas will for sure ride with you. They both love rides.”

There is some disappointment in knowing Isa will not join him on any of the rides but he pushes the feeling aside because he’s just happy he’s here at all. They start walking again and Van slowly shoves his scarf back over his face once the pretzel is devoured and is shocked when Isa grabs his hand to hold. The feeling of Isa’s cold fingers wrapped around his make his heart race. They’re really doing this.

Dating.

Being boyfriends.

In public.

“You okay?” Isa asks and Van hopes he doesn’t seem too tense.

“Fine.”

“You guys!” Axel gasps. “Chip and Dale!”

He has a second to look where Axel is pointing before Isa is practically yanking his arm out of its socket to race over to meet the giant chipmunks. He’s smiling wide behind the skull face mask even if he knows Isa can’t tell. Isa is so excited and he’s immediately reminded of Sora and how much Sora loves Disney. He’ll have to text his brother soon with a few photos he’s already taken today. He hasn’t been on his phone a lot, too overwhelmed by the experience, but he’s sure Isa will take plenty of photos for them.

He poses with Isa and the Chipmunks and they all take a group photo which Isa is immediately Tweeting. Joy and happiness fill Van’s chest and he wonders if this is how normal people feel every day or maybe Isa just makes him this happy. Either way, he can’t stop smiling. They take combinations of photos and Isa is stopped once to take a photo with a few fans and they start walking again. Back to holding hands. Back to being a couple.

He has no idea what he did to deserve someone as good as Isa.

The reminder he will only be here for three more months crashes down around him when Roxas stops them to buy fast-passes for the rides. Watching as Isa buys him a pass so he can hop on the rides when he wants and the way Isa keeps smiling at him make him suddenly so sad, the feeling is like a crushing weight on his chest. The sorrow leaves him completely breathless and weak and he needs to sit down. Isa, Axel, and Roxas keep walking while he has to stop in the middle of the crowd. His knees almost give out and he has to find a bench to sit on.

He’s going to die in three months.

August 12. Isa’s birthday is right after.

All of this happiness right now will end forever and he has no idea what lies on the other side. Of course, this happiness will probably end as soon as the weekend is over. Isa will have to return to work, he’ll see less and less of him and his thoughts will turn sour and cold. This happiness is a façade and a fraud. He can’t ever be _truly_ happy.

“Vanitas?” comes Isa’s voice as he suddenly reappears, rushing up to where he’s sat down. “Hey, are you okay? Are you hot?” Isa tugs the face scarf off of his face. “I told you this would make you too hot. You look so sick.”

“I’m fine,” he lies. Maybe he is hot and dehydrated.

“How about the boys go on the rides and we find a place with some AC and drinks, yeah?” Isa asks and offers his hand and arm. “You should relax and cool off.”

He hates the idea of splitting up and keeping Isa from his friends but he nods. He really does need some water and a chance to not have a complete mental breakdown at Disney. “Yeah,” he whispers.

“Okay, cool. I’ll go tell Rox and Ax to go on to Thunder Mountain. You wait here, I’ll be right back.” Isa kisses his cheek and disappears back into the throng of black.

Van wonders if people coming to Disney know about Bat’s Day and how they handle seeing such a throng of goth kids all together. He can already envision his mother’s friends gasping in horror to see so many alternatives in one spot. Disney of all places.

Isa comes back a few minutes later and asks if he’s okay to walk. He is tired and weak but maybe the heat is finally effecting him. He lies through his teeth, however, and they walk back toward Adventureland where Isa finds them a restaurant. Being around the cooler water helps and soon a glass of tall water is sitting in front of him.

“Drink,” Isa says and Van is shocked to not even see Isa’s phone on the table. Usually, it’s attached to his hand.

Van sips the water like a good boy and is thankful for menus to look over what’s available. He doesn’t want anything too hard on his stomach because he’s still reeling. Part of him wants to blurt everything out – every feeling, every struggle, his Grand Plan, and how he’s not sure he _wants_ to die anymore but feels he has to follow through.

Putting that weight on Isa, however, doesn’t feel right. They just started dating and Isa is such a kind person who probably has struggles of his own. He’s not sure he wants to put all of his problems on Isa’s shoulders. Dating or not, he doesn’t need to weigh Isa down with issues he doesn’t need to be concerned over.

“Is something wrong?” Isa asks once the silence stretches on between them. He hasn’t even looked at his menu. “Because if you’re upset about something or uncomfortable, please tell me, Nitas. I want to make sure you have a good time.”

“I was having a good time,” he admits. “That’s the problem.”

“What?”

He can’t tell Isa about this – he can’t tell Isa he’s horribly depressed and suicidal. They’ll lock him away, it will ruin their weekend. Isa will cry. He’ll be upset – he blames himself but the weight of everything, of knowing once this weekend ends, he’ll spiral back down and return to a depression pit, makes his eyes tear up. He covers his face and tries not to cry.

“Nitas?” Isa says his voice so softly and gently. He reaches across the table and offers his hand.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, voice breaking and cracking as he does finally cry. “God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be like this. I’m having _fun_.”

“I want to chime in but I’m not sure what’s going on,” Isa admits and Van can tell he feels just as lost as Vanitas does.

“I don’t want to tell you,” he admits and feels his body slacken and sag in defeat. “I can’t put this on you.”

“Put _what_ on me?”

“It’ll ruin our day- our whole weekend-.”

“Vanitas, _please_ ,” Isa says. “Talk to me. I’m listening.”

He pulls out his phone and opens the calendar to show Isa his plan, hands shaking so badly he can hardly hold his phone. “I…” He turns his phone around, sets it on the table, and slides it into Isa’s line of sight. He can’t even form the sentence out loud. _I want to die and I made a plan to do it on this day before I was able to date you and get to know you._

Isa squints at the phone and then he looks up at him with dread all over his face. “Vanitas-.”

“I don’t know what I want anymore,” Van whispers. “I really like you. I’m having _fun_ but I know when the weekend is over, the fun will end, and I’ll go back to feeling so... so… _bad_. I’ll want to die all over again.”

Isa covers his mouth with his hand and Van can see there are tears shimmering in his eye but he doesn’t let them fall. “You have a plan to kill yourself,” Isa whispers.

“Not a plan just a day… I got so much hate after- after all that stuff on Twitter and YouTube. I _still_ get messages to kill myself and my life is so… _awful_ that I figured I owed the world a favor,” he whispers. “But now that I’m with you and you seem so… _real_ and kind and you like me. You really seem to like me, which I don’t know what I did to meet you but I’m not sure I want to die.”

Isa reaches out both of his hands and Van takes them to hold. “Vanitas, do you have a therapist or medication?”

“I was going,” he admits. “And it helped but once Sora kicked me out, he quit paying for therapy and I didn’t have insurance, so I quit going.”

“Have you ever attempted to get government assistance? I can help you apply with my iPad in the hotel room. We can get you insurance and you can get back into therapy.” Isa’s hands hold his tightly and he can feel Isa tremble. He’s afraid.

“Why do you like me so much? Why do you want to keep helping me?”

“Van, I’ve never liked someone as I like you,” Isa starts carefully. “I’ve dated a lot of guys and slept with more but I’ve never met someone like you. You treat me normal. You treat me like a _person_ and not a celebrity or whatever. You make me feel whole and happy and I genuinely enjoy my time with you. I would be…” Isa cuts off and the pain of seeing Isa fight back tears makes his heart ache and bleed. “I would be _devastated_ if anything happened to you. Please, God, let me help you.”

Isa’s tears make a lump fill in his throat and he swallows it back down with difficulty. No one has ever really wanted to help before. No one has reached out and reaching out is hard enough for him. He’s so tired and the ocean of depression is black and vast. He has no idea how to swim the currents.

“I’m scared, Isa,” he whispers. “I’m so ashamed of how I feel and how awful it is. I’m sorry, I don’t want to put this on you.”

“I asked you to tell me and I’m _glad_ you did,” Isa says and he hasn’t let go of his hands. “Please, let me help you, Vanitas. I don’t want you to hurt yourself… Your brother would be so upset if something happened to you. Please know, that you are loved and wanted.”

“I just want to be happy,” he says, voice desperate. “For longer than this weekend.”

“Is being at home hard for you? With your parents?”

“If you’re about to offer a place to live, Isa that’s too much-.”

“It isn’t if you’re in a toxic environment. If it’s easier for you to be away from your parents, I want to help you get out of there. If moving in with me is too fast, we can figure something out,” Isa says and squeezes his fingers. “I just want you to be in a better mental space. I can help you look for apartments or you can stay with me. If you want to pay me rent, you can.”

“I don’t make a lot,” he whispers. “I don’t have a car and your house is kind of far from where I work.”

Isa nods and rubs his thumbs on the back of his hands. “We’ll figure it out. We don’t have to figure it all out right now. I just want to make sure you’re okay _right now_. You’re feeling okay, you don’t feel like you may hurt yourself.”

“No, I’m okay right now- I feel… better? I guess? I’m sorry that I put it on you like this.”

“I’m not.” Isa brings his hands up to kiss his fingers. “You get whatever you want to eat, okay?”

He knows better by now than to argue with Isa so he just nods. “Okay.”

He told someone. He admitted to someone he’s not sure he wants to do die but is scared he will anyway. For a moment, Vanitas pictures himself in a better place a year from now – dating Isa, maybe he has a better job, maybe he’s doing what he wants to do, there are dogs and a car. When their waitress comes over to take their order, Van forces himself to believe life can be better. He hears himself order something he’s never tried before, branching out into a new life, a healthier life.

He has to start somewhere.


End file.
